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Subject: Someone Help Me Cope With This Pain Author: Amber [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] Date Posted: 12:41:25 11/24/04 Wed It's been almost a year since I had my abortion. And I can't cope with it. I can't talk to anyone, not even my boyfriend or my best friend. I feel so alone. All I can do is cry. I cry every day, for hours, alone. I am starting to shut out the world. I don't care about school anymore. I don't care about being around my friends & family. I feel so guilty & depressed. My boyfriend & I had been together for two and a half years before we had sex with one another. The first time we didn't use protection. But then I decided we should buy a box of condoms to be safe. It was our third time when the condom broke. I knew as soon as he pulled out that I was pregnant. Don't ask me how, I just did. I cried for hours because I was scared. Two weeks later I took a total of four pregnancy tests & got four positive results. I was 17 years old & he was 16 years old. At first I was petrified. I panicked. But those fears were replaced by excitement & happiness. I love children. I love babies & toddlers. I have three younger siblings myself. Together we decided we would keep our baby. It was the right thing to do. I began looking up names & parenting skills online. I was ready to give up everything for my child. I fell in love with the baby growing inside of me. I loved it more than I loved myself. I was hanging out with my boyfriend on a double date with his best friend & his best friend's girl. My Mommy called my boyfriend's cell. He handed it over to me with a grim look on his face. I took it & that's when she asked me, "Are you pregnant?" I started crying. She told me that she had found everything I looked up on the computer. For weeks we fought. Then she told me that I had to make a decision. She told me that she supported me, but sometimes I don't think she did. I feel like my Mommy talked me into getting an abortion. I was on this medication from my dermatologist. My Mommy told me that she did research on it & that it was harmful to a developing fetus. I feel like she got it so engraved in my head that my baby would be born unhealthy, I believed her. I don't want to sound like I am blaming my Mommy. I don't want to blame her. I wish she had taken me home from the clinic on the day I went for my abortion. I sat in the library across the street for close to an hour crying hysterically. I told her so many times that I just can't go through with it. That I'll die if I get rid of my own baby. But then she looked so disappointed. So upset with me. I said, "okay" & did it. I was so drugged up afterwards I couldn't feel anything. I just felt empty. I will never forget, when I got out of the hospital bed, I looked down at my feet. I was standing in a puddle of blood. I cleaned it up with my socks like it was nothing. I feel like I am lying to myself by telling myself that what I did was right. I feel like a horrible person. I am still with my boyfriend. We will have been together for close to 4 years now. He doesn't know what to do with me. Whenever I burst into tears in front of him I won't let him near me to comfort me. I am pushing him away. I feel like he doesn't share the same feelings I do about what happened. I blame him for everything. I love him. I really do. And I love the baby that I gave up. Somebody please help me. I can't go on like this anymore. I can't deal with this pain. It hurts so bad. I'm driving myself insane. I talk to my baby every night before I go to bed. Apologizing over & over again for being so stupid. I write apologies to my child on my stomach in pen. When I wake up in the morning I am covered in ink because I keep my hands over my stomach. I guess I dream about being pregnant. I can't eat & I sleep every second I am not at school or work. I am losing weight like crazy. I stay up really late crying. [Like now for example]. I am dying. I know I am. Very slowly. To some extent it is what I want. I want to join my baby wherever s/he is. I can't enjoy anything anymore. I can't watch movies where some girl is or ends up getting pregnant. I can't hang around people who have children, especially babies. I envy them. I envy mothers. I just don't know what to do. I am begging - somebody please help me. Please. [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

[> Subject: Re: Someone Help Me Cope With This Pain Author: Jenni [Edit] Date Posted: 21:41:12 11/26/04 Fri Amber! I'm so sorry your mother wasn't there for you and her grandchild. I'm guessing she wanted the best for you and thought abortion was the best answer. However, she didn't know that abortion is quick fix that comes with a lifetime of pain. I know the part all too well about how you feel like you are slowly dying.(I think about this all the time.) I know just how much you must be hurting inside right now. No, I'm not post-abortive, but I too thought about abortion when I found out I was pregnant at 19. So I'm very involved as a pro-lifer. I sidewalk counsel outside of the abortion clinic near me. I try to give the girls and women hope... a way out from their abortions. Sometimes they leave, but not many do. I wait until they come back out to offer them free legal assistance incase they've been physically hurt and to offer a number for free counseling... Every Saturday, there is at least one girl who is sobbing. My heart just aches... and I cry so hard sometimes that my stomach clenches up and heart actually hurts. I wish there was a way to take your pain away. We've all done things that we've regret, no one is perfect. I don't know if you believe in God, but I do. I know that He created me, you, and your child. And that He forgives us when we are sorry, and I have faith that you will see your child again. I know He has a plan for you. He created you for a reason. Your child is gone for the time being, but don't loose hope. There is always a bright side to every bad thing that happens in our lives. Your child's death doesn't have to be in vain. So many women suffer greatly after abortion, you've been there... you know what it is like. When things are better, you'd be able to help others get over their pain. Also, since you are in highschool right now, you CAN make a difference. So many girls get pregnant in highschool and will have abortions. You can be their child's voice... you can warn them of the devistation that comes from abortion. (If you feel comfortable letting others know your post-abortive... or you could even speak on general terms..."Abortion hurts women.") I've talked with post-abortive women who have said that God was the only person who brought them peace. Most say that the scars will never go away, but the infection (the guilt, fear, heart-ache) does die and the wound heals. There is a group called "Silent No More" (silentnomoreawareness.org)of post-abortive women who get together in different parts of the US and speak publically about how their abortions hurt them. The world needs to wake up and understand that abortion hurts women and their children. The are some of the bravest women I know and I look up to them, because it's not easy to come out and let others know you've had an abortion. You know? There are retreats by "Project Racheal" that help women (and men) heal after abortions. Chances are that your boyfriend is hurting too...he should attend also. Does your mom know how the abortion has affected you? If you go on the retreat... invite her. Your mom may be secretly upset about leading you into the abortion... she may be hurting also and benefit from the retreat too. I've heard that the retreats have done wonders. I believe that there is more info at the Silent No More web site. Peace, hope, love, Jenni

[> [> Subject: Re: Someone Help Me Cope With This Pain Author: Diane Cheryl [Edit] Date Posted: 21:33:37 12/07/04 Tue Katelyn and all who are reading this who have experienced abortion. I have some post abortion help literature if you are interested. Just email me. Hope to hear from you soon. Diane Cheryl CHERYL51@aol.com