| Subject: Re: No Apology Necessary |
Author:
JP
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Date Posted: 16:39:09 07/14/02 Sun
In reply to:
Gill
's message, "Apologies" on 16:52:45 07/04/02 Thu
Hi Gil,
An apology is unnecessary but totally accepted. Whatever got you riled up made my little story totally worth while. My past pathology was one of absolute psychotic dissociation, inside and outside, and then mysteriously and gracefully being dropped back into the body with awareness, consciousness, non-separation. First there were mountains, then there weren't mountains, now there are mountains. I have no idea what, why or how any of this happened. Nor what it means. It's just the way it showed up in me, as me. Absolutely nothing special about it.
What I feel in my case, is that in unconditionally allowing and embracing everything, including the body, i.e., to allow the body to be totally "as is" (which is not to be confused with acquiesence), without arguing against it in any way, shape or form, i.e.the happiness, pain, shit, heartbreak, et al, of this bodily human condition - works somehow. What do I mean by "works"? I mean that the next whatever keeps bumping along in the big roundup in the sky. It plays hide-and-seek with itself all day long, like clouds and sun. Sometimes there are internal (and external) floods, fires and tornadoes. I get chopped up and feel like my skin has been peeled off like in Silence of the Lambs. It fucking hurts. And I couldn't begin to tell you what it means. It's plumbing the deep pits of the absurd, the unknowable, ad infinitum. It's so absurd it makes me laugh my ass off, and cry until there are no more tears. It's unpredictable simplicity. It's indestructible innocence.
The "shit" of life constantly passes through a shattered, broken hole in my body-heart. I feel it so deeply that it constantly knocks me to my knees. But who I am in the core honesty of ALL of my being is never totally overshadowed by any particular dimension or event, high or low. Never. It is a total feeling-love-trust of the sacred nobility of the body and all of material existence that flows in non-separation. And simultaneously there is zero absolutizing or undue privileging of the transcendental dimension. And on the other hand, there is also no absolutizing or undue privileging of material existence, or the body either. Both aspects of one reality are fully present, here, now, as is. The sacred nobility of both, in full embrace I see as Onlyness, is all of who and what I am. And yet I know nothing. Absolutely nothing.
It's when I feel-step into the limited dimensionality of "I" that desires to "own" cling, grasp, or hold onto a dimension or a collection of dimensions, to the exclusion of the other dimensions (disassociating in other words, whether in absolute terms or relative terms), which gives a hyper-reality to any specific piece of it, large or small, that breaks the simultaniety. Result? Suffering based on disassociation from what is which is all-inclusive. Non-mutuality in other words. God, this word business is sooo fucking hard, so limiting! Language is a virus from outerspace.
So what's present? Human bodily pain, my pain, in all of its glorious, blissful happiness-subtleness, and screaming, bloody horribleness. HELL YES IT HURTS! - AND there is THAT which is NEVER touched by it. Questions arise: what dimension (or dimensions) are we standing in, if any, right now? Is there a way to show up as a suchness, and as a human body, that doesn't re-configure anything or manipulate anything in any way whatsoever, i.e., to either disassociate into nirvana, or to absolutize the merits of samsaric suffering? As Saniel adroitly points to: "it's an ABSOLUTE fusion of the temporal and the eternal - whatever that could possibly mean, or be."
Is there a "holding" of you where you are? Yes and no. Yes, from the dimension of non-separation and Onlyness which I AM, and if you were in proximity, a physical holding - AND - No, from the limited dimension that your body is perceived as "there", feeling a need to be held by another body, while mine (or someone else's) is not there to be with you. Where I was speaking from in the initial reverse parastalsis that I spewed out, was non-separation and a wishful projection of my physical body to be with yours. There is the heart-ache (now that I feel where you're coming from), in not being able to bodily hold you where you feel you need to be held. In either case, I simply can't argue with what is, and what is not. It's hopeless.
Truly, I don't know diddly squat about what's in store from one moment to the next. Who I am, and where I'm coming from in the midst of this being-thought-feeling-body traffic is a mystery. What rough beast, it's hour come round at last, slouches toward the next whatever to be born? We have two eyes to see two (or more) sides of things. And isn't there a "third eye" that sees everything arising conceptually and non-conceptually at the same time; that allows for the mysterious whatever, the Onlyness? Uh huh.
As Woody Allen once said, "How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?
Man's worst enemies can't wish on him what he can think up himself.
All Love, JP
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