I think I was sorely mistaken... -- Post Abortion Healing Support

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Subject: I think I was sorely mistaken...

Author:
Ky (In between the happy and sad.)

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Date Posted: 23:46:22 01/18/07 Thu

I was 16 when I had my abortion on the 29th of September, 2006. Beforehand, I had idea that it would be nothing and I would be able to pretend like nothing had happened. I was definitely wrong. I knew that I had been acting different ever since I found out I was pregnant, but I was under the impression that I'd be able to go back to normal after a few weeks when it was done. Well... After it happened, I waited for the moment when I felt the same as I did before anything about the pregnancy had occured. after a few months, I'd stopped going to school, and I'd been getting sick, and every time I thought I was healthy I'd get sick again. When I was talking to the doctors, and they were asking what medicines I'd been taking and when I said I'd taken the abortion pill they said, 'Well... that makes a bit of sense. You're probably getting sick over stress about that, and it's turning your immune system to mush.' When I finally went back to school to talk to the counselors, one told me that I had highly underestimated the power an abortion can have over someone, and I began to understand it a little bit more. While I hadn't been thinking about it, I'd instead been suppressing it instead of dealing with it, and when I finally let it out, it felt like a ton of bricks falling onto my head.

I'll be going to school again next Tuesday. I'm partially afraid that I'll screw up this semester too, but now that I've finally acknowledged that it was a bigger deal than I first told myself, I'm hoping I'll be able to progress a bit.

I feel dumb and stupid for thinking it would be that simple, and I feel like a fool for letting a whole semester of school down the toilet because of my petty thoughts of making something like that seem small. I've been getting sick again this past week, and I just can't seem to be my old cheerful self anymore. I want to be myself again, and I want to be able to smile and have fun. I've turned into a complete recluse over these past few months, and my moods are totally unpredictable.

The bizarre twist is that, even so, I feel like I made the right decision... And I've learned a lot with this experience that I never would have learned otherwise. The only thing I can't understand is why, if I think that, why am I not feeling any better than I did the day when I came home from the clinic? If I've accepted what I did, and I've accepted that I underestimated its power on me, why am I still feeling so low?

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[> Subject: Re: I think I was sorely mistaken...

Author:
Pat
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Date Posted: 16:47:20 01/21/07 Sun

Ky,

I am glad you came.

For the time being, you will probably have to discipline yourself to pay attention to your studies. Working through an abortion experience takes awhile.

If abortion was the right choice for you, why are you hurting so much? It sounds to me like your mind is at war with your heart. I don't know how much you know about pregnancy and abortion, and it would be helpful if I did.

Abortion is a deep invasion of a woman's body. She has already bonded to her baby. It is a hormonal bond. That happens in the first couple of days. But we are unaware of it for quite awhile. It goes against our instincts to have an abortion. The fact is, you can't go back to the way things were. You will always have been pregnant. But you can heal emotionally. The first thing you would have to do is to reconcile your mind and heart. You may have had a lot of logical reasons for having an abortion, but your heart is telling you otherwise. Chances are, your logical reasons would have been resolved in another way if you had had access to alternatives as well as sufficient information about the emotional aftermath of abortion. But a woman needs to make a decision she can live with. Your path to healing won't start until you bring your mind and heart together in agreement. If your heart tells you that you didn't make the right decision, it is most likely correct. You obviously still think that it was logical to have an abortion. But like I said, that isn't the only consideration.

Most likely, you went into this with insufficient information. Try to tell yourself that you acted with the knowledge you had, which doesn't make you stupid. People may have lied to you about pregnancy and abortion, and you may have been coerced. In spite of this, you will ultimately have to take responsibility for your decisions. This doesn't mean you should blame yourself for the lies and the coercion. It does mean that you acknowledge that you did make a decision that has had unexpected consequences.

Another thing that may be contributing to your feeling of being sick frequently may be the fact that your hormones have been disrupted twice. I don't know a good way around this consequence, or I would certainly tell you.

One other consideration is important. How do you feel about the actions that led up to pregnancy? Did you violate your own inner standards? If you did, this will also have to be resolved. I would recommend that you stay out of the situation that led to your pregnancy, to concentrate on school. This will also require some thought and sorting out on your part. It may not be obvious to you that you did violate your own standards. Think about which of you first approached the other for these activities, and how you felt about it at the time. Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, there are emotional consequences from these activities as well as the dangers of picking up an STD. If you think there is any possibility you did, please have a doctor check you out. It could also be contributing to your repeated illness.

We will be here for you. Please keep in touch. We care about you.

Hugs,
Pat