For Laney and the Eagles -- thecoffeeshop

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Date Posted: 20:16:24 03/06/05 Sun
Author: Femok
Subject: For Laney and the Eagles

New Test for Northerner Folk

New test.......................read on.

We are fed up!!

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South
are. We challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam
administered by the University of Kentucky Engineering Department:

See how well you do!

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that
will support a 10-pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on
blocks in your front yard? A '65 Ford Fairlane, a '69 Chevrolet Chevelle or
a '64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of
20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required
to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The
density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The
plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many
Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut dow n?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12
simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers
with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16
feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses,
how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow
with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his
grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough
property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a
steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average
traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will
strike a vehicle with a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous
Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the
beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be
smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per
generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the
Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

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Replies:

[> A Smart Yankee? Isn't that an Oxy Moron? Gorsh, did I speel that write? -- Laney, 00:06:41 03/07/05 Mon [1]

Let's take these in order, shall we? ;-)

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that
will support a 10-pound possum.

One second, after being hit by some buckshot.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on
blocks in your front yard? A '65 Ford Fairlane, a '69 Chevrolet Chevelle or
a '64 Pontiac GTO

Are we talkin' CE-ment, or cast iron?

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of
20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required
to condense the product?

If my uncle did that, I'm proud!

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw (Oh, as if THAT narrows it down for me, honey!) which operates at 2700 RPM. The
density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The
plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many
Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

Oh, hell, that's a trick question, ain't it? We don't drink Buttwhipers. Only Miller!

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12
simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?

You'd best ask my brick layer neighbor, Chester.

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers
with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16
feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses,
how many hound dogs will be killed?

My guess? A SHITload!

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow
with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his
grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough
property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

One word: Trojan!

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a
steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average
traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will
strike a vehicle with a muffler?

I'd say the odds are perty fuckin' good that it'd strike SOMEthang! WTF was he thinkin' anyway bein' overloaded? Any trucker worth his weight in gold would never attempt such a maneuver. He'd likely take a different route. And if he didn't, then he's likely a yankee and has no cents (gee, did I spell that right) anyway.

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous
Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the
beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be
smoked during the shift?

Someone mention ridin' a camel?

10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per
generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the
Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

Who's Gene?

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[> LMFAO!!!!!!!!!! -- EG~, 07:09:03 03/07/05 Mon [1]

Tooo Funny!

I just pulled a 16 hour shift at the Truck Stop and that just made my day!

Thank Yall!!!

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[> [> 16 hours? -- LaneyLounge, 11:37:23 03/07/05 Mon [1]

Good grief, girl! You're working waaay too hard. :-( And yea, that gave me a chuckle too. Thx Femster for the laugh and for allowing me to have some fun w/ our neighbors to the north. :-)

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