July 12, 1999 -- A Journal

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Date Posted: 10:42:56 07/12/99 Mon
Author: Anonymous
Subject: July 12, 1999

This is my first day of my documentation, I used to cast aside all that I felt, but being close to someone, that isn't possible... So I have started to tell her things, but was it too much that I told? Did I ruin things again..
The Last week has been difficult, I just want to curl up into a ball in the deepest hole I can find.. I am working 9-5 making good money for an intern now, but I have nothing to do..
Last night was bad, or yesterday in general, I wasn't the same, and it has had it's reprecussions...
I made a white russian before bed last night, realized what I was doin, got mad and almost threw it across the room, but finaly decided on only pouring it down the drain....
I stayed up almost all night, unable to sleep because of my wandering uncontrolable thoughts. Finally I curled up into the chair across from the bed, into as tight as a ball as a could, finally waking up again, the floor sounded like a better idea, so, completly clothless, I fell to the floor, dead weight, spread out staring at the ceiling, wondering if it could tell me any explanations of the day and what was to come... Nothing, everything was silent except the random bursts in my head... I have been in a strange dream state for more than a week now... I need to know my father, but I don't know how to bring myself to asking about him... I need to fix things with the only one I have ever loved, or I will lose her to...
The shivers are back again, that tingling sensation that race up and down your but, in and out of every nerve simutaneously....
On the metro I sat, thinking, viewing my death... A violent death by accident, very violent, like getting run over by a train, having my head cut off by a falling sign or tin. That would be nice... Contradicts with the morphine plans of last night tho.

Let us see what tommorow brings.
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