9 years ago tonight my world had just fallen apart. -- LDS Parenting After A Stillbirth or Infant Loss

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Date Posted: 22:22:54 01/26/05 Wed
Author: lynece
Subject:

9 years ago tonight my world had just fallen apart.

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It was a Friday night and I had just been sent home after being told that "this baby has passed away". I was so sick and living off of TPN (IV food) I couldn't swallow my own spit and vomited bile and dried blood at least every 15 minutes. I had told my mom the night before that I couldn't remember the last time I had felt the baby move, but since it was my first, I had no idea how much they were supposed to move. I was also doped up on Thorazine to keep me from throwing up and it left me in a zombie state. Jon was on night shifts so I stayed at my folks. The next morning I called my OB and they told me to come in that afternoon when Jon woke up. So we did and they found a heartbeat but still wanted us to go to the peri's office up at the hospital. The NST tech couldn't find the heartbeat and I remember thinking "Good, they'll have to take him out early and I'll be spared 8 weeks of this misery" How could I have been so selfish and clueless? When my peri came in (a man that had the bedside manner that could offend a corpse) and told us, I simply could not take it all in. I can picture myself in shock and disbelief. The phone rang and it was my OB calling to say that he was sorry. He obviously had suspected that it was my heartbeat, not the baby's that he had heard, but didn't want to confirm it. He then told me he was going out of town and wouldn't be back until Monday so we would induce then. I called my mom from the room and can still hear myself telling her "mom,my baby is dead". They sent me downstairs to have blood drawn, and I have no clue why. The people down there had no clue what i had just been told and were so damn cheerful. I couldn't even find the words to tell them why I was there and was just numb. And of course, I was still so sick. We went right to my parents house and I told my mom how scared I was of labor. I don't remember saying much else and I know we didn't stay long. I can't remember the 15 minute drive to our house either. We got home and I had to change my IV bags and lay down as I was exhausted. I also needed another thorazine suppository. I heard the phone ring and heard Jon talking to someone. I realized it was his (now ex) BIL and I knew what he was telling him, but couldn't connect that it was really about me. That my swollen belly was a farce now and that I was sick for no reason anymore. I couldn't believe that the baby was gone because I was still ill. He must be alive! I was still sick wasn't I? I heard Jon cry for the first time in our 18 month marriage and went to the hall and wrapped my arms around him. Shawn had called to ask what we were doing for SuperBowl Sunday and I can hear Jon's anguish as he told him "delivering our dead son". I've only heard that pain in my sweet husbands voice once since and that was at his dad's funeral. I slipped in and out of sleep as usual that night.

It's now almost 10:30 and I've got to get to bed. I've got a busy day tomrrow getting ready for the sub for Friday. Jon did our taxes today and we're going to have to Pay for the first time in 10 years and we thought we'd be getting a refund and were counting on it for our Seaworld trip next month. We started fighting over it and then realized how upset we both were today and he just hugged me and let me cry. It's been 9 years, will it ever get easier?

Thanks for letting me type this out. It feels good not to have to keep it bottled inside.

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