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| Subject: "Mick Foley vs Jason Voorhees" fanfic | |
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Author: Behind the Mask |
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Date Posted: 01:00:09 01/22/04 Thu I haven't read this yet, just received it and wanted to get it posted. This was sent in by "The Patman". Enjoy! The sun is setting over Crystal Lake. Mankind is on his way to see his new lake house for the first time in his beat up red 1977 pinto, with one white door and a primered fender. As he drives down a remote dirt road, a woman runs across the road screaming for someone to help her. She is followed closely by a figure in black wearing a hockey mask. Mick yells, "HEY!" He screeches to a halt and jumps out and sprints in the direction the woman went, putting on Socko as he goes. As he comes to a stop, you see that he only stopped and ran over to a Dr. Pepper machine to get a soda and didn't even notice either the figure in black or the woman. He gets back in his car and cranks up some kind of weird yodeling music on his radio. He is tired and doesn’t have time for this crap. About four miles down the road, he finally reaches his new home. He purchased it the day before for $17 and half a turkey and Swiss sandwich. It is a large Victorian revival built in 1899. Its original owner had died in 1922 and since then no one has lived in it for more than a week without disappearing, and it has been sitting since 1979. Mankind gets out, stretches his legs and scratches his considerable ass, farting audibly and making an "uh oh!" noise in fear of having soiled himself. Convinced that it was just a wet one, he opens the hood, grabs a burrito off the exhaust manifold and takes a large bite out of it then walks up the steps to the front door. As soon as he puts his key in the door, it falls inward onto the floor, the window to the right of it falls out, and after he stands there for a second, the whole porch caves in on him. Pan out to a shot of Mick being crushed by a big damn porch. After a couple of seconds, a hand clutching a burrito pokes through the rubble. Foleys all right. Proceeding in to take a look around, he once again scratches his ass. Finding a run down main room, abandoned since the 1970’s he walks in to have a seat on a Holstein cow patterned couch, turns on the TV. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is on, and Mick begins to laugh uncontrollably. Suddenly, a really fake looking moose sticks its head in the window behind him. Mick screams like a woman, and runs to the other side of the room. "Oh crap, what the hell is happening here?" he yells. When the moose takes a bite of his burrito, he screams, "For the love of god, leave me alone!" He proceeds to pummel it with one of his flip-flops. The moose falls over dead, and for the rest of the story its legs can be seen sticking straight up out the window. Once again farting mightily, Mick decides to try to get some sleep and lays sideways on the couch, sucking his thumb. Change to a shot of his pinto, outside the house with Jason's “ch ch ch” sound effect. The camera moves slowly toward the house, as seen through Jason's eyes. When he gets to the front door, which has been repaired by Mick with duct tape and is very, very dilapidated, he twists the knob to find out it has been locked from the inside. He snaps his fingers, looks disappointed and turns and is going to leave, when he notices a key on the windowsill of the window which is covered rather badly with an old trash bag. Jason opens the door. As he does this, the door falls outward and knocks the hell out of him. He creeps through to the living room, holding his head with one hand, and just before he gets to the couch, the floor caves in with him, dropping him to the basement, where after he sits up, the floor also caves in to a sub basement. As he is lying there moaning, cut to a shot of the living room ceiling fan above the hole he fell through which caves the ceiling in, falls through crushing and electrocuting him at the same time. The next time we see Jason, the few strands of hair on the back of his head are sticking straight up and he is smoldering and has a 2x4 sticking in his head. Absolutely insane with anger, he sprints up the stairs, runs toward the still sleeping Foley with his machete held high, and proceeds to fall through the floor again. The next shot is of him tip toeing through the living room, carefully. Holding his machete high, he slashes at Foley, who without waking up catches the blade between two hands, takes it away from him, scratches his ass with it and hands it back saying, “thanks man, that did the trick.” Jason holds the machete away from him between two fingers and flings it away in disgust. Disgust such as he has never felt. He wraps his hands around Mankind's throat and starts to throttle him. After a few seconds of this, mankind farts, thunderously and two of the living room walls fall on Jason, missing mankind. Mick gets up, yawns, steps on Jason, who grunts loudly, and goes to the fridge to finish a beer from 3 days ago and eat some cottage cheese. After this, he goes in the bathroom, drops his pants and sits on the toilet. After a second, he stands up in a panic and yells, hey, what the hell!!!! Sprinting back to the living room he runs right past Jason without noticing him, and grabs a newspaper and goes back to the pot. Jason looks up, both hands over his face, shaking his head in disgust. He has had enough. He crashes through the bathroom wall right as Mick Foley is wiping his considerable ass. Mick, soiled toilet paper in hand, screams and instantly slaps on the mandible claw, with the toilet paper wrapped around two fingers. Jason can be heard to retch violently and choke for air. After a second, Mick reaches in the cabinet, and pulls out a flaming steel chair and proceeds to wear Jason out with it. You “whack” should “whack” knock “whack” while “whack” I'm “whack “ trying “whack” to “whack” take “whack “a “whack” dump! "Whack, whack, whack" At this point Jason can be heard to be sobbing weakly. Foley puts the boots to him nwo style. Foley stands him up, goes for the dreaded double arm DDT, and Jason goes head first into the unflushed toilet, which for one reason or another explodes the house in a huge fireball. Climbing from the rubble, mankind has a toilet seat around his neck, and is on fire. Jason is lying prone on the ground, and doesn’t move a muscle, or make any sound. In fact he is very very dead. “I SAW THAT YOU SON OF A BITCH!” Foley yells for no apparent reason and pounds Jason with the flaming chair repeatedly, at a pace that makes you tired to watch. On the last swing, mick farts REALLY loudly and wetly and because he is still on fire, flames shoot from his ass about 25 feet. “Oh my god!” he mutters and runs down to the lake to wash his pants out before he gets chapped again. Later we see him only in his boxers and badly burned white shirt and tie, get back in his car, which when he turns the key explodes in a dazzling ball of flame. Later we see him hitchhiking back to town in his burned up polka dot boxers, scratching his ass with a machete he found, as Steve Austin's pickup pulls up and gives him a lift. Steve Austin is slobbering drunk, and wearing an enormous cowboy hat, at least 5 sizes too big. He mutters something about getting a hot dog and a beer. Mankind yells “OH HELL YEAH! And they drive off into the sunset, swerving to run over a reporter from MTV news that tries to stop them for an interview. [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] |