| Subject: Gimli becomes 18 rated |
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Gimli
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Date Posted: 17:24:49 02/20/03 Thu
Rain was beating down on Gimli's head. He was indoors now but his roof had a leak. He held the remote control in his hands, flipping throuth the channels rapidly. "I've gotta find The Late Late Show," he said to himself. "Yeah, I know," his schizophrenic otherhalf replied. "I heard that Legolas is one of the guests." "Really?" he asked himself. Gimli was still slightly out of breath and tired after a run to his house. He was surprised he survived. He had tripped four times over roots while dancing to the music in his head. And every time he realized that they weren't really roots, and he was just tripping over the bottom of his chain-mail which still had not been trimmed.
Gimli looked around the room. The furniture was ripped, stained, and faded, the roof was cracked in various places, the dishes in the kitchen were stacked to the ceiling, the tiles on the floor were misplaced, the walls needed a new paint job, and the plummming... God, there was no plumming. The land-lord took it away after Gimli missed two months of paying rent. He hated his house anyway. He thought about his fake father, Gloin, and his dying words: "I hate this fucking place!" Gimli had really been a slob after Galadriel left him for that damn Celeborn guy.
Gimli snickered. "If only her husband knew about my affair with her." It'd been going on -and off- for about two months. She'd broken it off three times because of Gimli's refusal to shave. His beard just kept growing, but she kept coming back...Gimli considered it his natural charm.
Gimli stopped on the ITV channel when an old King Kong movie caught his eye. He heard Mr.Sarrell the duck and Yoda talking in the other room. Gimli had taken the duck inside to try and nurse him back to health, but his condition was getting worse, though. He needed a doctor...one who can get rid of 90% full body burns. And Gimli need to control his beard. Suddenly, Master Yoda jumped over the couch and landed next to Gimli. Gimli jumped three feet and screamed like a little girl. Yoda shook his head. "Control, you must learn control." "Shut up," Gimli said. Then he realized that Yoda wasn't really there. Had it been a dream?
Maybe it was the alcohol, or the coffee. It didn't really matter. Gimli heard Sarrell duck ask about what he was watching on TV. "What they got in there? King Kong?" Gimli changed the channel to 4. It was Friends. "Oooohh," Gimli said, and started to watch. He had to leave briefly to find his whisky, but his eyes fell on something else. Something hideous. Something familiar. It bobbed its head lightly like a bird and snarled at Gimli.
It looked harmless, but the dwarf knew better. He stared in shock at the malignant creature. And it stared right back at him. It was a child. A messy haired, stinky, acne faced child. And snot was pouring down its putrid face. The monster squirmed and contorted its face. Then a loud sound roared out and Gimli could tell he would need to call in the carpet cleaners. Urine streamed down the child's legs and onto the floor. Gimli knew what came next. He screamed in terror and started to run, headed for the back door. But he wasn't fast enough. He felt a searing pain in his back and fell to the ground. He heard the sound of his own bones crunching. The creature turned Gimli over and grabbed his beard with its tiny fangs. With one swift stroke it ripped Gimli's beard off. Gimli hollered hysterically in agony as blood and gingery hair sprayed all over the room. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!" Gimli sat up on the couch, sweat pouring down his body. He looked all around him. No sign of the kid. It must have been a dream. "What a nightmare." Yoda came into the room and sat next to him on the sofa. "Bad dream, honey?" "Terrible. I dreamed that I got lost in our back yard and that my beard got ripped off and....it was terrible Yoda my friend." Yoda looked around the room. "Gimli, you really need to fix this place up or I'll stop being your friend "Okay, okay," he said. "I'll call a cleaner in tommorrow.' Yoda glared at him. "I'll call today," he said. Yoda handed him the phone. "You'll call now." He gave Gimli a cheesy smile. "I'll call now." "But before I do, how's Mr.Sarrell the duck?" Gimli asked, pretending to be worried. "I gave him some morphine. He'll be alright." Suddenly, the TV turned off. "Dammit," Yoda said. "The powers out again." "Phones are out, too Jurassic Park style.
Yoda sighed and put his fucking hands on his fucking head. Gimli put his hands on Yoda's lightsabre. "I can't get our computer back online without Mr.Sarrell the ducks help." "WHAT?!? I thought you said you paid the phone company three years ago?!" "Well, I haven't had a job in three years, you idiot! I'm out of the job!" "Don't you mean extinct," replied Mr.Sarrell the duck. Gimli and Yoda turned around to see the duck walk into the living room and fall into a reclining chair. He was naked, and all burnt up and crispy from where Waitrose got fried.
It had finally stopped raining and the TV came back on. Mr.Sarrell the duck looked outside. He saw a little boy next door poking a dead rabbit with a stick. But the rabbit wasn't dead, and bit the kids head off.
They all laughed for a moment, then Gimli looked at the duck quizzicaly... "Hey...weren't you dead?" Sun beams shined through the windows and the cracks in the ceiling. "Dammit," Gimli said. "It's morning. I missed the Late Show and The Late Late Show and The Really Late Show and The Even Later Show and The Extremely Late show and The So Late That It's Early Show." "That's okay," the duck said. "There's still RI:SE on channel 4." "NEVER SAY THE NAME OF THAT RUBBISHY PROGRAMME IN THIS HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!" Yoda cringed. "You are a godamn stupid bloody duck, who used to be a lacklustre and inferior headmaster at a comprehensive school, nobody gives a flying fuck about your opinion Mr.fucking duck!" Gimli and Mr.Sarrell stared at Yoda with blank expressions. There was a long fuckin' scientific silence.
Finally, Yoda broke the silence. "I'm gonna go make some fuckin' coffee." Gimli got the broom and swept up the broken pieces of silence. "I hate it when he does that. He's been so destructive lately. "I call it the rape of the natural world," Mr.Duck said plainly. "Whatever." Gimli switched the channel on the TV with the remote. RI:SE was on, and Legolas was being interviewed by Barry Norman. "What in the hell??? Hey, Gimli, you were wrong. Legolas was getting interviewed on RI:SE, not The Late Late Show or The Even Later Show or The-" "SHUT UP, DUCK!!!!! Let me watch this!"
Mr.Sarrell the duck was naked, so he, decided on this occasion to keep his dignity and remain completely silent, despite the fact that RI:SE sucked.
Yoda came back in with a tray holding 3 cups of coffee. He handed one to Gimli, who sat drooling over the television. "You sick son of a bitch!" Yoda screamed, as Gimli continued to watch Legolas interview. "I thought you were married to Galadriel and stuff, didn't know you were a Legolas lover!!!" Mr.Duck sat quietly, observing their actions from his sofa, and licking his burn wounds. "Wish I'd never set off that fucking explosion in Waitrose", he thought to himself.
Yoda exited the room again angrily, to fetch some sugar and milk, leaving Gimli and Duck together. They started playing basketball and bonding, when an idea came to Gimli. "We need to stop Yoda from using all these damn swear words, he was supposed to be dead anyway!" Mr.Sarrell the duck concurred, and in revenge they both removed their trousers and urinated in the 3 mugs of coffee. Gimli then proceeded to mix it all in so it looked normal, and they sat down again.
Yoda came back in with the milk, but was pissed off when nobody wanted any. "You can have ours Yoda, we already drank like 50 cups today." "Fifty-fucking cups, that is a helluva lot" Yoda replied.
Yoda drank all three cups of fucking coffee.
TO BE CONTINUED
But in normal way, with less swearing and weirdness :)
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