Subject:  WHAT WAS I THINKING???? |
Author:
MO
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Date Posted: 20:25:52 03/24/05 Thu
REPOST
Well on April 30, 2001 I had my first abortion. At the time I was a sophomore in college and I live 4 hours away from home. I thought that having an abortion would be the best decision for me. I knew I couldn't take care of a baby, and I knew I wanted to finish school. I didn't tell the father because he lived 4 hours away and I thought he would try to deny my baby, and I didn't want that. So I went to have the "procedure" done. I asked to be put to sleep because I didn't want to remember what was going on. When I came out of the clinic, my friend said that I looked like I didn't have a care in the world. And that's exactly how I felt. I had no pains and I was in a great mood. I even went to work that night, and then to a party when I got off. The horrible thing I had down didn't sink in until months later. I beginned to feel like my soul was lost, because I didn't have any regrets. Even though I felt like I had every right to have a abortion, I still knew it was wrong, because I was raised in the church. So every year on the anniversary of the abortion and my due date, I have the worst day. I still think about it every day, but those days are my worst. Well, on March 22, 2004 I found out that I was pregnant again. I told the father (who already has 2 kids) and his exact words to me were, "Honestly, I don't want any more kids". After a couple of days I decided to take that trip to the clinic again. I knew what I was getting into this time. I knew the emotional toll it would have on me. This pregnancy was like deja vu. I got pregnant in the same month, by the same man, found out I was pregnant on the same day, had the abortion in the same month, and I was due on the same day. Deep down I felt like this was a sign from GOD, but still I rejected his blessing. Anyway, this time I was woke the whole time. The medicine they gave me to numb me never kicked in. So I felt everything. It was horrible. I had the nurse put a oxygen mask over my mouth to muffle my screams. I couldn't even walk out. The father had to carry me out. I totally learned my lesson this time. Me and him are no longer talking. The day after the abortion, I told the father about the first abortion. I stopped talking to him shortly after that day because I felt like I left our relationship and friendship in that room with our baby. I should have felt that way after the first time. I just hope GOD will forgive me and once again give me his blessing. I think I'm ready to start healing. I know this is very long, but I had to get it off me chest.
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