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Date Posted: 22:30:59 03/01/05 Tue
Author: Revidescent
Subject: The Secret House

Hi,

I'm not sure if you all remember me. Many months ago I wrote "my story" on this message board. I have not written on this forum since.

I am searching for someone or something to relate to. I need to talk to somebody who has experienced a similar scenario to what I have gone through.

The shadow of my past lurks behind me, weighing down my soul and making my heart so incredibly heavy. Some nights I wake up from my own whimpering, because I have been crying in my dreams.

I am not looking for sympathy, I'm simply looking for someone who understands.

I have a boyfriend - I love him dearly. I have a fantastic job - it's my dream come true. I am 24 years old.

But three years ago, I was Paulie. I know she seems like an extreme character, maybe even a little crazy. But she is real because all those emotions that led to her breakdown CAN happen. I know because it happened to me.

I'm not gay, I might not even be bisexual, so it's not like I am still "in the closet." I have no closet to come out of. But I had and deeply intense relationship with another woman - my room mate at the time - and I can't shake it. It turned from something beautiful into something ugly, but it was always powerful.

She pretended to be something she was not. She had a boyfriend while she was with me. She proclaimed her love for me, but was with him. And nobody knew. Most people still don't know what happened between us, even though she is finally coming out. I carry around this deep dark spot in my heart that I can't fully describe to any one. I was never able to share my heart ache with a friend, and the closest people to me don't know I have experienced this. nor have any idea how it has affected me.

I need to get this out of my system. I need to shake it out, because it is still under my skin, under everything I do, torturing me. I dream about how she ignored me in front of our friends, and held me close when we were alone. I dream about how much I cried back then and about how much I wanted to rush into the secret house, once upon a time.

I need someone to rid my mind of the cobwebs that clutter my thoughts, I need someone to hear my story.

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