Re: Bonjour -- the sanctuary

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Date Posted: 18:33:27 07/17/04 Sat
Author: Doyle
Author Host/IP: wopr-p-144-134-181-27.prem.tmns.net.au / 144.134.181.27
Subject: Re: Bonjour
In reply to: La Berry 's message, "Bonjour" on 01:02:28 01/13/04 Tue

(The season begins in a dark alley where a stray blonde runs smack into a vampire)
Blonde:*screams in a B-flick, almost-hilariously unconvincing sort of way*
Angel:*hears the cry of terror and darts to her rescue*
Obvious CGI Angel:*leaps from rooftop to rooftop*
DB's stunt double:(taking over)*does a city-block-long, Tarzan-series-promoting swing*
Angel:(taking over)*stakes vamp*
Blonde:"Who are you?"
Angel:"I'm Batman."
(Angel's dramatic exit is blocked by a bunch of lawyers that show up and a commando team that wants to do Angel's dirty work for him. The A-Team are settling into Wolfram&Hart and wondering if they're selling out completely and what W&H's ulterior motives are)
Wesley:*broods and makes wisecracks*
Audience:"He's turning into Angel!"
Fred:*hangs out with her assistant, Knox aka "that guy who was on Buffy last year"*
Lorne:"I just love the W&H showbiz connections! Moral what? Ethical who?"
Gunn:"I have hair now."
Fred:"But no soul patch. What, can't you grow hair in two places at once?"
Gunn:"No. When I shaved, it pushed up and out the top of my head."
Angel:"What's with the leggy desk accessory?"
Eve:"I'm Eve-il. I'll be your liason to the firm."
Wesley:"I like her. She's direct. Tells it how it is. Confident."
Gunn:"She's the devil in Prada."
Angel:"And kind of snotty."
Eve:"You've inherited the law firm's evil clients. Understand that you're going to have to pick up where the previous legal team left off."
Angel:"Well that blows, we have a conscience."
Wesley:*hires Harmony as Angel's new secretary*
Harmony:*is as dumb and pathetic as ever*
Angel:"Aww, I want a male secretary called Mr Funny Penny instead!"
Lorne:*scans all the employees of the firm for a W&H candidate for the next American idol*
Angel:*deals with insurbordinate Special Ops*
Gunn:"I got a mental boost, gaining a detailed and extensive law school education in, oh, about an hour."
Eve:"Yay team!"
Angel:"There's no 'ugly' in team."
(Angel idly picks up an envelope that was delivered to him earlier in the day. When he opens it, out pops the amulet he gave to Buffy last season...and Spike)
Spike:"Oh bloody hell, I'm alive again." *mocks whatever everyone says*
Fred:"Actually, you're a ghost. But not exactly a ghost, because you don't have the ectoplasmicbrainwavecoldspotwhatever readings."
Spike:*is unable to do anything useful, except stand around and be sarcastic* "I think I'll make the best of this situation by driving Angel crazy."
(Spike hatches a plan to beat a badguy by pretending to double-cross Angel)
Spike:(to Angel)"Goodnight, sweet ponce."
(From this point on, Spike and Angel do an undead buddy cop routine. They have many Spangel moments)
Fred:"Gunn, we're all suspicious of your Big Book of Law Encylopedia Britannica Brain."
(Books of law shoot out Gunn's hands and hit Fred in the head)
Angel:*stabs a werewolf with Wesley's new silver engraved pen*"Oh shit! Maybe that was Oz."
(The girl Angel rescued is named Nina Ash. Angel and Wesley tranq her when she wolfs out. The next morning she wakes up in a cage at W&H and freaks out)
Angel:"You're safe here."
Nina:"Said the psycho rapist!"
Angel:"You wish."
Spike:*pops in and out, making snide comments, the usual*
(WolfNina is kidnapped and some morbidly-tasted guy who owns a restaurant likes to serve "exotic" meals, made from, say, werewolf meat. Angel rescues her and conveniently brings along the mole, who gave Nina up, to take her place on the menu)
Fred:*helps Spike get his groove back*
Spike:*sees mutilated ghosts*
Mutilated Ghost:*sings the jolly tune of how the Reaper's going to get Spike*
(Most of the gang are nonchalant about Spike being destined for hell)
Gunn:"He likes to surprise me in the bathroom."
Fred:"Gunn, you're a lot more chummier with the cat-conduit than Angel, go with him to get a piece of it so that I can make the recorporealizer that I built work."
(Gunn and Angel return with a one-time donation from the panther Gunn met in the White Room last season - what exactly did they get from the panther? No one knows)
Spike:*pushes the Reaper into the corporeal-making thingamajig so that they can lock him up*
Angel:(to Reaper)"Welcome to hell...I should know."
(Something boring happens involving Mexican wrestling midgets. Wesley's father shows up)
Daddy Dearest:"Roger Wyndham-Pryce is my name, making Wesley feel like dirt is my game."
Angel:"Hey, you're up to no good, Mr Wyndham-Pryce. You're removing my free will with that BIG staff of yours."
Roger:"You're a puppet...or, well, you will be."
Wesley:"Give Angel back his will. Don't make me shoot you."
Roger:"You're such a disappointment to me. Your mother and I were horrified to discover that you'd turned out incredibly gay."
Wesley:"I'm not gay, I'm British."
Fred:*runs into Roger's arms* "I'm a hostage!"
Wesley:*rolls his eyes and fires his gun many times*
Roger:*dies*
Wesley:"This is a pretty devastating moment." *throws up*
Fred:"So...are you saying that you're sorry you killed your Robofather to save me?"
Wesley:"What?"
Fred:"Daddybot was just disguised by a highly effective glamour."
Wesley:"Oh." *throws up*
(Thanks to a mysterious box that has been mailed to Spike, he suddenly becomes corporeal again, and employees at W&H start attacking each other)
Gunn:(to Eve)"Up yours, bitchface!"
(The White Room - big kitty and all - turns into a howling abyss of nothingness. And it's all because of the newly touchy-feely Spike. Now that there's two solid, ensouled vampires, the whole Shanshu prophecy has been thrown out of whack)
Spike:*beats the crap outta Angel and drinks from the Cup of Perpetual Torment which is actually Mountain Dew*
Angel:"No! It's MY destiny to drink the Mountain Dew! Mine!"
Eve:*is in cahoots - and bed - with Lindsey McDonald who is covered in tattoos*
Lindsey:*approaches Spike* "Call me Doyle. I have visions of people in trouble."
Audience:""Doyle" sounds like Lindsey. He looks like Lindsey. The way he styles his hair is a LOT like the way Lindsey does. So by all logical reasoning he *must* be Lindsey, right? Still..." *squints* "Was that a pink shirt he was wearing?"
Lindsey:"Spike, it's your destiny to go out and help the helpless - not Angel's."
Spike:*starts digging this idea very quickly*
(Meanwhile, Angel's having weird, disturbing dreams)
Angel:*dreams that after centuries of smouldering glances and playful sparring, he and Spike's homoerotic urges get the better of them and they consumate their love on Harmony's desk*
(Back in reality)
Spike:*uses Angel's old stakes-up-the-coat-sleeves maneuvre to dust some vamps, then scolds the damsel who was previously in distress for being so hapless*
Lindsey:*furnishes an apartment for Spike*
Eve:*puts slimy critters on Angel's stomach that give him the trippy fever dreams*
Angel:*dreams of his friends telling him how empty, irrelevant, and generally worthless he is*
Everyone:*oohs and ahhs as a blue fairy floats towards Spike and waves her magic wand over his head, sprinkling him with glittery gold fairy dust*
Angel:*watches with confused disappointment* "Is everyone on absinthe? No, because then they'd have seen a green fairy."
(Angel looks down at his outfit which has changed from suave CEO styles to short-sleeved button-up geek chiq - even his tie is too short. With his shoulders slumped, dejected, reduced-to-mailboy Angel leaves. Back in reality)
Spike:*rescues Angel from his icky attacker*
(Angel remembers that Eve appeared to him in one of his nightmares and put the slimy demons on his chest, but claimed she was just another hallucination)
Angel:"This was all your doing!"
Eve:"Uh...look over at your group." *runs off*
(A psycho slayer - activated by Willow's spell at the end of BTVS Season 7 - thinks Spike tortured her as a child and is out for revenge. Andrew the dork shows up and annoys everyone)
Psycho Slayer:*cuts off Spike's hands*
Andrew:(to Angel)"Nobody trusts you anymore. Not even Buffy. She's too busy off with a cgi dog to guest star."
Angel:"I quit."
Everyone:"Uh-huh."
Angel:"No. I'm ready to quit for real this time. I mean it. Seriously."
Cordelia:*wakes up from coma*
Angel:*gets a phonecall from the hospital and goes to pick her up* "Cordy, you're alive! And solid! But wait, who's that body behind the curtain?"
Cordelia:*pulls privacy curtain around patient's bed* "Forget her."
Everybody:*gawks at Cordelia who's shirt is exposing a little too much*
Cordelia:*kicks Angel in the ass* "It's time to stop brooding and start doing. I had a vision of a tattooed man who's plotting to kill you."
(Cordelia and Wesley research "old school" - which he promises never to say again - and learn that the tattoos conceal the person from higher powers, and in modern translation: video surveillance)
Spike:*plays Donkey Kong and mistakenly attacks Cordelia for making fun of his hair* "Doyle told me she was evil."
Angel and Cordelia:*look at each other*
(Eve discreetly tries to leave but Cordelia grabs her by the ear. It's the Battle of the Babes. Breasts vs Legs)
Eve:*tries to fasten at least one of the buttons on Cordy's shirt* "Let's try to keep the balloons under the big top."
Harmony:*volunteers to have a little torture session with Eve*
("Doyle" is soon revealed to be Lindsey. Angel And Cordy go to confront him)
Cordelia:*grabs samurai sword from Angel's mantle* "I've got some Kill Bill action I've just been itching to try out."
Lindsey:"I don't get it. How could my elaborate plan have turned to shit so easily?"
Angel:"Well, using the name "Doyle" wasn't very bright for a start. Tell me, why did you go to all this trouble just to torment me?"
Lindsey:"Don't you remember that 'cops suck' sign you put on the back of my truck three years ago?"
Angel:*chuckles* "Oh, yeah. 'Twas good times."
Lindsey:*turns his knife into a sword*
Angel:"I see you've picked up supernatural powers during your wanderings."
Cordelia:*throws Angel her sword*
Angel and Lindsey:*act out their favourite moves from LOTR: Return of the King*
Lindsey:"You're a big wussy sell-out!"
Angel:"Well you're a tiny Texan!"
Lindsey:*runs Angel through with his sword and laughs* "Hahalolhoohee."
Angel:*purposely rips Lindsey's shirt off, exposing his chest* "Whoops!"
Wesley:*is instigating a spell that will remove Lindsey's tattoos*
Fred:*is thinking about how sexy Wes is when he chants mystical spells*
Cordelia:*turns off monstrous fail-safe mechanism that Lindsey triggered to destroy Angel once and for all*
(Cue the heroic 'risen from the ashes of self doubt' orchestral theme)
Angel:"Thankyou, orchestral theme!" *pulls sword from abdomen and turns the tables on Lindsey by beating the snot out of him*
(Wesley's spell kicks in just in time)
Senior Partners:(to Lindsey)"I see you!"
Lindsey:*is sucked up into a vortex for the ultimate disciplanary hearing with the ex-bosses*
Angel:*sends Eve packing*
Corelia:(to Eve) "So long, bitchface!"
Angel:(to Cordy)"Thanks for getting me back on the right path."
Cordelia:"You're welcome, but I'm not really here. I never actually woke up. Bye!"
Angel:*sniff* "But...but then who called me of the news of your revival?"
The PTB:"We can pick up a telephone you know."
(In other news, a vampire from Angel's past comes looking for revenge. And a reason. Gunn is having trouble remembering his lawyer stuff. Children are hospitalized after watching a TV show called 'Smile Time', which features singing and dancing puppets. Werewolf chick shows up again)
Angel:"You were supposed to come to us last month. You didn't eat people did you?"
Nina:*wipes blood from mouth* "No."
Angel:*goes to investigate 'Smile Time' and gets zapped by a big smiley-faced orb*
(Angel returns to his office, looking like a cross between The Count and Bert)
PuppetAngel:"Vun. Two. Three! Three broodings! Mahahaha!"
Spike:*appears for a brief cameo only to lose a fight with the pissed-off Angel muppet*
Nina:*has got a major jones for Angel*
PuppetAngel:*is torn up by WolfNina - during one of her bouts of full moon madness - and is holding onto his own stuffing, while looking for a good seamstress*
(Gunn, who's been losing his legal knowledge gets a re-upgrade in return for helping the brain doctor smuggle a rare artifact into the country)
Gunn:(to the others)"The puppets are demons who've been harvesting children's innocence to sell on the street in their hell dimension."
PuppetAngel:"Of course those unnaturally cheerful kids' shows are insidious attempts to drain the life force of children. I mean, come on. Have you *seen* the Teletubbies?"
(Angel and Gunn beat the stuffing out of the puppets. Fred and Wesley disable the big orb thing and save the kids. Fred's been dropping not-so-subtle hints to Wesley that she's finally interested in him, but he hasn't been paying attention)
Fred:(to Wesley)"Wanna have a foursome with me, Knox, and Gunn?"
Wesley:"No, not really."
(Instead, Wes and Fred finally get together which means their doom is set. Sure enough, a very old mysterious-looking sarcophagus is delivered to the W&H science lab)
Fred:"I think I'll touch it!" *does so*
(A small hole opens up and spews evil mummy dust in her face. Before long, she's in a hospital bed, being eaten away by some demonic parasite. "Fred's Strappingly Handsome Men" make their marching debut down the halls of W&H in two synchronized rows that would make any field marshall proud)
Spangel and Lorne:*find Eve, who's in Lindsey's apartment, hoping the symbols on the walls will keep her safe from the Senior Partners*
Lorne:*decks her* "Sing, bitch!"
(She reads squeaky clean, though her future's not too bright. She tells them to look for information on the Deeper Well. An order is issued at W&H that the entire firm stop what they're doing and direct ALL their resources towards saving Fred. Those who don't comply are sent to Wesley's office to get shot in the leg)
Wesley:*discovers the Well is in England and that it's a burial ground for the Old Ones* "The one in Fred is called Illyria and it's escaped its prison to manifest in a new body."
Spangel:*hop on a private jet to the mother country*
Gunn:*goes to the White Room to get the shit kicked out of him by...himself*
DoppleGunn:"I own your ass."
Gunn:*limps back to the lab and interrupts Knox doing...something*
Knox:"Oh praise Illyria, my almighty goddess! I worship thee..."
Gunn:"What?"
Knox:"Yes, exactly. Hey! Here's something that'll make you laugh: YOU'RE the one who signed the order to get the sarcophagus released from customs in exchange for another brain boost."
Gunn:*smashes Knox's face*
Audience:"Yay!"
(Spangel discover that there is a simple action that will restore Illyria to her resting place. The catch is it will infect everyone between Hell-A and the Well, as it tries to hold on for as long as possible and all those people will die. Angel is having one of his "screw it" periods)
Fred:*is on death's door*
Wesley:"Silly me, thinking we could be happy together for more than 5 minutes."
Fred:*dies, then convulses and sends Wesley flying across the room*
(She stands up, sort of blue-ish all over)
Illyria:*gets all pissy at Wes* "I want to find my temple and raise my supernatural army o' doom to take over the world."
Wesley:"You demons are real subtle that way." *shatters an axe on her indestructible form*
(Illyria knocks Wes into a wall and rescues Knox from Gunn's clutches. She also picks up some red leather fetishwear)
Illyria:(to Knox)"You can help me find my temple."
Knox:"It's out of phase with this space time continuum or something but I can help you open it."
Gunn:*visits brain doctor*
Brain Doctor:(talking to himself)"Oooh, how I love cutting people open." *turns around* "Oh, hello Mr Gunn. What can I do ya for?"
Gunn:"Bring Fred back!"
Brain Doctor:"There's absolutely positively NO WAY of bringing Fred back in ANY form EVER."
(They also discuss Gunn's part to play in Illyria's resurrection, and wouldn't you know it, Wesley overhears. Wes gets his scary ruthless streak over with, although he puts Gunn in the hospital and Knox in the morgue before he's done)
Wesley:*follows Illyria into the portal*
(Illyria is set to get back into the groove but her holy place is in ruins, completely abandoned and useless)
Wesley:"There will be no demon army raising today."
Illyria:*disappears through portal again and later shows up at the W&H lab*
Wesley:*is packing away Fred's things*
Illyria:"I'm having difficulty finding my place in this world which I once ruled. I have no idea how to fit in with this new reality. Please help me, Wesley."
Wesley:*agrees to play Henry Higgins in 'My Fair Demon' only because she looks like Fred*
Angel:*is utterly fed up with being played by the Senior Partners* "It doesn't get any sadder than this."
Spike:*is the only other one to turn up to the "important meeting"* "I brought a briefcase...and beer!"
Angel:"I'll go find Lindsey. He probably knows more about the Senior Partners than anyone."
Eve:*gives Angel instructions on where to look, in return for being kept safe from some big dude who's sort of a cross between Agent Smith and The Terminator*
(Casting off his suits and donning a cleanly-shaved head, his old street smarts and jeans, Gunn-of-old leads Spangel down into the rabbit hole and through W&H Wonderland to save Lindsey from a purgatorial "holding dimension". It's a horrible place, with drab, identical houses crammed up against each other and guys who walk outside each morning to get their papers at exactly the same time as orchestral music plays)
Spike:"It's the suburbs."
Angel and Gunn:"AIEEEEEE!!!"
(Like all suburbanites, Lindsey has been completely brainwashed into thinking he's happy in this hell-de-sac. At least he has the excuse of being under the spell of a mystical amulet)
Angel:*destroys amulet*
Lindsey:*remembers everything* "This is not my beautiful house. This is not my beautiful wife."
(Breaking the binding spell transforms the quaint cosy American dream into a standard summer action flick. The guys flee to the basement - after being shot at by Lindsey's fake wife and son - and it turns out that Lindsey's been getting his heart cut out on a daily basis by a big chainy torture demon. Gunn saves the day by taking Lindsey's place)
Impeccably-Dressed Big Dude:*punches a hole through W&H security and gets Eve to sign a contract which turns over her gig as liason as well as her immortality*
Angel:*returns from suburbia and notices the big dude, as most people do* "Oh no, not another reject from 'Firefly'."
Impeccably-Dressed Big Dude:"Please allow me to introduce myself, I'm Adam Baldwin but you can call me Hamilton."
Angel:"Aren't you one of the cheaper Baldwins? I guess we couldn't afford Alec Baldwin, especially not on our budget this season."
(Where has Wesley been all this time you ask? Sitting in the dark, drinking heavily and calling Illyria a smurf)

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