Subject:  A Short History of Hockey... |
Author:
Drake
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Date Posted: 19:10:34 04/09/03 Wed
In reply to:
Drake
's message, "I only have one thing to say..." on 20:48:05 04/07/03 Mon
When the Creator(s) looked down upon the world and saw what They had wrought, He/She/It/They smiled because it was good. The God(s) decided that the human was too perfect, and so the vices were introduced... only too well. Among the vices was the urge to destroy one another for reasons that often did not make sense. The God(s) thought it clever to make the humans protective over worthless concepts and ideas. It is for this reason that so much of human blood is shed for causes that do not often make sense. The Creator(s) looked upon what He/She/It/They had done and said, "Eh, it'll do."
The humans were not happy after a time, and spent much of the time making war upon one another. The God(s) knew He/She/It/They had introduced too much senseless vice into the creature. Fighting without purpose was not what the Creator(s) had originally intended, even though He/She/It/They did find it humorous at times. He/She/It/They decided humans needed some reason to engage in brutality that had a greater purposes. For ages the God(s) thought about what to do. Since the humans had been graced with bipedal motion, thus leaving two limbs free, it was deemed that something could action could be invented that would challenge the mobility of the humans. He/She/It/They liked the notion... a lot. Yet it was also seen that the activity must be challenging in other ways as well, and the God(s) thought more about it.
A sport was invented after a thousand generations of humans had come and gone. It was called Cricket, and the Creator(s) thought it a very good joke to play on the humans. Unfortunately, it was too complex for the rest of the world, even though the outfits were cute and the batters looked stunning in the little hats. Humans across the planet could not make heads or tails of the Bales, Wickets, Bowlers, Batters, and the arcane rules that governed the game. It was so perplexing that the violence was leeched out of Cricket entirely. He/She/It/They were not pleased with this becuase humans had gone back to slaughtering one another for greater amusement. Moreover, the Creator(s) also saw the there was not enough to challenge the physical prowess of the humans. He/She/It/They thought about the problem again.
The God(s) liked the bats (or sticks) that the humans could used to pummel one another in friendly competition. The ball was deemed especially nice since it could be throw or hit at another player. Thus, those basic elements remained. He/She/It/They deemed a grassy plain on a sunny day was far to pleasant and reduced the chances of random violence, so it was decided that the venue of the game need alteration. The environment had to be hostile in order to tap into the latent (or not-so-latent) hostilities of the humans. Cold was good, the God(s) thought. Plus, ice was hard to stand upon and engage in any activity. This, He/She/It/They knew, would make for surly participants. Thus, the humans were armed with sticks and balls and shoved out on a field of ice. The plan was going beautifully, but the Creator(s) believed humans needed more sporting weapons, and conspired to give them such. Small swords were introduced into the game. However, it resulted in a blood bath that was not so desirable. He/She/It/They pondered the situation. A brilliant idea was stuck upon: make the humans wear the knives on their feet. It was a perverse idea, and He/She/It/They loved it. The humans proved agile and quick on the ice with blades strapped to their feet. The only drawback, and the God(s) did not consider it much of one, was that heads would get lopped off at times and would get confused with the ball. Hence, He/She/It/They introduced nets to hold the severed headd and limbs. The humans, ever resourceful when it came to inane blood letting, took great delight in lofting the heads into the nets. The God(s) were pleased because it added a new element to the game. There was only one problem: What to call this pleasant passtime.
The Creator(s) spent some decades mulling over a proper title for the sport. At one point, an old Scandanavian word for head, "Hocht", was bandied about. However, the heads were a good part of the action, and it what what the humans did with the heads that was intriguing. The severed parts would "fly", or "Sky", into the nets. Hence, the sport of flying heads came to be known as "Hochtsky". He/She/It/They were delighted with the name because it was very descriptive of the game. The God(s) would spend days watching armies of humans gather on the ice, knifes painfully strapped to their feet, and proceed to knock as many heads into the net as they could. Clever strategies were designed for removing the skulls of others and sending them across the ice rink ("Rink" from Old Norse meaning "... a large frozen pond covered with blood and many people milling about, most without heads or arms, while whacking anything that moved with long sticks until one net was completely full of pieces of human..."). Everyone, immortal and mortal alike, were happy with the sport.
In the fullness of time, the God(s) did not always pay close attention to what was happening with the game. It began to change as the humans took greater interest in their passtime. The role of knocking heads off was reduced until it disappeared since it made the game more confusing when the other side would bring sacks of heads to increase their score ("score" meaning "twenty", or more properly "... a bag of twenty heads..." in Old Frisian). Tired of having their feet sliced to ribbons during the game, the humans mounted the knives onto boots. Skates (from Old Canadian meaning "... my feet don't bleed as much...") accelerated the pace of the game. The sticks were loved by all, so those implements remained. The ball eventually was redesigned into a puck (from the Old Detroit word meaning "... I wish it were a head..."). "Hochtsky" was spoken quickly on the ice while playing, and it transformed into the word "Hockey". This is how the game evolved.
The greatest of the teams remembered this fine heavenly heritage of the beloved sport. One team in particular traced the roots back and designed their name and uniforms to reflect the grandest traditions of Hockey, game of the gods. They chose red as the signature color for all the blood that had been spilled in creating the game. Their name as well harkens back to the glory days of "Hochtsky". We know them today as The Red Wings (or "Bloody Arms - which may or may not be attached to the body"). The Creator(s) have showered much affection on this team, and have created a rabid base of people who live and breathe by the teams actions ("Fan" from "Fanatic", Old Michiganian for "... grab me a beer, sit down, shut up, watch the game, and act like a maniac no matter what happens - which precludes sitting down and shutting up!")
There you have it. This is truth, so help me He/She/It/They.
Drake
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