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Date Posted: 23:14:10 04/14/03 Mon
Author: Ginger
Subject: Im confused...
In reply to: marshun(Martha) 's message, "Well, I talked to DH.....more" on 21:38:29 04/14/03 Mon

and I certainly dont want to say anything to make the situation any worse for you..and Im sorry if I sound unsympathetic in what Im about to post.. I dont mean to be!

heres my confusion..

first.. I cant tell whats happening now that youve talked to him.. are ou staying there? are you splitting up? seperating? Seems to me that you told him last time that that was his last chance.. well, its happened again and now are you giving him another last chance? I think if you keep giving him chances to stop doing drugs then hes going to continue to stop and start again.. because he knows you wont really go anywhere for very long.

Im also wondering if theres a reason you call it his smokes.. theyre drugs.. and it almost seems as if you are in denial about that..because you refer to them as smokes.. smokes makes it sound like its not as bad as drugs would be.. but I think this is just as bad..wether theyre smoked or inhaled or snorted or shot up or whatever people do with drugs..

you said you told him you could be in trouble and your kids could be taken away.. ok, so you know this.. it has to be something you think about.. I dont know how to say this without being blunt but here goes.. I would be choosing my kids over my dh in a situation like that.. only YOU as an adult can protect them.. its your job to protect them and they need you to do it! It wont be easy.. I wont pretend that it would be.. I know I would be scared out of my mind to try to leave and take care of 6 kids with no income.. but again, those kids expect me as their mom to protect them.. they cant do it themselves...

you said he sounds like he was kicking himself over leaving it where you could find it.. if thats the case then hes not sorry for doing it.. hes sorry for getting caught.. and it doesnt sound like hes willing or ready to give it up.. sounds like hes thinking of himself over you and his kids..

now, I totally understand the self esteem thing.. I was told by my dad constantly growing up how fat and ugly i was.. and i was a size 7/9 at that time.. it hurt me and still does.. I have very low self esteen and now that im a size 22 its even worse.. my dad still tells me im fat, though i havent seen him or heard it from him in a couple years.. my dh loves me no matter what (truth be told, he likes me bigger lol) but no matter how many times dh tells me how beautiful i am or whatever, i still have that voice in my head telling me how fat i am..and ugly. dh doesnt understand why, after 14 yrs of marriage, i dont believe him.. well, i think its easier to listen to the negative than to hear the positives.. Im trying to work on that myself but its hard..

ok so my point was.. i can understand how you would be sad inside because of the comments when you were growing up.. im the same way.. but I dont think youre right when you say he has nothing to do with you being sad...i think you are and rightfully so, sad about everything he has done, doing the drugs, lying, hiding it from you, etc.. so please, dont put this all on yourself!!! maybe hes not 100% of the reason youre unhappy, but i sure do think he is a part of why!

Martha, I am not trying to hurt you... you know I care about you.. but you do need to get out of this situation.. if not permanently, then temporarily.. longer than last time.. to see if he is willing to change.. you cant keep taking the chance of having your kids taken away.. you need to get out and get yourself working on you without the added stress of his situation.. I think if you could get back to where you are happy about you.. (maybe not about the ugly, stupid comments, because those may not ever leave your mind...) i think if you could get to where you are happy being in your life, then things would really be going better for you all the way around.

Im not one to go around telling people to leave their husbands, so please know that Im not saying this just as a thing I would throw around lightly.. but I think you have to do this for your children. If it was just you in this situation then I would tell you that you can choose to leave or you can choose to get sucked into his lies and stick around and see if he changes or not..but youre not alone in this!! if you cant do it for you, do it for your kids...

we are here for you... and again, i do hope that i havent hurt you more... i just care about you and your kids...

feel free to tell me where to go though if itll help! LOL

Hugs to you...

Ginger

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