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Date Posted: 18:35:40 01/27/00 Thu
Author: Mr. Phule
Subject: [NSSWOTA] Delusions of Granduer, part 4

Pre-story comments....

Um, this is pretty much cut & pasted from one of the things I wrote before, so if you read my story from last time, um...this probably isn't gonna be all that "awe-inspiring"

Live with it.

Also...if you don't have a character, and want one, please talk to me. E-mail me, IM me, post...anything...I need more characters!

Anyway...that's about it...

Delusions of Grandeur
Part 4


Written by: Chris "Mr. Phule" Lingel





[Scene: Save Haven HQ. Our "heroes" are looking over the data from the captured CD]

Mr. Phule: ::watching the tape as the Flenser destroys the practice dummies:: Impressive.

Anthrax: Why do I really not want to fight that?

Emrys: Watch out for that thing. It took out my entire team in moments. Nothing we did could touch it.

Omnivich: That looks like a newer model. They probably have Dr. Seivan over there.

Mr. Phule: Who?

Omnivich: He designed the Flenser series combat drone. I suppose this is the Mark IV. It seems they’ve ironed out all the problems from the first three designs.

Mr. Phule: Any idea as to how to fight this thing?

Omnivich: Not yet, sorry.

Emrys: Heh, that’s easy. You run.

Anthrax: What about that command phrase?

Omnivich: He didn’t say it out loud, and they were standing with their backs to the camera.

Mr. Phule: Well, let’s go over it again. Maybe we’ll come across something.

::they watch it again::

Omnivich: Wait a minute! Go back!

Mr. Phule: What? Do you see something?

Omnivich: I think I’ve got an idea….

[Scene: Blizzard HQ CEO’s Office]

CEO: Report.

HP: Sir, a team from Safe Haven just attempted a raid. The Flenser Drone fought them off with impunity. We let one escape with some decoy information.

CEO: And the attempts to locate their base?

HP: No success yet, sir.

CEO: I do not like failure. You are not irreplaceable. Remember what happened to your predecessor. ::motions to a chair made out of bones sitting in the corner::

HP: ::gulps:: Uh, well, actually sir, we actually had an idea about that sir. They’re gamers, sir, and therefore must be dependent on caffeine to survive, just as we are.

CEO: And this helps us how?

HP: Well, sir, it means that the base must be near a source of high caffeine. We searched out an old Denny’s. We found the remnants of a rebel base, but we estimate it has been abandoned for some time.

CEO: So, you haven’t found them, then?

HP: No, sir. But it does prove that our hypothesis is correct. They are in the area, sir, and there is only a finite number of places that supply the amount of caffeine they require. I have men searching the city as we speak. It’s only a matter of time, sir.

CEO: Excellent. You may yet have use here after all. Continue the search.

HP: Yes, sir…of course, sir. ::leaves::

[Scene: Safe Haven HQ]

Omnivich: Alright, we’ve got a plan.

HellHarpoon: Hey! Aren’t I the one who is supposed to come up with those?

Mr. Phule: Yes, but we need a plan that doesn’t involve rabid armadillo’s.

HellHarpoon: Oh.

Omnivich: From the success of Operation Cute Puppy, we have identified a weakness in the Flenser Programming. ::starts the CD, and the group here’s the voice of one of the men::

“Fastest computer there is. The AI contains every form of combat known to man. The personality was taken from Diablo and spliced with some Zerg, from Starcraft….”

::Omnivich stops the recording::

Omnivich: Dr. Seivan stated that the AI is partially governed by Diablo 1 programming.

HellHarpoon: What does that mean, aside from the fact that it’s a no good, body-looting, PKer? Scum, I tell ya…SCUM! Death to the infidels!

Mr. Phule: It means that for the last hour, Drake, Zeratul, and Goku have been on the ‘net downloading every hack, cheat, and trainer they can find.

Zeratul: Hey! I’ve got a line!

Goku: Wow! Me too! But why don’t we have characters?

Mr. Phule: Because you haven’t talked to the author about it, yet. (Hint, hint)

Omnivich: Using this laptop, we plan to upload those files into the Flenser’s CPU. With luck, it’ll cause the Flenser to crash.

::from outside, a loud explosion is heard, followed by the sound of Anthrax screaming in pain, followed by Emrys’ voice::

“Hey…so that’s where that one got too! I’ll have to remember that…sorry ‘bout that, Anthrax”

HellHarpoon: Um…that wasn’t me, I didn’t do that…

Mr. Phule: That was Emrys. He SAYS he’s got a spatula that can serve as a connection between this laptop and the Flenser, but he’s not sure which one it is, so he’s out back testing all of them on Anthrax until he finds it. We can’t afford any screw-ups.

HellHarpoon: Do we get to fight? Huh…huh, do we? Do we?

Mr. Phule: Yes, but we’ll need to draw the Flenser out into the open. Thoughts on this?

Omnivich: ::points to a map:: There’s an abandoned warehouse not too far from here. Using the penguins as a form of chain, we should be able to lead the Flenser here, and attack. We can immobilize it with these Duct-Tape Grenades, then make the data transfer.

Mr. Phule: Alright, Omnivich, we’ll need you there to make the transfer. Myself, Drake, Anthrax, and Emrys will also tag along. HellHarpoon, we’ll need a squad of your finest penguins to aid.

HellHarpoon: Woohoo! Carnage awaits!

[Scene: Back Door of Blizzard, which, for some odd reason, is totally undefended. A long Penguin named Dave approaches the door. They had drawn straws to see which one would go first. HellHarpoon had drawn the short straw, and then declared that the longest straw went first]

Dave: Why, oh why did it have to be me? I should’ve been an author. Oh well…here’s goes… ::knocks on the door::

>>>Target Detected
>>>Target Type: Lagomorph
>>>Threat rating: 5
>>>Determination…
>>>
>>>OSH Combat unit
>>>Consulting protocols
>>>
>>>Mission Parameter 2
>>>Initiating attack Sequence AA-47

::Suddenly, a shadow covers Dave. Looking up, he sees the Flenser descending towards him. With a start, Dave begins running. He hears the Flenser crash to the ground behind him, then begin chasing.::

Dave: Oh man…oh man oh man oh man IDON’TWANNADIE!

::running as fast as a penguin can (which is surprisingly fast, really…when you’re being chased by a two-ton death machine, it makes a man…uhh, penguin, limber on his feet, or uh, whatever it is that penguins have)::

Dave: Definitely an author…or maybe a dentist…anything but this!

::as he approaches the end of his run, Dave spies the next runner. Dave dives into a ditch in the ground, as the second runner takes off::

>>>New Target Acquired
>>>Threat rating: 5 4
>>>Target 2 opening range
>>>Consulting Protocols
>>>
>>>Determination….
>>>
>>>Pursue target 2
>>>Engaging pursuit

::the second penguin takes off as though his life depends on it (which it does) as he races towards the next penguin in line. The Flenser is less than six feet behind him when he spies the next penguin hiding behind a dumpster, which the penguin jumps into. The third penguin, seeing the Flenser, begins running::

>>>New Target Acquired
>>>Threat rating: 4 4
>>>Target 2 opening range
>>>Consulting Protocols
>>>
>>>Determination….
>>>
>>>Pursue target 2
>>>Engaging pursuit

::the third penguin takes off. He is the last penguin in the chain, and has the longest run. Ahead, the warehouse grows in size. Behind him, he hears the terrible crashing of the Flenser as it rapidly gains ground. Putting on a final burst of speed, the penguin jumps into the warehouse, sliding to stop in the middle. Outside, the Flenser pauses::

Penguin: He’s right behind me!

Mr. Phule: Where is it?

>>>Warning!
>>>New Targets acquired
>>>Threat rating: 4 4 5 3 1 17 20 22 3 4 3 3 26 4 3 17
>>>Consulting Protocols
>>>
>>>Determining Possibilities
>>>Ambush: 72% assume
>>>Safe Haven base: 14%
>>>Disgruntled Postal Workers: 8%
>>>Unrelated targets: 6%
>>>
>>>Assuming ambush
>>>Initiating attack sequence WX-49

Omnivich: Why hasn’t it come in, yet…

Drake: Hey, you guys hear something?

Mr. Phule: Yea…sounds like music….oh crap…HIT THE DECK!

::the team dives away as 200 decibels of “Ice Ice Baby” blast through the building. One entire wall of the warehouse explodes inward, and the Flenser steps into the hole, it’s remarkable outline silhouetted against the setting sun::

Mr. Phule: Damn, the thing knows how to make an entrance. Now get him! ::throws a duct-tape grenade::

>>>Warning!
>>>Incoming projectiles
>>>Running Evasive
>>>
>>>Initiating attack sequence BD-5X4

::The Flenser jumps into the air, avoiding the duct-tape grenades. While in the air, two shots of plasma fly out, killing two penguins. The Flenser then lands on a third penguin, crushing him instantly. More duct-tape grenades fly towards the Flenser. One explodes on the Flenser’s foot, holding it fast to the ground, as HellHarpoon and half the remaining penguins charge::

>>>Targets 1 12 14 eliminated
>>>Enemy attempting restraint
>>>
>>>Additional power to servo group 5B
>>>Targets 2 3 4 10 13 attacking
>>>
>>>Initiating attack sequence CC-75

::The Flenser pauses for a moment, before ripping his restrained leg off the ground. He then turns and slices the attacking penguins to shreds, as HellHarpoon slaps two duct-tape grenades against the Flenser. The Flenser turns and smacks HellHarpoon across the chest. HellHarpoon flies into the wall, and slumps to the ground::

::However, the delay has given the remaining Safe Haven forces time to continue the assault. Both the legs of the Flenser are now held to the ground, and most of the upper torso is covered in duct-tape::

>>>Targets 2 3 4 10 eliminated
>>>Target 13 disabled
>>>Targets 6 7 8 9 11 attacking
>>>Initiating attack sequence A-1

::The Flenser’s plasma cannons line up, but Drake takes careful aim and shoots just as one of them prepares to fire. The resulting explosion throws Drake against the wall, right next to HellHarpoon, and consumes the remaining Penguins. The Flenser sits dazed for a moment, giving everyone else time to bear it to the ground. Once down, they proceed to cover it with duct tape::

>>>Targets 9 11 15 eliminated
>>>Target 7 disabled
>>>Target 5 attacking
>>>Enemy attempting restraint
>>>Attack Sequence DD-35
>>>Error: Weapon system Gamma unavailable
>>>Weapon system gamma on-line in 00:00:16
>>>Restraints eliminated in 00:00:48

Mr. Phule: It’s down! Omnivich, Emrys, make the connection!

Anthrax: Die! You piece of metal, DIE! ::leaps onto the Flenser’s chest and starts beating with his fists::

Omnivich: Emrys, got the spatula?

Emrys: Right here…::holds up a spatula with a tag on it that reads “THIS IS THE SPATULA THAT WILL DEFEAT THE FLENSER” :: just tell me when you’re ready.

>>>Weapon system Gamma on-line
>>>Initiating Attack sequence DD-35
>>>Restraints eliminated in 00:00:32

::Panels on the each of the Flensers’ shoulders open up. Realizing that he has only seconds left to live, Anthrax chooses to make his final words memorable::

Anthrax: Eep!

::Anthrax simply ceases to be as the warehouse is flooded with Spice Girls music. Meanwhile, Omnivich and Emrys are ready::

Omnivich: All set, do it, Emrys

Emrys: Spatula…ACTIVATION!

::from the tip of the Spatula, two beams of light emerge. One links to Omnivich’s laptop, the other intersects with the Flenser::

Mr. Phule: It’s breaking through the duct-tape! Hurry!

Omnivich: Yes! It’s working. Beginning upload.

Emrys: I just hope this spatula is a damned fast connection.

>>>Target 5 eliminated
>>>Restraints removed in 00:00:18

###Upload complete it 00:00:18

>>>Restraints removed in 00:00:12

###Upload complete in 00:00:12

Omnivich: Come on…come on…

>>>Restraints removed in 00:00:09

###Upload complete in 00:00:09

>>>Restraints removed in 00:00:03

###Upload complete in 00:00:03

>>>Restraints removed
>>>Initiating attack sequence AA-47

###Upload complete
###WARNING, this program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down

Omnivich: Damnit! The program crashed…the upload is complete though.

Mr. Phule: Here it comes!

>>>Warning…system error
>>>Targets detected
>>>Threat rating: 99 99 99
>>>ERROR! Invalid value: 99 (Threat rating value = 1-50)

::Just before the Flenser reaches Phule, it falters::

Mr. Phule: What’s happening? It’s slowing down.

>>>SYSTEM ERROR
>>>Attempting to patch….
>>>Patch 1.01…ineffective
>>>
>>>Patch 1.02…ineffective
>>>
>>>Patch 1.03…ineffective
>>>
>>>Patch 1.04…ineffective
>>>
>>>Patch 1.05…ineffective
>>>
>>>Patches ineffective
>>>Consulting Protocols
>>>WARNING Protocols Corrupted
>>>System Shutdown imminent
>>>
>>>Would you like to save disk changes? (Y/N)
>>>
>>>N
>>>Are you sure? (Y/N)
>>>
>>>Y
>>>Ok, fine…be that way.
>>>
>>>SYSTEM CRASH

::The Flenser stops moving::

Mr. Phule: Did it work?

Emrys: ::brandishing a spatula:: I sure hope so…or we’re dead meat.

::The Flenser falls over, making a large clang which echoes throughout the building. Phule, Emrys, and Omnivich heave a sigh of relief::

Emrys: Whew…what a relief. Now, to make sure we never see this guy again…Omnivich, give me a hand, here?

Omnivich: Sure, thing. Good for us that it worked, this computer is fried.

::Omnivich and Emrys, with the help of some heavy equipment, push the Flenser into a large hole in the floor of the warehouse. Emrys runs over to a cement mixer outside and backs it up. Minutes later, the Flenser is contained::

::Phule, meanwhile, has gone over to where Drake and HellHarpoon are lying::

Mr. Phule: Hey guys…we won!

Drake: Uhhhg…fppppppt…gyaaaahhhh…

Mr. Phule: Are you two alright?

HellHarpoon: I think I broke something…maybe everything…

Drake: Medic… please… medic…

Mr. Phule: Great! You two will be just fine. Emrys, Omnivich! Help me get these two out of here.

::As the survivors leave, camera pans to the steadily hardening cement….::

::zoom in::

::zoom in::

::stop::

>>>
>>>
>>>System reboot complete…
>>>Status… 01%
>>>Fatal System Error
>>>Patches ineffective
>>>Consulting Protocols
>>>
>>>
>>>Initiating auto-patch synthesizer…
>>>
>>>
>>>Auto patch version 1.06 complete in 49:34:42
>>>
>>>
>>>49:34:39
>>>
>>>
>>>49:34:36
>>>
>>>
>>>49:34:33
>>>


[To Be Continued… ]

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