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Subject: Childless and alone


Author:
Gina
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Date Posted: 03:42:27 01/29/06 Sun
 I had my abortion December 30; i was 12 weeks pregnant at the time. I am an 18 year old college engineering sophmore. When I first found out I was pregnant I felt an amazing feeling of joy and happiness...as well as feelings of fear. A few days later I told my boyfriend the news - he immediately backed up from me and quite insisted that we cannot keep the baby, a reaction i pretty much suspected.

I in my heart wanted to have this child, yet in my head i thought that it would not be fair to bring a child into the world whom may grow up without a stable home. Another thought was my highly old-fashioned and religious parents as they are incredibly strict with me even tough I have been out of their house for 2 years now, and I don't hesitate to say that they would have disowned me and cut off all financial support if they knew of the pregnancy. Lastly was the fact that I have two years left until i get my degree and to be able to attain my life dream of being able to work towards the betterment of mankind.

Despite all the realities I could not bring myself to have an abortion - from the moment i knew i was pregnant (which was truly before the pregnancy test) i was in love with this child. Finally at 12 weeks I decided to have the procedure. Looking back I was mentally ready to have the baby, yet simply did not have the support or financial ability.

I went to the clinic alone. My boyfriend did not take the day off to go with me (yet he was able to take a day off two weeks later because he simply didn't want to go in for work), nor did he bother to think of how i was feeling (physically and emotionally) and do ANYTHING to ease my pain. Even worse was that he was wanting intercourse less than one week after my procedure! Regardless, he is the only person who knows (until now) of those 12 weeks of my life, henceforth me writing here.

The emptiness inside is the worst feeling ever. To cry at the sight of your flat stomach in a mirror, to know that you CHOSE to end the life of your first child, to feel depressed at the sight of children, baby items, and your pregnant friends, to do a lab at school dealing with ultrasound and fill up with tears the entire time because all that i see is the picture of my baby Keili on that ultrasound.

I wish I could be pregnant again, pregnant still. "To have that feeling once again, reuinited in the end" I just feel terrible that I was so selfish to chose myself over my child. I know i did it for some quite strong reasons, yet the thought remains - what if. What if things would have worked out beautifully. I cover my feelings because my boyfriend doesn't particularly want anyone to know and his underlying "just get over it" attitude does not help. It just hurts sooooo bad. I know they say 'that which doesn't kill you will only make you stronger' but it is such a daily struggle to keep the pain from killing me.
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Replies:
[> Subject: Re: Childless and alone


Author:
Kris
[Edit]
Date Posted: 10:19:33 01/30/06 Mon
Dear Gina,

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. I want to urge you to seek out some solid post-abortion counseling. Some pregnancy centers offer this kind of couseling for free. You can look up a center in your area at this web site:

www.optionline.org

you should also visit this site:

www.safehavenministries.com

and I noticed another lady had responded to another post and recommended this site:

http://www.healinghearts.org/index.php

You are going to find that all of these help centers have one thing in common - they are religious based. I did pick up on the line that you have religious parents, so I am assuming this is OK for you.

I also hope you can find it in you to go talk to your parents. As the mother of a 19 yr old son and a 17 yr old daughter, I know I would want to know what was going on in their lives - especially something to serious. Your parents *love* you so much, I am sure, and they only want the best things in life for you. They will realize that you aren't perfect, and love you still. You need to give them that chance.

You also need to forgive yourself and ask God to forgive you. On top of that, you need to forgive your boyfriend. All of what has happened came from fear - and fear is a very strong emotion we all have. Your boyfriend was afraid of what the future would be with a baby. It also seems to me that now he is just burying all the emotion about it all in hopes that it will just go away. It might not get to him right now, but somewhere down the road it will deeply affect him.

I hope some of this "advice" has helped. Please feel free to post again.

Hugs, Kris

[> Subject: Re: Childless and alone


Author:
Pat
[Edit]
Date Posted: 12:57:25 01/30/06 Mon
Hi, Gina,

I am very glad you came. I agree with Kris and urge you to get some counseling.

I think you are probably aware that you can't turn back the clock, you can only go on from here. But you can heal.

What your boyfriend did to you is incredibly cruel. I would really lay down the law to him about it. You will NOT make yourself vulnerable again, so he isn't entitled to go to bed with you anymore. And he is NOT entitled to your silence. He hurt you terribly. You don't owe him your silence, and I'd make that clear to him. He needs to seek your forgiveness. If he won't do that, then you should feel free to warn any other woman he gets involved with. I am outraged at his conduct!

There are some things that don't make you stronger. This is one of them. It may not kill you, and probably won't, but it will definitely be very harmful to you for quite awhile, which is why the counseling is so vitally important. Women don't ever forget. All you can do is receive God's forgiveness and then forgive yourself. Both are not easy. But complete healing IS possible.

I think it is also somewhat obvious that your relationship with your parents isn't what it should be. If you are afraid they will cut you off if they find out, then reconciliation with them is definitely needed. A crisis pregnancy agency can help you deal with this issue. Remember the way Jesus treated the woman taken in adultery. That is the example they should follow. Seek a way to reconcile with them so that they will not reject and disown you. Obviously, part of the reason this happened is because of their attitude, or your perception of it.

I have two daughters and five sons. I made it clear to them that if they were ever involved in abortion, I would disown them. However, if one of them came to me and said, "I had an abortion and I am sorry," I would forgive them and seek reconciliation. They received strong teaching at home against abortion. Our younger daughter actually responded by getting involved in counseling herself, and she was very good at it, though it took an emotional toll because two of the women chose abortion anyway. Thinking as a mother, I would want one of my children to be able to come to me and tell me that they were involved, and they were deeply sorry. If I saw true remorse, then reconciliation would be the first thing on my mind.

May God bless you in your efforts to deal with your situation.

Hugs,
Pat
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