| Subject: Tha Jeff-O-Holics Fan Club |
Author:
Antonio Montana
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Date Posted: 22:04:40 12/29/00 Fri
[After that fiasco behind a strip club, Antonio has decided not to show his face around there for a sometime. I mean, hell...imagine, you want to rape a what you think is a lovely lady, but it ends up bveing some 16 years old kid, who doesn't shave and is soo hooked up on hormon pills, that even his breasts started to grow. Thar or a plastic operation. Either way, it's pretty fuckin sad, ESPECIALLY if it was caught on camera. Not to mention you're lookin for a pusy, but you get the wang.. poor Stinky, he discovered Junior and was served a led sallad. HE WAS SHOT, DAMMIT, Vince! Stop skipping school. Even Jeff understood that. Now, this time, Montana decided to do something else.. he decided to join Tha Jeff-O-Holics... let's see where they meet, let's see what they do... hell, let's see what kind of population does Jeff have behind him... now, i have a feeling this might be.. a LONG day.. so, buckle up, sit back and enjoy the ride.... please, don't forget the doggy bags,...]
[Scene opens with a face shot of Antonio Montana in the wilderness... nah..it's on some small town, kinda like on the old west. We zoom out to see his dodge viper parked behind and a passenger in the co-driver's seat. Antonio is looking around, what it looks to be a deserted city. Montana turns around and walks to the co-drivers site.. the windown goes down as a pretty brunette sits there..she is wearing a black sleveless tank top and cut of jeans shorts. Montana is wearing...what do we care? Ok, ok, for those FLAMERZ out there, Montana is wearing black baggy Tommy Hilfinger jeans and white FUBU jersey that reads "Sensation" on the back, with red letters.]
[Antonio Montana] Are we at the right place?
[Girl] I told you we took the wrong road at that intersection. This town hasn't seen a soul since the days when Will Smith shot "Wild Wild West" video...
[Antonio Montana] Kim, that was a great analogy...
[Kim] That wasn't analogy.. was it?
[Antonio Montana] Uh.. doesn't matter. Let's just go further down this road...i have a strong feeling we might hit the jackpot...
[Kim] Well, I still think we should turn around and try the other road...
[Antonio Montana] Baby, let me do the thinking.. and you do what you do best..
[Antonio walks around the car to his side and sits in... he starts the engine]
[Kim] And what is it that i do best?
[Antonio Montana] Suck, beautiful, suck!
[Antonio takes her, gently by the hair and puts her head in his crotch as he drives away... OH, yeah, i forgot you don't know.
Antonio met Kim, when he was making his way home the following morning, after sleeping in card boxes. She was selling flowers.. a flower selling flowers... however,
Antonio made a move, but first thng he asked was.. "Are you a trans-a-vest"... not to mention, he was in K-Mart first thing in the morning, to buy deodorant. Anyway, we join
Montana and Kim again this time as they stop at the gate of some huge farm..you can hear pigs sqeeling, sheeps, goats... making their noises.... and on the fence, there is the following sign, with a buzzer next to it....]
[Antonio Montana] That was sweet [gebtly pushes Kim away and pulls the zipper up] Baby, look, we're here.
[Kim] So you were right.. for a change...
[Antonio rings the buzzer as the sirene goes off... so loud it would wake half of New York.
Antonio jumps back and covers his ears as 15 seconds later, the sirene is shut off. A while later some grandma comes to the fence, holding a
shotgun. She points it at Montana's head..]
[Grandma] [Extremely irritating voice] WHAT DO YOU WANT, HIPPY?
[Antonio Montana] Umm.. hello, i am a BIG.. hell, a HUGE
Jeff fan and i was hoping to become a Jeff-O-Holic.
[Grams puts the shutgun down and opens the door, suddenly turns into a kind old woman, who bakes cookies and pies all day... ]
[Grandma] Come in the, come in. I am
Jeff's great grandma... and a president of this fan club. What is your anme...
[Antonio Montana] My...err...i am... Anto.. Montana..
[Great-Grandma] I was afraid you were that Antonio something guy, that Jeff is fighting...
[Antonio Montana] Naw, m'am, he sucks!
[Great-Grandma] I agree. Jeff will rip his balls off and strangle him with them... BAWAWAWA...
[Antonio Montana] [whispers to Kim] Now i know where he got his common sense...
[Old woman is half deaf anyway.. hell, with a buzzer like that, who wouldn't be?]
[Great-Grandma] Well, let me show you around one bit. We're just having a
Jeff-O-Holics gathering...
[She leads them pass the animal stalls, with pigs, cows, sheeps and goats, monkeys... MONKEYS?]
[Antonio Montana]
Sooo, this is where Jeff gets his animals..for the promos i mean...
[Great-Grandma] Promos ...and occasional orgy's for Big Matt... see that goat..
[Points at the goat, that portrayed as
Montana in the last promo]
[Antonio Montana] Yes? What about it?
[Great-Grandma] He's pimpin her around to other farmers. Oh, my
Jeff... he's so smart...
[Antonio Montana] How come he didn't graduate from high school then?
[Great-Grandma] I'll explain it in my office...
[Office? Ok, She leads the way into some old, small cotage, with a desk in the middle, and Tha
Jeff posters all over the wall. There is even promotional poster for Tha Jeff vs.
Antonio Montana match, but Montana's face was used as a dart target, so she can't remember what he looks like... Grandma sits in her chair as
Montana and Kim stand there infornt of the table.. just like they were at principal's office...except this "principal" is obsessed with Tha
Jeff...]
[Great-Grandma]
Hmm.. you look really familiar. Have we ever met before?
[Antonio Montana]
Umm.. no....i just have...one of THOSE faces... you know...
[Great-Grandma] Yeah, i guess.
[Antonio Montana] Now.. the story on why didn't
Jeff finish high school...
[Great-Grandma] Ah, yes...i almost forgot to tell you..
[Does the word "senile" mean anything to you?]
[Great-Grandma] Well, basically, i don't remember the details, but
Jeff beat some kid up really bad and was kicked out of school. Then, after that, no other school would accept him....
[Antonio Montana] Wow! Really?
[Great-Grandma] Sheet,.. no. I can't lie to a fan. He was actually beat up by some big hippy girl .. and then decided to drop out. His parents were trying to re-school him, but he wouldn't go to any school, because he's afraid of girls and hippies....
[Antonio Montana]
Oooh, that sure clears up a lot of things...so, where do i sign in as the Jeff-O-Holic?
[Grams puts a "contract", hand writen, with some stains, infront of
Antonio and a pencil. Antonio looks it over and signs it.. as Anto...he then gives it to Kim, who signs it as... Kim
Losers.. although that isn't her last name..obviously..]
[Great-Grandma] Welcome abroad,
Anto. Now, let me introduce you to the other memvers... they're waiting in the dining room...
[We walk out of the cotage and into some other building, where is a bigger room.. obviously a dining room. But the tables are stacked at the and of the room and around 20
Jeff-O-Holics are sitting in chairs, formed in a circle. Everything reminds of a group therapy at a psychiatric clinic. Grams gets three more chairs and puts them in the circle and the three sit down. A man on the opposite side of this circle, is staring at
Montana... almost like he has seen a devil]
[Great-Grandma] We have two new members with us... Kim and
Anto..
[Kim] [whispers to
Antonio] Is this a fan club or a support group?
[Great-Grandma] Well, you guys, will you introduce yourselves?
[Kim stands up, like at some A.A. meeting]
[Kim] My name is Kim and i'm ... i'm a
Jeff-O-Holic...
[Tha Jeff-O-Holics cheer]
[Great-Grandma]
Anto?
[Antonio Montana] [stands up and clears his throat..] My name is
Anto.. and i'm a...
[Gets cut of by the man, that was staring at him..]
[Man] YOU'RE
Antonio Montana! YOU'RE THE DEVIL!!!
[Antonio turns pale as grams waves her arm.]
[Great-Grandma] Thomas, what in
Jeff's name are you talkin about?
[Thomas] That guy is
Antonio Montana... Jeff's opponent...
[Everybody laughs at Thomas, like he was crazy..]
[Antonio Montana] I'm not
Antonio Montana.. my name is Anto...
[Thomas] [jumps up] I HAVE A PROOF!
[He pulls out a smaller promotional flier with Tha
Jeff and Antonio Montana on it. He shows it to grams, who puts her glasses on and takes a closer look..first at the flier..then at
anto.. and again....flier, Antonio..]
[Great-Grandma] Hot diggity damn, YOU ARE
Antonio Montana...
[Antonio Montana] No... i'm not...
[Great-Grandma] GET HIM!!
[Kim] RUN!!!
[Antonio and Kim jump up and run out of the door, with all the
Jeff-O-Holics chasing them.. even grams is limping behind. Antonio and Kim arrive to the fence...]
[Antonio Montana] Fuck..it's closed...
[Kim] Knob... press the fuckin' knob!
[Antonio Montana] Yeah, right, like that will work... [presses the knob and the gates open].. oh, what do you know..AMAZING!
[They run on in the car ... no time to even turn around as
Antonio speeds away in reverse down the road. Grams gets to thew gates and picks up the shotgun, she left here earlier... and starts shooting at the car... unfortunately, her glasses fell of in that CHASE, so she's not only daef, but also blind... we fade away from pissed
Jeff-O-Holics and back in the car to Antonio and Kim]
[Antonio Montana] Wow..now that was ....
[Kim] Intense
[Antonio Montana] I hear ya... you know,....i'm in the mood for something now..
[Kim] Don't say it...
[Kim bends down and puts her head on
Montana's crotch as we focus on Montana's face...]
[Antonio Montana]
Ok...i'll try not to moan much. Now, you know, i could say stuff about Tha Jeffnquent again.. but i said enough about him, already. Looks like some rookie wants a tractor to run over him.. yes,
Vincent. Guess what, boy.. you wanted some attention from Montana? You sure as hell got it. Well, at least SOME of it.. you're not important enough... i've dealt with dyslexic, down syndrome wrestlers before, so i know how to deal with you... first... your syndrome cannot be curred...it will only get worse, until you sound like..
Jeff.. You want that? I'm sure you don't.. so, go to some specialsist or something and try to prevent it.. although, right now, it doesn't look well. Let me tell you how i came with the dyagnosis... see,
Homer, i know who my dad is... Of course, if you didn't have two 21 chromosomes, you'd realize that, when i ask "Who's YO' daddy?", YO' stands for YOUR, not mine. See.. lingo games.. you suck at them. Now, if i said MY daddy.. that would give you the right to specualte if that ugly flamer you've shown us is indeed my dad... but how do we know it's not yours? Oh, and
Vincent.. let me tell ya something that'll do you good in the future... you don't have to impregnate every hermaphrodite you have sex with.. the contraception has come a long way these days.. THAT's why i don't have a baby... and, besides,...i'm not pimping hoes.....i'm fuckin hoes. Buy a dictionary of "street talk" to see the difference. Next time, you decide you want me to verbally rip you a new ass hole... just keep in mind that i am ...
THE SENSATION SWEEPING THE NATION,
OBJECT OF YOUR SISTER'S MASTURBATION
[Scene fades as Antonio
starts moaning louder and louder....AND LOUDER... I know what you're wondering right now.. does she spit...or swallow? Either way.. you wish to be
Antonio, don't you?]
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