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Date Posted: 22:30:26 12/15/00 Fri
Author: Mr. Phule
Subject: My Christmas List

Just so you know, my name is Christopher James, and my common name among my family is "CJ" If you don't understand how CJ comes from Chirstopher James, I WILL ban you from this forum.

(Yes, there was someone who couldn't figure it out.)

So, you want to buy CJ a Christmas present.

Well, I have no problems with that whatsoever. In fact, I highly encourage that idea, and would hope that you proceed with all the enthusiasm you can muster.

But what to get for him? Yea...he's a rather tricky fella to shop for, I know. But don't worry, that's where you get me. I'm CJ's Inner Demons. You can trust me. He does. Sometimes, anyway. Not always, and it's really quite irritating when he doesn't. How's a group of Inner Demons supposed to help take over the world when the person their possessing doesn't even give them control all the time? We were the laughing stock at the last "Inner Demons of America Happiness Organization (IDAHO)" convention, held in Boise. We'll never live that one down, I tell ya.

But what does any of this have to do with buying CJ a Christmas present? Good question. You see. If CJ gets things he likes, he's more easily controlled. You stick in a movie that he likes to watch, and he's more easily distracted than a 2-year old on a triple shot of espresso. So, if he's distracted, we can take over his body, and then move on to taking over your body, and, with the help of other Inner Demons (namely, Kate's Inner Demons, Rob's Inner Demons, Moni's Inner Demons, Nick's Inner Demons, and Angela's Inner Demons) we will move on to take over the world. We've even got an underground lair and everything!

So, what to get for him? Clothes are good. CJ has a lot of important-type stuff coming up next year (not the least of which are student teaching and job interviews), and he�ll need to dress up. Now, as you all know perfectly well, CJ is a "t-shirt and jeans kinda guy." This means that his attire of choice consists of a t-shirt and jeans. If it gets cold out, he wears a sweatshirt on top of the t-shirt. He rarely wears jackets, because, as he says �It�s not that cold.� In reality, he would wear jackets, but CJ finds that withstanding the cold, which truly does not bother him a terribly great deal (one of the benefits that being possessed by Inner Demons brings), he finds any benefits of wearing a jacket are far outweighed by the looks of shock and disbelief he gets when walking around campus not wearing one. But, to get back to the point at hand, CJ prefers clothing that is both comfortable and cheap, which, sadly, is not exactly the ideal attire when it comes to impressing important business people. Having nicer clothes also makes us Inner Demons look better, as it appears that we've possessed someone of great importance. So, nice pants, button-down shirts, things of that sort. Don't go overboard though, because...and I'll be perfectly honest here� the essence of us Inner Demons is a male essence, and we don't like getting ALL clothes. Talk to Kate's Inner Demons, Moni's Inner Demons, or Angela's Inner Demons for that. They're female, and would probably appreciate clothes more. The idea here is to keep CJ happy. That means variety.

Movies are also very good. Attached, you will see a list of movie titles. These are movies that CJ already owns. Do not buy any of these. However.... if the movie you are thinking about buying is NOT on this list, please proceed. He has no preferences whatsoever. Even "chick flicks" are acceptable, as that will appeal more to the females with whom CJ socializes. CJ likes it when girls visit him. Something to do with hormones? I dunno. Of course, action packed shoot-'em-up "Let's see how many bodies we can pile up in a 30-second timeframe" films are also quite acceptable, provided of course, that they are not already on the aforementioned list.

Books are another good thing. CJ likes to read. He likes it a lot. But I also realize the difficulty in predicting a book that CJ will like. Towards that end, I recommend one of those really cool gift cards. Please bear in mind that the only major chain bookstore close to where CJ lives most of the year is Barnes & Nobles.

CJ could also use a new alarm clock. The singing wolf-saxophone (we've always wanted to ask how the wolf succeeds in both singing AND playing the saxophone at the same time) is living out the end of his days. We think this due to the fact that CJ is sleeping on the top bunk of a bunk bed nowadays, and the saxophone playin' singin' wolf has taken to making suicide attempts on more than one occasion. An amusing side-effect is that the second hand has snapped off, but of course, the glass faceplate prevents access, and CJ has to jiggle the clock every night to get the second hand positioned just so, or the minute hand will come down, scoop it up, and it'll get wedged between the minute hand and the hour hand, effectively stopping the clock. Then CJ will oversleep, miss his morning classes, get an "F" in those classes, and get kicked out of school and it'll be ALL YOUR FAULT.

Honestly...how can we be expected to take over the world when the person we possess is a college flunk? Or rather, a college flunk who�s too lazy to go about creating a widely used yet extremely inefficient computer Operating System. If he did that�well then we�d have something, but CJ is far too lazy for that. You know, I'm almost led to think that you didn't want us to take over the world, but we just know that's not the case.....IS IT? Um, word of note. You might want to collaborate on this. CJ will not be happy if he receives only alarm clocks. And if CJ isn't happy, we can't take over.

In addition, Alpha Phi Omega merchandise will be VERY well received. Note that CJ already has a candy jar (Thanks Rick & Maggie!) and more than enough sets of letters (shirts/sweatshirts with the Greek letters "Alpha Phi Omega" on them). The fraternity website can be accessed at http://www.apo.org, but if we may be perfectly honest....most of the stuff on that website is, well....hideous. We really mean that. It is some of the ugliest stuff CJ has ever seen. But the order catalogs are pretty good. We have seen to it that CJ's parents have gained access to some of them, if you feel like looking through them. In case it's required, CJ's membership number is 925 295650.

Finally, money is also well acceptable. CJ has a much more, how do we say, "lively" social life this year than in the past, and he is learning to some dismay that this results in a significantly increased drain upon his financial resources. I mean, take a girl out to a movie, and it sets a man back $15! Granted, as Inner Demons, we are devoted to being evil and all that, but� even we have limits, and that�s a bit much! So, feel totally free to simply make large donations to help combat this drain. It is a mighty struggle, not unlike CJ's struggle with us, his Inner Demons. Ultimately, it will probably fail, but anything to stay off the defeat for a little while longer will be gratefully accepted. This goes along with the whole grades thing, we can hardly work to take over the world if CJ is so poor he can't buy the supplies we will need to achieve this.

It's all about taking over the world, you see. And you have a choice to make. You can either support us, and buy Christmas presents for CJ as he will enjoy, thus making his mind weaker in his struggle against us, or you can work against us, and be forced to see how very sad he gets when nothing good comes to him this year. (See...aren't we evil? But then...evil is what we do, so it's a good thing! Wait� if that�s a good thing, then it�s bad� but if it�s bad that makes it good�.AUHG!) Happy holidays, and good luck shopping!

-CJ's Inner Demons

And I want everyone to lay large levels of SHAME on Drake, for asking me "What possessed you to write this?"

Obviously, he didn't read it very well.

-Phule

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Replies:

You know, Pam Andersons name on Baywatch was CJ. Just thought i'd add my 2 cents. Oh yeah, if anyone has a World War 2 research paper lying around i'd love to have it, I have to do one by wednesday and its hella hard. Thanks! Oh yeah, BTW im #4 in the world at RA2... WOOHOO!(This puts me at #1USA) Im aimin for that pretty digital camera. Yeah. ANyway, I hope u all have a nice Kwanza and stuff. Seasons Greetings!! [nt] -- Anthrax, 11:39:15 12/16/00 Sat
- I did my research paper on "The Battle of Midway" which was a quite a chunk of WW2, but I ain't given ya jack, it took me a decent hour to cook up this 5 page report :) on the night before the due date, you go work for your own grade :P -- Zeratul, 19:55:45 12/18/00 Mon
  - And may God have mercy on your cursed soul ::cackles:: -- Zeratul, 19:56:46 12/18/00 Mon
  - Midway was a key part of the war, it's true, but it's my no means "a large chunk." Not only that, but we were LUUUUUUUCKY in that battle. We were SO lucky. We had no business winning that fight. But it's sure good that we did. GO USA! WE RULE! (NT) -- Mr. Phule, 20:52:34 12/18/00 Mon
    - Agreed ;) (NT) -- Zeratul, 21:20:17 12/19/00 Tue
  - Re: I did my research paper on "The Battle of Midway" which was a quite a chunk of WW2, but I ain't given ya jack, it took me a decent hour to cook up this 5 page report :) on the night before the due date, you go work for your own grade :P -- KrazoRebel, 20:33:03 05/02/04 Sun
  - Re: I did my research paper on "The Battle of Midway" which was a quite a chunk of WW2, but I ain't given ya jack, it took me a decent hour to cook up this 5 page report :) on the night before the due date, you go work for your own grade :P -- Anne, 13:28:22 02/02/05 Wed
Re: My Christmas List -- teresa boswell, 22:49:07 01/06/06 Fri
- Re: My Christmas List -- Jenay, 07:33:15 06/06/07 Wed