Suicidal moment -- Self

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Date Posted: 18:50:21 11/13/10 Sat
Author:

SyckRN (What a cat sees...)
Subject: Suicidal moment

What a cat sees�
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06 Arms of the Angels

The cat observes her from the bed�the Woman she watches over. It is morning and the woman has been at work all night. Today is Father�s Day and as the rest of the Family prepares to go out for the day, a road trip to visit the Man�s father, the cat looks forward to this wonderful opportunity. Having been up all night herself, the cat eagerly anticipates a restful day sleeping tranquilly next to the woman�s feet. No interruptions by well-meaning but still disruptive family members.

The woman wearily goes about her usual morning activities. Having taken her usual sleeping medication as soon as she arrived, she now puts her things away, brushes her teeth, and puts on her sleeping clothes.

Something seems different to the cat this morning. There is a red energy around the woman that disturbs this very observant companion. The cat follows her. Out to the office and a drawer is rifled through, a shiny instrument emerging. Then to the kitchen for a hand towel and a bowl. Finally, in the nightstand drawer, from which the woman usually gets a book, her glasses, and tiny light, she pulls out instead an unfamiliar small tube of cream.

Curious, concerned, but powerless to understand the changes in routine, the cat settles at the end of the bed, lays down her head, but keeps her sleepy eyes open to see what the woman intends. Having been ignored thus far this morning, she is perturbed slightly, but she is aware of small changes in the woman lately that have worried her. Perhaps this morning, more will be revealed.

The woman squeezes out a small amount of the cream onto her fingers and rubs it into her wrists. Next, she feels around the bed for the shiny object. The cat sees that the the object looks like a narrow screw driver, but that the end has a very sharp blade attached instead of a flat head. The woman stares calmly, intently, at the scalpel and the bowl that sits on her lap and the hand towel she has laid deliberately and neatly underneath it�

and the cat understands finally�

The woman will take her own life.

The cat lifts her head to watch her every move, alert suddenly, all thoughts of peaceful sleep are gone from her mind.

Why will she do this?

The cat knows of the woman�s ongoing inner turmoil, her desperate pain. The red energy has been present from time to time over the past few months, but it seemed to have waned lately.

Unknown to the woman, but a presence that is always known to the cat, a nebulous spirit hovers above. Today, this being weeps. Sadness and hopelessness fill the usually peaceful face of the guardian angel. Now there is no hope in its eyes. There is only resignation.

Now the angel merely awaits what is to come.

Through the window of the woman�s eyes, the cat sees a storm of conflict. The cat knows she is considering the Family she loves, the people who will endure the tragic consequence of returning to find her�pain free, but gone from them.

The storm lasts only a few minutes as gradually it is replaced by a a blank and weary countenance. As the woman�s eyes begin to droop and the face goes slack, the scalpel falls from the her hand, and the plastic bowl is forgotten, remaining blessedly empty.

During the hours of fitful sleep, the scalpel is gradually kicked to the end of the bed, falling to the floor, and rests finally just out of site under the edge of the mattress.

The entire scenario will be forgotten, thanks to the amnesia caused by her medication, Ambien. The Woman will go about her day, vaguely disturbed by she not knows what, until, as she prepares to go to work that night, and before the family returns, she inadvertently kicks the scalpel out from its hiding place.

Shocked out of her numbing depression momentarily, the woman will finally have to begin to deal with just how bad it really is�just how desperate she really has become. Ambien, depression, lidocaine cream to numb the body for a coupe de grace�things appear to be as bad as they can possibly get.

But things truly could get worse as it turned out. Before they would get better, they would get much worse after all�

Dear RNonymous visitors, the above scenario is a (obviously fictionalized) account of one of my most desperate moments. I cannot call it a bottom, unfortunately, as I went on after that night to deteriorate even more, to cause more harm and pain to others, to risk the Man and the Family that prevented my demise to begin with. I am working on that part of the story, which took place over the space of just a few weeks, until I entered treatment, oh so reluctantly, and gradually emerged (though it took a couple of months even after treatment was completed) to find that my Angel stayed with me, that my Angel interceded on my behalf and that I would reach a point finally, though Syck knows just how quickly this state of mind could return, where I do not think I might be better off in the Arms of the Angels. Please check back in a few days or so and see if I have yet had the courage to tell more of this story.

Blessings to you all,

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