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My Life...In So Many Words
Update to this Plea in footnote

Shattered dreams and paths unknown; I'm Very Sick and I'm Very Alone. I've no family but for my two children, no friends, and I'm screaming through flawless tears for help!

Laughter, it is such a great vice against the will of life verses our own will to push forward through its’ chaos. Everything will be okay! No matter how hard life pushes me down, no matter how many tragedies I must overcome, and no matter how lost I feel I’ve always hung on to the belief that everything will be all right. You’ll see, just buy your time and things will be okay. In one breath behind the many tears of fear I cry, I feel selfish for wanting my little life to be just a tad bit easier, just one day, just once…please! But, then in the same breath I also feel the dying heart of mine screaming out for help, because I know how desperate I am. There are so many others walking in much worse shoes than mine, and I know there are too many others that need help just as bad or even a lot more than I do. One breath means so much with two conflicting tales but, ‘tis mine that seeks solace tonight.

I am so terrified, I’ve no words to comfort my son behind the mask of my smile, telling him that it will all work out, it always does. I seek a choice to make, an answer to a riddle, a glimpse in the future, hell anything! Nothing is shown to me, no choice is to be made, no mystery 8-ball to look in to, and no God wiping my stinging tears. I see the war on TV, as everyone does, and it not only tugs the heart strings for the families here that will never see their loved one again, but it also tugs fiercely at my compassion for the famine of the innocent in that country we are at war with. So, see there are lots of others with much worse troubles than mine. Even here in America, our children are homeless and starving, beaten and abused, murdered and stolen. Life, can always be worse. At least that’s what I’ve always said.

You know, no matter how poor I have been in my life, even today, I will not pass a Salvation Army bucket without dropping the last of my change in it. I don’t have garage sales to sell old clothes or things; I give them away to charity. I’ve always been the one to help anyone that needed my help; no matter how small that help might be, I gave what I could. My home has always been open to many stray kids my children have brought home, they are in trouble or just don’t want to go home that night. I’ve taken in their friends for short periods because they had no place else to go, I’ve been the mom of the neighborhood many times. No matter how short the food supply is at my home, everyone always eats when they are here. I’ve helped my old friends, buying them clothes for a job, a place to stay, or just compassionate comfort when they could not get it anywhere else. I know I am a good person, and I try to live my life the best way I know how to in my heart. But, here I am, in pain and desperate for help, and there is no one riding to my aide. I didn’t or don’t do good things out of a selfish desire that a good deed would be owed me. I do it, because that is who I am. Sometimes though, like tonight, I wonder why others cannot be that way too.

Life hasn’t always been a picnic for me, but I never failed to persevere in spite of the days challenge. I had a good thing going with a career, not rich by any means, but I could take care of us just fine. Then I got sick. Oh well, I pulled it together and kept on going. But, then I got sicker, and yet, sicker. I’ve illnesses with no rhyme or reason, no cure, and no way out. I haven’t been able to work since 1998, but that ‘s okay too, because somehow we landed on our feet. Slowly though, things have been getting much worse then I imagined it could be. But, really that’s okay too, except for a few little things that are not alright, that I can’t smile or laugh away, that I can’t find a way to fix or even patch.

I have a primary doctor locally, he’s just an MD. My specializing doctors are in San Francisco and Sacramento, that’s over 3 hours away. My primary doctor is only about 10 miles from this tin box we now live in. The pharmacy is only about 5 miles. Without medical treatment, the picture is extremely grim for me. I must have my medications and I must get to my doctors. But how? I live up a bit on the mountain hill, too far from any medical need I have. There is no public transportation that comes up here, there is no program for the disabled that offers rides for necessities, and there is no program that can offer me any help in this county.

I live on welfare now, that’s a hard swallow! The government gives me $130 a month in food stamps to feed us, and I don’t need to explain how little that is to anyone who’s priced the markets these days. We don’t eat healthy; we buy what is on sale only. We don’t make it to the end of the month without running out of food. I do receive section-8 housing, so my rent is considerably lower. I do receive a welfare check of $521 a month, but that stops in June when my son turns 18. The propane is so expensive, averaging $300 a month here. The light bills average about $200 a month too. Then, there is the small rent I pay, the phone bills, and of course we do have to have those necessary things like soap, and sundry items. Needless to say, that $521 does not pay the bills every month. The government only gives you an allowance of $206 for utility expense, which is what they factor in for how much food stamps you get. The government also does not factor in the cost of medications that the state insurance doesn’t pay; that is considered a luxury. The government also does not allow for automobile expenses, like gas, maintenance, insurance, even if you must have that auto for medical needs; those expenses are as well considered a luxury.

January my car broke down, the motor, need I explain why it is still not fixed? My son is in an independent school program, which will allow him to graduate early, he’s two months away from graduation and he only needs to make one appointment once a week. If he doesn’t make this appointment two things happen; he won’t graduate and he’s already applying for the financial aid to go to college in the fall, and that will not happen either. Secondly, the state mandates school attendance for minors, anyone on welfare will loose all of their benefits if that child does not attend school regularly.

The closer June comes the more terrified I feel, what am I going to do? SSI will not be in by then, I still expect another year to fight for it. We’ve no way for my son to get a job to help out. That fate I speak of, well even deeper it is the growing despair of knowing I’ve not too much time left. I don’t know how I know this, but I feel it. I tell myself everyday now, that if I could just get to the doctors for the treatment I needed then maybe I wouldn’t feel so hopeless. But I’ve tried everything, called every referral number I could beg from people, and I’d sell everything I owned if it would help. But, the truth is, I don’t own anything anymore of any value.

Pride, is a funny thing. Pride has kept me strong, but pride has also been my enemy. Sometimes, we have to swallow our pride and ask for help, because it is the right thing to do and the necessary thing to do. Yes, I am begging for money, begging for help in any form. However, I’m certainly not expecting that the world somehow “owes” me anything for all those good deeds, which let’s face it a lot of people do, that’s not me. This is an extreme move I know, posting to message boards and setting up websites. But, think about it; I can’t afford a newspaper ad big enough to fully explain the necessity I have for this need.

I am desperate! I need HELP! But, I also need a small lift from the sadness upon my shoulders and finding my smile again. The reality is, if I don’t meet this need, my situation will deteriorate rapidly and there will be no going backward to set that pride aside and ask for help.

Thank you. Denise P.O. Box 721 Twain Harte, CA 95383
Cover Letter and Resume' - Praying for Telecommute assignments; working around my illnesses.
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This is an update to the Plea I wrote on March 29th, 2003.

My heart is broke, just broke.

My soul is full of grief as I am mourning daily for the loss of my life and lack of choices I cannot find to make. I simply cannot find the strength in me to believe that everything will be okay now, because everything is not okay and I’ve absolutely no way to make it okay. The hole gets deeper and I’m being buried under the pile of the mess my life is in.

I submitted this plea via the Internet and I thank the individuals that took time out of their own busy days, to read my story and have enough compassion in their hearts to write me letters of encouragement. Thank you! For so many of us suffering in our daily lives, for whatever path we have found ourselves walking, it is not only the monetary dire need that I have, it is as well the emotional support of others sharing their stories with me and allowing me to give in return of their compassion toward my struggles, a supportive collaboration for each of us.

I did receive an offer of help. A man answered my plea, he ended up being a distant relative to my children, or so we thought. I’ve no real idea who this was really, only that this person knew things and names about the family that only someone within that circle could know, my ex-husband’s I mean. It was a terrible and horrid joke someone played on me via the Internet. Needless to say, this person never helped me, just embarrassed and humiliated me!

There was also a community aid worker that was trying to help me find some resources as well; she works on a volunteer basis because of the states cut backs. She got them to donate half the money to fix my car because the mechanic said he’d take half and let us pay out the rest. That was in April, he bought the motor, and there is where it has sat ever since. He’s not fixing it; he backed out on the deal he made with me. So, there went that hope.

My son has since turned 18, June 12th, and I didn’t so much as have a card to give him, you cannot imagine how that hurt me. But, he’s a good young man and never showed one ounce of disappointment in me because I couldn’t give to him on that day.

The checks have stopped, so I’ve no income. NO income whatsoever now. Social Security is still a fight, and only God knows when I will finally win that battle. Why does it have to be so political and so hard to get, when you’ve worked for so many years paying into a system that you counted on being there for you should your time in need come?

The propane company had agreed that I could pay half my bill of $320, but then within a few days after the first, they came to the door and demanded full payment or they’d shut it off. That meant, I didn’t have the money to pay for the light bill or phone bill. So, I’m sitting on two termination notes right now, and have no way to pay them. My son, is now walking 5 ½ miles to and from a part time job he got at a hotel cleaning rooms, not just walking, but walking up and down mountain hills to do this. It pays so little and we haven’t even got his first paycheck yet. He can’t keep this up, it is getting hotter and hotter and I fear so greatly for his health and danger for him getting hurt in this remote area. He is suppose to start college in the fall, without a car or income, he will not be able to do this. How sad that he has to sacrifice his health and his future to try and take on the responsibility of paying the bills when it is not his place to do it, it is mine. I am beside myself with guilt!

Every day there is more bad news; everyday seems to be another brick on the wall I am carrying upon my shoulders. You know, people don’t care why you can’t pay your bills, they are in business to do business, so they want their money, regardless of your reason for the lack there of.

We are so stranded, not far from homeless, close to starvation, and my health continues to deteriorate without the treatments I need. What in the world am I going to do?

Every single word I’ve said in my Plea for help and this update can be factually proven. I’m not trying to hurt anyone, I’m not looking for a handout, but I am begging that someone in this great big world of ours hears my screams of pain and feels the desperation of dire need in my life tonight. I am so scared, so alone, and searching endlessly for a choice.
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