SEX JOKES!!! -- Kuantan Fah Yeun

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Date Posted: 10:13:08 08/04/99 Wed
Author: The Malaysian Football team
Subject: SEX JOKES!!!

TOP 9 SEX JOKES

# 9

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a
woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as
soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room
1221."

# 8

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get
you?" the bartender inquires.

"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.

"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blowjob."

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste,
nothing will."

#7

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated
next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos
and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting
book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American
Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the
biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Amanda. What's
yours?"

He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

# 6

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps
his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynocologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few
minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This
time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment
tomorrow, too?"

# 5

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife
that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his
penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should
see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that
he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on
his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His
wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge
to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No,Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

# 4

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a
coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left
breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out
a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is
a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast
to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her
right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor
suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he
will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the
man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as
a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks
what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."

# 3

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts
the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place
my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one
minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit
unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you
will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's
open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After
a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator
hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the
man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd
cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone
$100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the
back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but
you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer
bottle."

#2

A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he
notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black
dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall,
350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball,
Turner Brown."

The small white guy faints!!

The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him
to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white
guy "What's wrong?"

The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?"

The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds,
20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is
Turner Brown."

The small white guy says, "Thank God, I thought you said 'Turn
around.'"

# 1

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old
gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been
married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting
here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked
as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get
naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at
the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee
and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!

Contributed by: Julie Cummings

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