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Date Posted: 17:31:25 04/27/01 Fri
Author: KJC
Subject: Too Late

Too Late

Oh it's too late and it's too bad, don't think of me
Does it bother you now all the mess I made
Does it bother you now the clothes you told me not to wear
Does it bother you now all the angry games we played
Does it bother you now when I'm not there

Emily sank onto the couch with a weary sigh. The last few days had been long and difficult and the last few months had drained all of her reserves. She was so overwhelmed, she just wanted to sit in a nice, dark room and cry for at least a week. They were all exhausted, especially poor little Carina. Nikolas was upstairs tucking the little girl into bed. Emily was almost grateful for the child’s exhaustion. Carina was too tired even to be frightened by her first night in her new home.

The knock at the door startled her just as Emily was allowing herself to sink into the despair that often overtook her during the past few weeks. She looked at the clock and frowned, wondering who would come visiting at ten o’clock at night. Her frown turned to disgust when she looked through the peephole. How dare he show up on her doorstep today of all days?

She was tempted to ignore him, to just leave him standing out there in the cold but she was afraid his knocking would wake Carina. Emily opened the door and asked coldly, “What are you doing here?”

Jason blinked in surprise. It wasn’t exactly the greeting he expected. “If it’s a bad time, I can come back.”

“It’s late, Jason.”

“Do you want me to come back tomorrow?”

Emily stared at her brother then shook her head. She suddenly realized that part of her had, until now, refused to believe he could be so cold, so heartless. “Why would it be a bad time, Jason? C’mon in. Make yourself at home,” she said sarcastically as she turned and left him standing in the doorway.

Jason watched his little sister slouch down in an overstuffed armchair. His brow furrowed at the furious look on her face. He followed her inside, quietly closing the door behind him. Emily said nothing; she only glared accusingly at him. He looked around the room to hide his discomfort. The room, like the rest of the house, was modest. Modest for a Cassadine and a Quartermaine anyway. Apparently, Nikolas and Emily liked to keep things simple.

Jason noticed Emily was still glaring silently at him and began to apologize. “Em…I’m sorry I didn’t come to see you sooner. I just got back into town a few days ago, but the receptionist at L&B said you and Nikolas were on an extended vacation.”

“Yeah.”

Her monotone response irritated him. “So why are you mad at me? I came as soon as I heard you were home.”

“Why are you here, Jason?”

“I wanted to see you. I missed you.”

“Let me rephrase that. Why are you in Port Charles?”

Jason looked away with a guilty expression. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “I guess I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. There are some things I’d like to fix – if I can – people I’d like to talk to… I thought Port Charles was a good place to start.”

“Is that the only reason?” Emily asked suspiciously.

“What else would there be?” Jason countered with a frown.

Emily gave a low, bitter laugh Jason didn’t like. It seemed wrong emanating from his usually cheerful baby sister. “Gee, I don’t know, Jase. You tell me.”

“Have I done something to you? Why are you so angry at me?” Emily’s stony silence was her only answer. “Look…Em…I’ve tried to keep in touch as best as I could. And it hasn’t always been easy. I’m sorry I missed your graduation. And your wedding. And – ”

“And my cancer?” Emily asked harshly. “Did you miss that, too, Jason?”

Jason was dumbstruck. Emily hadn’t been able to get in touch with him. No one had except Sonny. When he finally found his voice, he asked fearfully, “But you’re okay now? Right?”

Again, Emily laughed bitterly. “Yeah, Jase, I’m great now. I was lucky. I’ll never have kids of my own, but hey, even that turned out okay. Things always seem to work out for me.”

“I swear if I’d had any idea… I can’t believe Sonny didn’t tell me something so important. I would have come straight home, Emily. I should have come home years ago but – ”

“But what?” she challenged. “You were in danger? Aren’t you in danger now? Aren’t you putting me and my family in danger just by being here?”

“No,” Jason said quietly. I’ve made some changes in the past few years. I don’t work for Sonny anymore. After I left Port Charles, I had a lot of time to think. Too much time to think. I decided I wanted more than that life.”

“So why didn’t you?”

“Why didn’t I what?”

“Come home. Why didn’t you come home after you quit?”

“I don’t know. I was scared I guess. I didn’t know what I would do. I didn’t know what I could do. So I traveled, tried different things. And finally decided what I wanted.” Emily was staring off out the window. Jason wasn’t even sure she was listening to him. “Em…when did this happen?”

“Hmm?”

“The cancer? When were you sick?”

“Three years ago.” Emily saw his shocked expression. “Don’t look so surprised. Both my parents died of cancer. Didn’t you think it was at least vaguely possible that I might get it, too?” Jason shook his head numbly. “Well, lucky for me I thought about it. My paranoia paid off. The doctors caught it very early.”

“I wish I’d been here for you.”

“Nikolas was here.” Her tone left no doubt that she got by just fine without her brother’s help.

“Still…I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Jason looked up in surprise. “That’s the one thing that isn’t your fault.”

“What is this?” he exclaimed. “What have done to make you hate me like this?”

“I don’t hate you, Jason,” Emily said simply. “I’d actually have to give a damn about you to hate you. But I’ve stopped caring. Showing up here tonight proves you’re not worth it. My brother is really dead. There was a time I thought that maybe – just maybe – he was still inside you somewhere. I was wrong.”

Jason was speechless. How could she say such hateful things? Before leaving town four years earlier, he had noticed a distance growing between them, but now? Emily was acting like she couldn’t stand to be in the same room with him.

“Emily?” Jason jumped at the sound of the voice. “Who are you talking to?”

Both Jason and Emily looked toward the stairs. “Nikolas, we have company.”

Jason was as confused by Nikolas’s reaction as he was by Emily’s. He would have sworn he saw fear in his brother-in-law’s eyes before it was replaced by loathing. Emily walked to the bottom of the stairs to meet her husband. Nikolas put his arm protectively around her shoulders.

“What do you want?” Nikolas demanded.

“He’s checking up on us,” Emily answered for her brother. “Making sure we weren’t screwing up our lives without his holy guidance.” Jason shot his sister a look.

“As you can see, we’re managing just fine,” Nikolas said with barely controlled hostility. “But thanks for stopping by.”

Jason looked from Emily to Nikolas then back to Emily again.

“What is going on around here? Sonny won’t talk to me, Grandmother won’t see me, everybody’s out of town or on vacation… What the hell is going on?”

“What’s going on is that you’re not going to screw this up!” Emily hissed. “You had your chance – hell you had plenty of chances – but it’s over now, Jason. Have the grace to walk away.”

“Emily – ”

“It was a horrible decision for her to have to make,” Nikolas said, his voice hoarse with emotion. “And I will not let you interfere. Your rights were terminated – legally – years ago. All of the papers have been signed. Every “t” is crossed and every “i” is dotted. It’s all legal and there’s not a lawyer on the planet that can change it now and there’s no judge you can buy to overrule it! We are raising Carina. Us, not you, Jason. Don’t even think about trying to take her away.”

Jason was utterly and completely confused. He had not one clue as to what they were talking about. Who in the world was Carina and why would he want to take her away?

“Daddy?” Jason’s train of thought was interrupted by the small, clear voice. “Aunt Emily?” Jason noticed the fearful looks on Nikolas and Emily’s faces as a tiny little girl with long dark curls and big brown eyes appeared at the top of the stairs.

Emily hurried up the steps to take the little girl in her arms. “What is it sweetheart? Did you have a bad dream?” Emily brushed the child’s hair back off of her face as the girl clung to her, hiding her head against Emily’s neck. “Carina? Tell me.”

“Mommy’s tape stopped. I woke up and got scared,” she whispered.

Jason noticed the pained look on Emily’s face but he was too preoccupied by the little girl calling Nikolas “Daddy” to think about it.

“Nikolas? Can you…?”

“Of course. Come on, honey, back to bed,” Nikolas said as he took the girl from Emily.

Emily smiled sadly after them. She waited until she heard the music start again upstairs before turning back to her brother. She still had her misgivings about the taped lullabies but everyone, including her own parents, had assured her it was a normal, healthy way for the little girl to hang onto the memory of her mother. Besides, Carina couldn’t sleep without them.

“Daddy?” Jason asked as he joined Emily at the foot of the stairs. “What the hell, Em? Or should I say ‘Aunt Emily’?”

Emily’s expression hardened, turned cold again. “I understand, Jason. Probably better than anyone. She’s never had a father. It’s something new for her so it’s easy for her to call Nik Daddy. But she had a mother that she remembers and misses and loved very much. Maybe someday she’ll be comfortable calling me Mom. If not…well, that’s okay, too.” Emily remembered how much easier it had been for her to think of Alan as her father while it was much more difficult to consider Monica her mother after just losing her “real” mother.

“Em, whatever is going on, let me help you. I honestly don’t know what’s wrong but you obviously think I should.”

Emily stared at him, debating whether or not to tell him. Part of her wanted to just throw him out in the snow and let him figure it out on his own. How could he look at that little girl and not know? She was so disgusted with him, part of her wanted the satisfaction of telling him. She wanted to say all of things she’d been forced to hold inside for the past four years. She wanted to hurt him, if that was even still possible.

“She’s dead, Jason.” Jason cocked his head. “Four days ago. She wasn’t as lucky as I was. The leukemia kept coming back no matter how hard she fought and it finally won.” Emily paused, enjoying her brother’s confusion.

“She had such a hard time deciding who to leave Carina with. She finally picked us because she knew how much we wanted kids and she knew I couldn’t have them. And, she knew we would make sure Carina grew up knowing her family. All of her family.”

The music upstairs was louder now. Carina must have asked Nikolas to turn it up or he’d done it on purpose. For the same reason she was telling Jason all of this now. Emily realized Jason was staring up the steps and knew he heard it, too.

Jason was only half-listening to Emily. The other half of his brain was transfixed by the lullaby floating down from upstairs. He felt his skin break out in goosebumps as he listened. It was hauntingly familiar but his brain kept screaming in denial. It was the same song. That’s all it was. The same song. That’s the only reason it sounded familiar.

“I helped her make those tapes,” Emily continued. “Lullabies and bedtime stories to help Carina fall asleep. She left some letters and a few videotapes, too, but at the end…well, she didn’t look very good and she didn’t want Carina to remember her that way. She wanted to do everything she could to make this easier on her baby.”

Jason wanted to scream at her to shut up. He wanted to run out of that house and keep running until he was as far away as possible. The music seemed impossibly loud.

“She tried to make it easy on all of us,” Emily went on relentlessly. “Even you, Jason. She took the hint when you hung up on her and returned her letters and told her to go to hell. Well, guess what, Jase? She went through hell. But she wasn’t alone. Sorry. She had her family – and yours – with her right to the end.”

Jason couldn’t bear to hear any more. But he couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, couldn’t breathe. This was not happening. This had not happened. Not now. Not when he was finally ready to come home. To come back home to her.

“And, then she did one last thing for you, Jason,” Emily said quietly.

“Emily, please…” Jason whispered.

“You never have to see her face again.”

Emily waited for some reaction, some acknowledgement but Jason seemed frozen. She could see the grief in his eyes, however, and was glad. She turned and went upstairs, leaving him alone, listening as Robin sang their daughter to sleep.


Lyrics from Dido's "Don't Think of Me"

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