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[> Subject: Re: A Man's Trauma
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Author:
Kris
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Date Posted: 09:41:35 02/02/05 Wed
Andrew ~ I am sorry for your loss and the pain you are feeling. I have a lot I would like to say, let me see how well I can express it to you. Your pain is real, and it is good for you to start looking for a healing process. You recognize this baby was human, was your child - and you have lost that. Losing something important (precious) will bring us grief - getting through a greiving process is important. You need to grieve to heal. You did a good thing by lighting a candle - that's a start. Here are some facts about grief:
"Bereavement means, literally, to be deprived by death. After someone dies, you go through a process of mourning. Numbness, anger and sadness can all be part of that process. Bereavement can also cause physical reactions including sleeplessness, loss of energy and loss of appetite.
Grief is normal
When someone is bereaved, they usually experience an intense feeling of sorrow - grief. People grieve in order to accept a deep loss and carry on with their life. Experts believe that if you do not grieve at the time of death, or shortly after, the grief may stay bottled up inside you. This can cause emotional problems or physical illness later on. Working through your grief can be a painful process, but it is often necessary to ensure your future emotional and physical well-being.
The stages of grief
There is no single way to grieve. Everyone is different and each person grieves in his or her own way. However, some stages of grief are commonly experienced by people when they are bereaved. There is no set timescale for these stages to be reached, but it can be helpful to be aware of the stages and to consider that intense emotions and swift changes in mood are normal. Feeling emotionally numb is often the first reaction to a loss, and may last for a few hours, days or longer.
The numbness may be replaced by a deep yearning for the person who has died. You may feel agitated or angry, and find it difficult to concentrate, relax or sleep. You may also feel guilty, dwelling on arguments you had with that person or on emotions and words you wished you had expressed.
This period of strong emotion usually gives way to bouts of intense sadness, silence and withdrawal from family and friends. During this time, you may be prone to sudden outbursts of tears, set off by reminders and memories of the dead person.
Over time, the pain, sadness and depression starts to lessen. You begin to see your life in a more positive light again, although it is important to acknowledge that you may not completely overcome the feeling of loss.
The final phase of grieving is to let go of the person who has died and move on with your life. This helps sadness to clear, and your sleeping patterns and energy levels to return to normal. *Letting go does not mean forgetting them.
How long does grieving take?
The grieving process can take time and should not be hurried. How long it takes depends on you and your situation. In general, though, it takes most people one to two years to recover from a major bereavement.
Coping with the grief process
There are many things you can do to help yourself cope during this time. Ask for help and support from family, friends or a support group. Try to express whatever you are feeling, be it anger, guilt or sadness. Accept that some things, like death, are beyond your control. Give yourself the time and space to grieve. By doing so, you are able to mourn properly.
What if you aren't coping?
Sometimes, the grieving process is especially difficult. Some people may find it impossible to acknowledge the bereavement at all, which can mean that their feelings are not worked through properly. Others may be unable to move on from their grief, making it impossible to rebuild their lives."
Some CPC's offer post abortion counseling for women - I do not know for sure if any in your area would also offer it for men. I think the "norm" is that Men are ignored in this situation.
Andrew, step one is going to be to forgive yourself. The situation was taken out of your hands, and you really didn't have a choice in the matter.
You mentioned that you are not a religious person - yet, you did turn to a church at a point of deep pain. I would like to suggest that you try a church. God is real, and He can mend broken hearts. I don't want to sound preachy - but I do know that it is true.
I would like to also suggest that you get a journal and write down how you are feeling, start from the beginning and work through all your emotions. Getting your feelings out and down on paper can be healing as well. No one has to read your journal - you can setroy it afterwards - but it really does help.
It would be more helpful if you have a support network - a close friend you can confide in. It's also good you are looking for help here as well.
If you would like to "talk" more, you can email me as well. I am not a professional counselor, but I've had some hard knocks in life that have sent me throgh the grieving process as well. (Been there, done that).
Kris
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Re: A Man's Trauma