| Subject: Gimli and duck strike back |
Author:
Gimli
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Date Posted: 17:33:14 02/18/03 Tue
What was Gimli to do!!!
The most shocking revalation of the century had occured. His entire life had just changed. His mother was Jan...his father was Saruman....Gloin must have been an actor for hire, who was just pretending to be a blood-relative of his. Gimli wept openly, into the ice machine he was stuffed into. He lifted his hand to his face, in an attempt to wipe away his tears...but realised that his hand had been cut off, and found himself just smearing the crimson blood of a dwarf deep into his eyes.
Jan: Join us Son. We will be a family...I as your mother, Saruman here as your father. And also, your brother will join us too.
Gimli: Who is my brother?
Ron Weasley walked in.
Gimli: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Ron: Hi Gimli! Wanna go play some table-tennis, I have a table at home...you are welcome to share it!
Gimli: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Saruman: We know it will take time to adjust Gimli, but as a sign of our love...we want to let you have your hand back.
Saruman then used magic to make Gimli's hand fly back on.
Gimli: Er, Thanks.
Jan: Now will you join us Gimli?
Gimli: Well (pause) I have made my decision
Jan: And....
Gimli: NOT IN A MILLION YEARS YOU CRAZY BITCH!!!!
Gimli ignited his lightsabre, and with a swift stroke had removed Jan's head from her body. The swiftness of Gimli's attack had caused no blood to be spilled, and Jan's head just bounced away off along the floor. Saruman and Ron both screamed in anger, but Jan wasn't dead. Her head sprouted mini-legs (Woah...just like the Faculty) and ran back towards the ice-machine.
Gimli: Is she invincible or what!
Saruman: When are you going to learn that true evil can never be destroyed!
Jan: Thats right...MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAA!
Jan's decapitated head flew towards Gimli and landed in his beard, disappearing amongst the gingery mess of hair
Gimli: Ouch, jesus...ARRRRRG, get out of there!
As Gimli struggled to remove Jan's head from his beard, a loud sound resounded through Waitrose. Jan jumped out briefly, and got a chance to look her killer in the face for a second before they blew her into oblivion.
Mr.Sarrell the Duck stood on the meat counter, wearing a bullet proof vest, an army-helmet and carrying a hand grenade.
Gimli: SARRELL DUCK! You're alive. Thank God....help!!!!!
The Duck quacked in appreciation, and pulled the pin out of the grenade, then threw it.
Gimli slammed the door of the ice-machine closed, and hid at the back under a mountain of icecubes. He heard the bang outside, followed by a loud quack of victory.
Gimli slowly opened the door and peaked out. The Fish counter was a burnt up wreck. The head of Jan and Ron Weasley's body laid nearby, both clearly dead....but where was Saruman???
Gimli: Good work Will. Where is Saruman?
Duck: I don't know Gimli
Gimli: HEY! You can speak!!!!
Duck: Yes...its a skill I have perfected in the last few weeks. Saruman is hiding somewhere in the shop. The only way to destroy him for good though is to destroy Waitrose once more.
Gimli: But how do we destroy Waitrose, duck?
Duck: With a bomb
The duck pulled open his body armour and quacked, revealing that he was strapped to a large amount of explosives.
Duck: I will blow up Waitrose from inside. You have 10 seconds to escape.
Gimli: But what about you???
Duck: I will die, then evidently return at a later point in this fan-fiction in some tacky way!
Gimli: Okay...Its been nice knowing you Mr.Sarrell the duck. Thanks for killing yourself!
Duck: Always a pleasure.
Gimli ran outside and hid behind a bin, as Mr.Sarrell exploded, sending Waitrose crashing to the ground and instantly killing Saruman and also the poor duck, who had quacked his last.
Gimli picked himself up and dusted his clothes off. It had been a strange day, but the young dwarf had got the job done. As he walked out of the car-park, Mr.Sarrell the ducks charred body landed at his feet. Gimli picked up the body, and put it into his pocket, then started planning what he would have for dinner.
Duck was high on the menu.
TO BE CONTINUED...
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