dependence -- ��I

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Date Posted: 16:28:37 05/27/11 Fri
Author: EC
Subject: dependence

Just read an entry written by my friend in her blog. It's abt the purpose of working, linking to the issue of money. The entry inspired me to think about what I have learned about money, esp my time at CA.

My financial dependency is ALWAYS a challenge for me. It's just such a concrete way to tell ppl what I don't have. In some sense, it's being vulnerable in front of others. Getting married, the first thing that I have to process in my own therapy is being financial dependent on Keith. It's not simply being vulnerable but also being controlled financially. Although that's not the reality (ps: Keith never really control how I spend money), I mentally feel so.

No one like to be dependent on others. You wanna show how capable you are because it informs you and the others your values. Even in the society, the elderly tries so hard to let their children or grandchildren know that they can live on their own and they can do everything on their own. This is the way how they earn respect and that makes them feel good.

I am not talking against independence but the fear of dependence. I still have that uncomfortable and fear. Yet, it's my dependence and weakness that allow me to receive. I can tell no grandiose miraculous story. Yet, being able to pay tuition for 4 years is a big miracle to me. I never receive a check from a strange or receive a full scholarship so that I don't have to worry abt next year. However, small things happen and my life at Fuller continues.

I also think it can applied spiritually. Sometimes, we wanna show God that we are capable to serve Him forgetting that we only glorify Him through our weaknesses as Paul said. It's only when I feel frustrated and hopeless that I experience the transformational power of the Holy Spirit. If you ask me, I still don't wanna be vulnerable and dependent. Yet, ironically, my most profound experiences for the last few years are all associated with the realization of my own weaknesses and the healing that I received.

PhD is never just a degree for me. It's the years walking in a desert, staying away from my comfort zone, from anything that I am familiar, and from friends and family. Then, I realized that I have received what I didn't have a chance to receive and have seen what I didn't have a chance to see in myself 6 years ago. Sometimes, a desert does have its lovely side =)

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[> Re: dependence -- Lisa, 23:58:42 06/19/11 Sun

Totally agree!!

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