Re: Best. Answer. Ever. -- the sanctuary

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Date Posted: 23:31:33 07/17/04 Sat
Author: Doyle
Author Host/IP: ESS-p-144-138-109-96.mega.tmns.net.au / 144.138.109.96
Subject: Re: Best. Answer. Ever.
In reply to: Berry 's message, "Best. Answer. Ever." on 00:59:50 01/13/04 Tue

Illyria:*is posturing and putting petri dishes in her mouth*
Wesley:*looks due to walk in front of a bus anytime soon*
Angel:*slaps some sense into the zombie-like Wesley and pulls him back into action*
Wesley:*has found a nice daycare for Illyria, in the form of Spike's "testing" sessions*
Spike:*is finally making himself useful as the company's punching bad for Leery* "I've always had a thing for unstable, demonically-enhanced women who can beat the crap out of me."
Illyria:*communicates with plants and would like to keep Spike as a pet*
Gunn:*is not getting out of suburbia anytime soon*
Connor:*shows up at W&H, healthy an happy and sane*
Audience:"Oh no, the girl has returned!"
Angel:"Wtf are *you* doing here?"
Connor:"My parents brought me here because a speeding van tried to kill me."
Angel:"I'm amazed no one's tried sooner."
(Learning that he has superhuman abilities - which include the ability to pummel demons - doesn't seem to faze Connor much)
Warlock:(to Angel)"It was I who had your son hit by that van. He oesn't know who he really is due to the fact that I altered his memories. If you want it to stay that way, you will convince him to kill Sahjhan for me. Remember him, from Season 3? I have him trapped in a jar. The prophecy clearly states that "The one sired by the vampire with a soul will grow to manhood and kill Sahjhan", so Connor's the only one who can o it."
Angel:"But Connor's not a man. He's barely male. I mean, *look* at those red lips an that feminine hair!"
Warlock:"If he does not kill Sahjhan, I shall undo the memory wipes that were performed on him - and nearly everyone else - at the end of last season, with this device I hold in my hand."
Angel:*reluctantly agrees*
Connor:*walks with a slight skip in his step*
Angel:"hat's enough of that!"
(Spike is thrown in front of Angel and Connor as they walk through the halls of W&H. Spike charges back into the room and they enter, only to find him pinned to the ground with Illyria's foot on his head)
Illyria:(referring to Connor)"This one is turned on by my skin-tight leather outfit."
Connor:*is embarrassed and runs off in a girly fashion*
Angel:*begins training Connor how to fight* "You can do this. You're *special*."
Audience:"Repetitive use of that 'S' word would certainly make one feel that way in a very DOOMED sense."
Connor:*is enthusiastic*
(Meanwhile, Illyria is trailing Wesley as he pokes his nose into other people's business. Angel and Connor go to the warlock's mansion)
Warlock:*traps Connor in a room with Sahjhan*
(Apparently, becomming a nice boy has diminished Connor's fighting skills somewhat, and Sahjhan hrows him around like a rag doll)
Angel:*runs into a barrier containing the fight within and can only watch* "Boy, I wish Connor had the skill of the killer psychopath he once was, you know, without the memories that came with it."
(Suddenly, it's Wesley to the rescue! OK, not exactly. OK, not at all)
Wesley:(to Angel)"I found out about the warlock's involvement with W&H and the contract you signed in blood!"
(Wesley's so paranoid that he immediately assumes that Angel made an offer to sacrifice Fred in order to save Connor. With Illyria's time-altering assistance, Wesley nabs the warlock's device. Over Angel's protestations, he smashes it)
Angel:"Wesley, you asshole!"
(All the memories come flooding back, although it's unclear wheher the thing has any mental effect on Connor. It seems to have a physical effect, as it's the old Connor of old that rises to face Sahjhan. Connor's fighting skills are restored and Sahjhan's head is quickly seperated from his shoulders)
Connor:(to dead Sahjhan)"That's for driving everyone crazy with your pop cutlture referances!"
Wesley:*now has the memories of all the crazy stupid things he did when Connor was a baby*
Illyria:*philsophizes*
Connor:(to Angel)"Later, dude! I'm going back to live with my foster parents." *turns back to look at Angel silently*
Angel:(to himself)"Does that mean he remembers, or is he just bothere by my shirt hanging out?" *tucks it into pants*
(Having tortured Gunn every day for two weeks, each time culminating in the removal of Gunn's heart, the torture beast is set upon by Illyria who's come to bust Gunn out of the 'burbs)
Illyria:*removes amulet from Gunn*
Torture Beast:*runs at Illyria*
Illyria:*eyes the necklace, then does a questioning head-tilt*
(Cut to the amulet left hanging around the neck of the torture beast, who proceeds to cut out his own heart. Meanwhile, in Wesley's office, Angel is grumbling about how much he doesn't like/trust Illyria)
Angel:"Illyria has two modes: belligerent posturing and belligerent confusion."
Illyria:*steps out of a portal with Gunn*
(When we next see Gunn, he's wearing a hoodie. He walks in on Wesley who looks...a bit crazy)
Wesley:(to Gunn)"Everything is...a bit odd." *punctuates this with a big hand wave*
(Down in the room specially set up for pummeling Spike, Illyria's doing just that)
Spike:"Is your forehead bluer than it used to be? It'd be neat if the blue was spreading."
Illyria:"No, it's just slightly inconsistent make-up."
(They continue to fight, Illyria says ponderous things, Spike quips, then they fight some more)
Illyria:"I was a god. People suck." *uses her time-stop thing to slow down Spike's movement*
Hamilton:(to Angel)"I hold you responsible for damages caused by Illyria's rampages."
Angel:"Oh no! Nobody cares, you smug so-and-so."
Hamilton:"I'm Adam Baldwin." *drinks brandy from a snifter*
(Illyria soon begins to shift in and out of time and space. Then she discovers that the gang plans to kill her since she's so powerful and unstable. Wesley discovered that Fred's body can't contain Illyria's power)
Wesley:"She's about to go nuclear on our asses, wiping out half of Hell-A while she's at it."
Angel:"Find a way to off her before she blows."
Illyria:"I'll kill you first!"
(Cut to the special room for pummeling Spike. Illyria's power causes her to bounce forward an backward in time, repeating moments. In one timeline, she succeeds)
Illyria:*wipes out the entire A-Team in the blink of an eye*
Mutant Enemy:"Look, we just killed all our characters....psych!"
(But things keep jumping around, so the guys are alive, then dead, then alive etc. Illyria's bounced back to an arguement with Angel. While holding Angel off the ground an threatening him, time fluxes again and Angel is "caught in her wake" which basically means he ends up riding her time-travelling coattails. At one point they end up in the torture basement with Gunn and the demon)
Angel:*is confused*
Illyria:*is droning on about puny humans and godly powers*
Angel:"Shut your bitchin'!"
(Illyria has cramps and they both bounce back to the Spike-sparring room)
Illyria:*tosses axe onto pile of Angel-dust*
Angel:*figures out what's going on and then witnesses Illyria's power erupt and destroy her*
(The explosion sends him back in time once more, and he uses his knowledge of the immediate future to save his friends and Spike)
Spike:(to Angel)"We've found a way to defang Illyria - so to speak."
Wesley:(to Illyria)"Let me use this mutari generator I hold in my hands to siphon off enough of your power so that you can live."
Illyria:"I'm disinclined to believe that you have good intentions."
(She waves her hand so things slow down but then she gets cramps again and everything speeds back up again)
Illyria:*begins to melt down*
Wesley:"You *can* stay alive, albeit in a weaker state."
Illyria:*isn't much happier with that option*
Wesley:*shoots her with the ray gun anyway, which saves her from self-estruction but takes her powers in the process*
(Illyria is now a shadow of her resurrected self)
Cranky Illyria:*rants about how pitiful humans are*
Wesley:(to Angel)"She won't be altering the flow of time, hopping dimensions or any other Matrix-y looking stuff, and her strength won't be as great as it was, but she'll still be Illyria, and still possibly problematic."
Angel:"You never had any intention of killing her, did you?"
Wesley:"No. In my own twisted way I *need* her."
Angel:*freaks out Gunn by listening to the advice of ancient demon gods and serving evil clients*
Gunn:"I don't get it. One minute he's compassionate, then ruthless, then idealistic, then Machiavellian. He's like a big brooding yo-yo, yo."
(Gunn wants Angel and/or Spike to retrieve the body of an important demon honcho so they can avert a major war between some powerful demon clans. The body is currently in Rome. Where Buffy lives. They naturally hop in the AngelJet and make for Europe. Meanwhile, back in Hell-A, Wesley reminds Lorne that Illyria got de-whammified, Illyria's all grumpy because Angel took her pet away and Fred's parents show up. Cut to Rome)
Spangel:*knock on Buffy's door only to find Andrew there instead*
Angel:*is disappointed* "Andrew."
Spike:(to Angel)"Let's go."
Andrew:*tells Spangel that Buffy's being romanced by some fellow named The Immortal* "Are you shocked by this?"
Angel:"It's happened before - The Immortal once seduced Darla and Drusilla while holding us both captive for a few days."
Spike:"He's hot, morally ambiguous and lives forever."
Angel:"And we all know alot of women really dig that."
Spike:"Especially women who also like us."
Angel:(to Andrew, before leaving)"Neeeee-eeeerd!"
(So the dynamic duo start searching nightclubs, making a brief stop to pick up the demon's head - which will grow a new body if taken to Hell-A quickly enough. Naturally, they lose the precious item about 5 minutes after spotting Buffy's body double)
Spike:*recalls that there's a W&H branch in Rome*
(So they go there. The place is exactly the same as the one in Hell-A, except everybody smokes. The woman who runs the place already knows about the theft of the head and arranges for Spangel to exchange a suitcase full of money for it. They go to the exchange location)
Spike:"She's my girl!"
Angel:"No, she's my girl, we had cookie dough!"
(A demon - whose ears are on his cheeks - and some goons show up with the bag o' head. The goons play keep-away with the bag as Spangel run around uselessly. Once Spangel finally get a hold of the bag, they discover the head's been replaced by a bomb which blows up Spike's jacket. The W&H lady promises to take care of everything so Spangel decide to give up and go home. They return to Hell-A, thoroughly dejected after Andrew telling them Buffy's moved on and they should too)
Spike:"Who would ever have believed that Andrew was straight?"
(They find the missing head on Angel's desk, compliments of The Immortal)
Angel:"The bastard."
(They discuss how nice it would be to imprison Buffy or put a spell on her so she couldn't get away from them, but they both agree it could never work. Time to get over it and get on with their un-lives. Theorectically, anyway. They don't look to be in much of a hurry. While all this is going on, there's also the Fred back from the dead but not sub-plot)
Illyria:*disguises self as Fred and entertains the Burkles as if nothing happened, to avoid seeing their grief*
(Wesley is forced to confront his dual attraction/repulsion toward Illyria)
Wesley:(to Illyria)"Go back to being blue and talking like a Tolkien villain."
Illyria:*goes back to her head-tilty ways*
(Nina is in bed with Angel)
Nina:"Let's take a vacation."
Angel:"Can't. Uh...I've got things to do...and stuff."
(Angel's erratic behaviour causes concern among his friends who worry that he may have finally become corrupte by W&H. Their worry soon turns into fear. The gang are afraid that Angel's turned evil but it turns out he just wants them all killed)

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