Author: Ky (In between the happy and sad.)
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Date Posted: 23:46:22 01/18/07 Thu
I was 16 when I had my abortion on the 29th of September, 2006. Beforehand, I had idea that it would be nothing and I would be able to pretend like nothing had happened. I was definitely wrong. I knew that I had been acting different ever since I found out I was pregnant, but I was under the impression that I'd be able to go back to normal after a few weeks when it was done. Well... After it happened, I waited for the moment when I felt the same as I did before anything about the pregnancy had occured. after a few months, I'd stopped going to school, and I'd been getting sick, and every time I thought I was healthy I'd get sick again. When I was talking to the doctors, and they were asking what medicines I'd been taking and when I said I'd taken the abortion pill they said, 'Well... that makes a bit of sense. You're probably getting sick over stress about that, and it's turning your immune system to mush.' When I finally went back to school to talk to the counselors, one told me that I had highly underestimated the power an abortion can have over someone, and I began to understand it a little bit more. While I hadn't been thinking about it, I'd instead been suppressing it instead of dealing with it, and when I finally let it out, it felt like a ton of bricks falling onto my head.
I'll be going to school again next Tuesday. I'm partially afraid that I'll screw up this semester too, but now that I've finally acknowledged that it was a bigger deal than I first told myself, I'm hoping I'll be able to progress a bit.
I feel dumb and stupid for thinking it would be that simple, and I feel like a fool for letting a whole semester of school down the toilet because of my petty thoughts of making something like that seem small. I've been getting sick again this past week, and I just can't seem to be my old cheerful self anymore. I want to be myself again, and I want to be able to smile and have fun. I've turned into a complete recluse over these past few months, and my moods are totally unpredictable.
The bizarre twist is that, even so, I feel like I made the right decision... And I've learned a lot with this experience that I never would have learned otherwise. The only thing I can't understand is why, if I think that, why am I not feeling any better than I did the day when I came home from the clinic? If I've accepted what I did, and I've accepted that I underestimated its power on me, why am I still feeling so low?
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