Author:
gracie_lu_freebush (Is life worth living? We really don't know.)
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Date Posted: 15:58:52 09/01/08 Mon
Take if from me, I'm a bit older and have considerably more experience dealing with thoughts of suicide nearly my entire life. Life doesn't really get any better. They say, life is what you make of it, or how you represent the world to yourself, but really, I think it may be something more biological in nature rather than merely problem with personal perception and interpretation. I also know that the older I get and the more experience I have gained living "this life" the more determined and decisive I have become. For the record, I have lost 8 family member to suicide already from ages (22 to 59), so there could be a genetic aspect to suicide that doctors and scientists do not fully understand or recognize. When I think of family members who have killed themselves, I do miss them, but I truly understand and I have forgiven them for leaving me and wish them well. One of them, a cousin I had lived with my entire life. I knew she would some day leave on her own terms...and she did 10 days after 9/11. She was 30 years old. She had family who loved her including a husband and one daughter. I envy her sometimes. In my opinion, she hasn't missed much since she has left.
No, I am not on any type of antidepressants, as I really do not believe they are a cure or really help. If I'm going to "feel" anything at all, it's going to be real.
I have learned, never ever tell someone you care for how you really feel. They will never ever understand. If you really want to die, it's your life and your choice. If you really believe people will be better off without you, then chances are, they will. I would guess that is would be very difficult to love someone who does not want to live.
Once you're dead, do you really think you will care about your pain any longer? Will you still care about your family? Probably not. It will be lights out, pain over. I always believed that if I just hang on a bit longer, sit in the sun and look for reasons to hope for a better tomorrow then eventually things will get better. Now that I have been alive for 40 years, I now know that those thoughts are complete bullshit. We do not have any scientific proof that there is an after life to speak of and, it's my belief that if there is, it's got to be better than living with such unrelenting pain. Maybe we are not meant to really know if there is an afterlife. The not knowing perhaps is why we value life as we do. If there is an afterlife, be it, heaven, hell, purgatory, or a quantum leap into a new life, why not just start over? Many religions tell us that people who kill themselves go straight to hell, but how do they know? I would think that God is merciful. If he knows all, then he must know the pain some people are living? All of life is filled with irony and stark contradictions. Some have happy lives no matter what, and some don't. It's not fair, it sucks, but that's life!
The pain is not always circumstantial either, one can feel miserable no mater what their situation is. Circumstances can change for the better and the brains of some people just find another misery to cling to. Sure, I can look around (based on what society tells me), there are a few thinks I could be "happy" about, such as great kids and a wonderful family, but I'm not...or not for very long. Maybe most of us only have very small moments of bliss that are supposed to make all of this bullshit worthwhile.
Right now, the only thing that keeps me going is that I know there is a part of me that wants to live. There are two sides of me that are at war. So far, the part of me that wants to live and clings to hope has overcome my pain and constant desire to die. I guess I have made a decision to live regardless of the pain. It's not easy, I hate it, but it's the only way I can cope. My therapist thinks he's made some real progress with me...and that's good for him.
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