Okay - Chapter 1 -- The Beta Board

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Date Posted: 11:02:02 04/04/05 Mon
Author: Diane
Subject: Okay - Chapter 1
In reply to: Diane 's message, "Okay" on 11:00:56 04/04/05 Mon

�Okay, Daddy.�

Two words. His son had said two words in the last 48 hours. That had been at the railway station as they boarded the train in Munich. He had told Adam to take his hand, and Adam had responded, �Okay, Daddy,� and done so. He had not spoken a word since.

Michael studied the small boy sleeping in the seat beside him as they waited in their new car for the ferry that would take them from Yarmouth, Nova Scotia to Bar Harbor, Maine. He frowned. Adam had slept a lot on the international flight to Paris, and then to Halifax. Not the sleep of a tired boy who needed to catch up on his rest, but the sleep of a child who has withdrawn, like a turtle into its shell, waiting patiently until everyone and everything unpleasant just went away.

He knew that they needed to talk, and soon. He could not risk taking Adam to a licensed therapist, but he knew the dangers of letting the events of the last week stew inside the child without release. Adam�s ready acceptance of �Daddy-back�from-the-dead� worried Michael, and he wondered what other thoughts were floating around in Adam�s mind. Was he waiting for Elena to come back as well? What did he remember of his kidnapping? Did he see the murder of Mr. Jones on the bridge? Did he understand why they were moving so far away and so quickly? And what about Nikita?

He closed his eyes painfully. What about Nikita? Was their kiss in the train station truly the last time they would ever see each other? He still couldn�t take in the enormity of her sacrifice for him and Adam. To permanently ally herself with an organization that she had loathed in every way from Day One. From which she had escaped, but returned to, for him. And then he had treated her like crap. He wouldn�t look beyond Section to see how much he was hurting her�how much she was dying inside each day. No wonder she accepted the job with Center. Then she set him free with a lie. They both knew it. And they both knew he would come back to her. It could have worked. It would have worked. Except for Adam.

No lies this time. At least not from Nikita. She told him she loved him. He told her he loved her. That part was true. He also promised that when Adam didn�t need him anymore, he would return for her. Would he? He looked again at Adam, who stirred uneasily on the seat next to him as Michael put the car in gear and drove slowly onto the ferry. Adam didn�t wake, but returned to his troubled sleep. When would Adam not need him? When he was sixteen? Eighteen? Twenty-one? Thirty? Retired? And would Nikita still be waiting for him? Would he be able to find her if she was? Section One had already moved from Paris to Munich three years ago. What if it moved again? He no longer had Birkoff on the inside, and couldn�t risk opening communications even if he did.

Michael parked the car and unbuckled his and Adam�s seatbelts in preparation for moving to the lounges on the upper decks. When he begin to lift Adam out of the passenger�s seat, the boy came alive with fists of fury. �No!� he screamed lashing out. �Let me go! I want my Mommy!� It was several moments before Michael could fully wake Adam and calm him down, then Adam turned his head into Michael�s chest, wrapped his small arms around his father�s neck, and went back to sleep. Michael was deeply disturbed. Things were worse than he has imagined. He would take Adam up to the bar, get some ice for the black eye he was sure Adam had given him, and then they would talk. Really talk.

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[> [> first things first -- sk, 00:17:37 04/10/05 Sun

I can't offer to beta this -- I don't have the time right now, but I did want to say that this line made me smile:

"her standard solution to every fashion problem, a hat"

Just in general -- you seem to have a pretty good handle on your style and who your version of these characters are. My fast suggestion, always, is that you read your work out loud (not in your head, but really out loud) to yourself -- it will reveal a lot about pacing, phrasing, vocabulary, etc.

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[> [> [> Thanks! -- Diane, 12:45:44 04/10/05 Sun

I try to do that; I catch a lot of boo-boos that way, too!

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[> [> Okay, just a few quick things. -- Shanola, 20:20:53 04/12/05 Tue

A few things jumped out at me. =P

You wrote:
He knew that they needed to talk, and soon. He could not risk taking Adam to a licensed therapist, but he knew the dangers of letting the events of the last week stew inside the child without release.

Well, *why* can't Michael take Adam to see a licensed therapist? Surely, Michael has created new identities for himself and his son. Is there another reason?

Later in that paragraph you write:
Was he waiting for Elena to come back as well? What did he remember of his kidnapping? Did he see the murder of Mr. Jones on the bridge? Did he understand why they were moving so far away and so quickly? And what about Nikita?

Um, so, what about Nikita? I mean, I don't follow how Michael would naturally think of Nikita in the middle of his concerns regarding Adam. I found the transition rather jarring.

Okay, in the last paragraph here, you've got Michael taking Adam to a bar so he can get some ice. A bar? That threw me. I admit, I've never been on a big ferry like that, but surely Michael could get ice from someplace other than a bar? I dunno...I guess I just equate the word 'bar' with sleezy beer joints or something!LOL

I'm curious to see what happens with Adam.

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[> [> [> Re: Okay, just a few quick things. -- Diane, 22:42:46 04/13/05 Wed

You wrote:
He knew that they needed to talk, and soon. He could not risk taking Adam to a licensed therapist, but he knew the dangers of letting the events of the last week stew inside the child without release.

Well, *why* can't Michael take Adam to see a licensed therapist? Surely, Michael has created new identities for himself and his son. Is there another reason?
* * *
Because Adam is a six-year old, and because what he needs to talk about is his witness of a murder, his kidnapping by terrorists, and other things Michael probably doesn't want him talking about, new identity or not.

Later in that paragraph you write:
Was he waiting for Elena to come back as well? What did he remember of his kidnapping? Did he see the murder of Mr. Jones on the bridge? Did he understand why they were moving so far away and so quickly? And what about Nikita?

Um, so, what about Nikita? I mean, I don't follow how Michael would naturally think of Nikita in the middle of his concerns regarding Adam. I found the transition rather jarring.
* * *
Just transitioning to the next paragraph. I didn't think it was that jarring, but I suppose I could move that line to the beginning of the next paragraph and make some minor changes.

Okay, in the last paragraph here, you've got Michael taking Adam to a bar so he can get some ice. A bar? That threw me. I admit, I've never been on a big ferry like that, but surely Michael could get ice from someplace other than a bar? I dunno...I guess I just equate the word 'bar' with sleezy beer joints or something!LOL
* * *
That scene is based on actual experience.I took that ferry from Maine to Nova Scotia. There was a large screening room on the lower deck where a movie was playing, slot machines all over deck two, and the top level (with windows) was a bar/lounge that served food and was open to families. I could rename it a lounge if that sounds better.

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