Re: Untitled -- The Chasm

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Date Posted: 05:45:04 09/17/01 Mon
Author: Lauren
Subject: Re: Untitled
In reply to: Dreamcatcher 's message, "Untitled" on 10:45:34 09/08/01 Sat

Hi, Dreamcatcher,

I think what you have here is perhaps a core of a poem. There is much to work with, in terms of conceptualizing something more concrete, but as it stands right now, there is something missing--a more definitive character sketch, a reason for the loyalty of the narrator, a clue as to why the subject of the poem needs the narrator's loyalty, and so on.

There is a fine line between a subtle poem and a vague one, and in this particular post, I think the poem leans too far toward vague. Perhaps you could provide something a little more substantial--a little poetic muscle, if you will--to fill out this poem. You've already got a skeleton; now add some meat!

One big nit: "I will be there for you." Aaargh! You can do better than this oft-repeated teeny-bopper phrase!

Warmly,
Lauren

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Replies:

Re: Untitled -- Dreamcatcher, 02:30:09 09/18/01 Tue