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Subject: I think I need help, I cannot bare the guilt anymore Author: Erika [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] Date Posted: 02:46:41 04/15/05 Fri I really don't know how much I can take. I had an abortion one week ago today, the baby was 12 weeks. My boyfriend have been together for nine months and he is everything to me. I feel so detached from the world. I wanted children more than anything now I have no intrest in it once so ever. I feel I don't deserve it. I blame myself because no matter how hard I try I just cannot get a job I am intelligent and all that noone will goive me a go. So not having a job I had no money to take care of it. And now I relise that thats what family is for - support, I was just to big of a cowardto ask. And now Im the mother to a dead baby. When I had the ultrasound, I swear I could hear the heart beating away, I couldnt bear to look but I had a peak, and only though it was only for a split second it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I sat down and the doctor said are you sure about this, and I said yes, Oh how I wish I took an extra second to think, he gave me some tablets to dilate my cervix a bit because the baby was a little bit bigger to perform a regular abortion. And the thing that kills me the most is that I cannot help thinking the baby keeps thinkng what it had done wrong, why didnt mummy want me? I have been having suicidal thoughts, I wont do it because I believe I should live with this, Im a monster, Ive had no sleep and I told my boyfriend Im sorry for killing our baby, he's upset, and says it's not my fault. Of course it is, he wasnt the one who took the pills. Ive become dependant on him, and I am someone who usually enjoys their own company too much, now I cannot bare the thought of being alone, he cant be with me all the time he has to go to work. Am I the worst person in the world? I believe to think so, noone can forgive what I did. And when my day comes to be judged by God, He wont let me in, he'll send me straight down which is half of what I deserve. And I swear I felt the baby move a few days prior to the abortion as if to say dont do this Mum. I want to be with my baby, I want to hold it in my arms and tell it I love you just one more time. Now Im the mother to a dead baby, and I cant live with that. [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

[> Subject: Re: I think I need help, I cannot bare the guilt anymore Author: Kris [Edit] Date Posted: 10:50:28 04/15/05 Fri Dear Erika, I am so sorry for the pain and sorrow you are going through right now. I want to encourage you to seek some support here. I don't know where you live (since you say "Mum" it makes me think in the UK somehwere). If you are in the US, there are centers that offer FREE Post-abortion counseling - you can look up one here: http://www.pregnancycenters.org/locate.html You can also visit this site: http://www.safehavenministries.com/ They offer some counseling as well. What you are feeling is all "normal" for a woman after an abortion. How you deal with it will determine your life path. You are mourning the loss of your child - and you will go through so many emotions. You really need to seek out others who have gone through the same thing and find healing. Please know that God will forgive you - you need only ask Him - pray and read the bible and most of all - son't go through this alone. I will be keeping you in my prayers. Kris

[> [> Subject: Re: I think I need help, I cannot bare the guilt anymore Author: Erika [Edit] Date Posted: 20:33:34 04/27/05 Wed Thanks, I do feel better actually, it is getting a bit easier. I told my Mum, and even though she said the decision was mine she was just so dissapointed I didnt tell her, and she told me she would have loved to have been a young grandmother. That hurts because not only since I didnt tell her, I could have kept the baby. I cannot believe how understanding she was, she thinks I never want to spend time with her and I dont respect her, which is wrong because I do. It was just the wrong time, we were moving house at the time, and we arent on the poverty line or anything, but we do have money problems, and because of me not working I had to borrow the money. It just makes me feel useless. I have asked for forgiveness and in a way I feel like things have been lifted and I can sleep at night. Mum wants me to get councelling, which I think is a fair idea, but being the person I am I am not so sure. I believe my brain has two levels. The top level is what people say, and I might just believe a shred of what they say, yet the bottom level keeps telling me that people are lying eg:it's noyt my fault, where as I will always believe it will be. It sucks because I can never truely believe what people say about me, it's like when people tell me I look nice or the love me I believe it to an extent but never fully. I just want to thank everyone for their support, you cant understand what it has meant to me hugs & kisses for all xxoo

[> Subject: Re: I think I need help, I cannot bare the guilt anymore Author: Elizabeth [Edit] Date Posted: 01:32:14 04/21/05 Thu Dear sister, I have prayed for you since I read your message. Kris gave you very good advice - please listen to her and go where you will find forgiveness. As you have found out, it doesn't help to hear "It's not your fault," "It was for the best," etc. There is no mercy in these platitudes - they only make you feel worse. No, you are certainly not the worst person in the world. You ache for God's forgiveness and you are concerned about the current welfare of your child - do you think the worst person in the world would feel either of these things? You are not even a bad person, much less the worst person in the world. What you've written says that you are a good person, confused and hurting, who has made a bad choice. And you are suffering. God doesn't want you to be tortured and your child doesn't want you to be tortured either. God knows your heart better than you do, but you can't hear him speak to you if you are punishing yourself. This experience is a turning point for you, as Kris already noted. Ask God to use it to bring you closer to him and enable you to receive his mercy - and it will be done. There is no action that is unforgiveable except the one for which forgiveness is not asked. You have shared your story - and already God has used your anguish to speak to the hearts of women and tell them that abortion isn't "nothing," that it hurts women, that it puts up a barrier to God and to peace of mind. Somewhere, sometime, a woman will hear your pain and decide to give a hasty decision a little more time. Perhaps enough time that they can see that they are not without choice, as it appears that they are. Another woman will read your message and see that other women have walked in her shoes and she will not be alone. And another woman will read and remember a similar torment, perhaps from even many years ago, and in reminding you of God's forgiveness and mercy, find yet more of it for herself. You are already a blessing to many. If God can use your tears and cries and your voice to heal and bless, how can you doubt that he will heal and bless you? You have blessed me more than you can imagine. Peace be upon you. I will continue to pray for you. Elizabeth