| Subject: Clocks, Riches and Forrest Gump! |
Author:
John
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Date Posted: 20:10:21 10/14/07 Sun
In reply to:
John
's message, "Closing Sermon" on 20:34:56 08/29/07 Wed
Clocks in Heaven
A man passed away and went to Heaven. Upon arriving at the
pearly gates, St. Peter said, "Come on in. I'll show you around. I really think you'll like it here." Walking through the gates, the man noticed that there were clocks everywhere. It appeared that Heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.
Surprised at how Heaven looked, the man asked St. Peter "What's the deal with all the clocks?"
St. Peter replied, "They keep track of everybody on earth.
There is one clock for each person. Every time someone tells a lie, his clock moves forward one minute. For instance, this clock belongs to President George WB. If you watch it closely, it will move any second." Click. The minute hand on GWB clock moved forward one minute. Click. It moved forward another minute. "GWB is a great liar, he lies about everything all the time," said St. Peter. "The minute hand on his clock moves all day long."
The man and St. Peter continued walking and soon came across a clock covered with cobwebs. "Whose clock is this?" asked the man.
"That clock belongs to Mother Theresa. She is one of the finest persons on earth. I bet her clock hasn't moved at all."
They continued walking and touring Heaven. The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all his friends. When the tour was finally finished, the man said, "I've seen everyone's clock but one. Where is Philippines President Marcos kept?" St. Peter smiled and said, "Look up there. We use his clock for a ceiling fan."
Bring riches with you
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"
Forrest Gump in Heaven
Forrest Gump died and went to Heaven. When he got to the pearly gates,
Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on Earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer three questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T."
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What is God's first name?
Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered, "The two days of the week that begin with 'T' are 'Today' and 'Tomorrow.' There are twelve seconds in a year.
And God has two first names; they are 'Andy' and 'Howard.'
Saint Peter said, "Okay, I'll buy Today and Tomorrow. Even
though it's not the answer I expected, your answer is correct. But, how did you get twelve seconds in a
year, and why did you ever think that God's first
name is either Andy or Howard?
Forrest responded: Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc..."
"OK, I'll give you that one, too," said Saint Peter, "but what about the God's first name stuff?"
Forrest said, "Well, from the song, 'Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own...' and the
prayer, 'Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name...' Saint Peter let him in without further discussion.
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