| Subject: My Damned Existence |
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Ben
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Date Posted: 14:53:51 04/03/06 Mon
My Damned Existence
Knowing or hearing of any young life or good soul that suffers has always brought me increased surges of despair. I cannot help but to think over, pray, and hope that they will be strong and hold on, & to pray & plea to God to remove the curses that make them suffer so their strength does not go in vain. Even if I see a passerby with the eyes that demonstrate a hopeless, unhappy soul, unjustly punished in life, I pray immediately, begging the Lord to help this person even if it meant that he should never consider me ever again. I have a soft spot for any young girl that suffers or have suffered; something that literally brings me to tears even for complete strangers. It is overwhelmingly painful knowing that good souls suffer as I do when they do not deserve such damnation.
I know what it is like to suffer horribly during every second, of every hour, of every day for years without any relief; a pain that only grows stronger as I get older and lose hope. I am now in my mid-twenties and have been suffering since before the earliest memory as a child that I have allowed myself to remember. I cope as best I can by oppressing or trying to believe that a different state of life precedes me, and by believing that one day I will learn how it feels to have & hold on to a sincere smile. Very periodically tiny fragments of hope and ambition seem to find its way back to me, yet, at most times hope and ambition can not be any further away.
The American dream of life, love, family, and career is undoubtly only a fantasy for me, but even to experience a tiny fraction of its esteem seems unreachable. I have tried specialized help, long term prescription drug therapy, some of which have provided very slight or short lived self improvement. Yet by doing this, I have shown myself that I have no more options other than to rely on the Lord’s mercy which I know will never come to me in life.
God has given me potential blessings & traits, though I have only known them as tools of cruel teasing. I am extremely intelligent, yet my ongoing depression has greatly limited my ability to use this to my advantage. The Lord eventually made me handsome, fit, & somewhat charismatic. I have been chased by many extremely attractive women, but I always turn my back and remain alone & lonely preventing them from inevitable disappointment, although I am struck with extreme guilt and shame every time. My libido & sex drive hardly exist, & it is impossible for me to truly enjoy anything life offers. I spend more time thinking of suicide and dieing than all other thoughts combined including thoughts of sex.
My sole is weak, so weak that I even reject blessings and I hate myself for it. Unhappiness is imbedded in me so deeply, that the opportunities to improve my state of happiness scare me entirely. This may not seem to make enough sense for most others to understand, but putting suffering into words is hard to do. I turn my back on everything that life may offer, both consciously and unconsciously believing that I am not worthy of or capable of maintaining anything good. I never allow myself to open up to or rely on anyone. I am overwhelmed with shame, guilt, hate, depression, & anxiety; not from particular deeds to others, but merely for existing when somebody wanted & worthy of life, from anywhere in the world, may have existed in my stead. I am damned and have only one event to look forward to, I have no hope but for death and inexistence.
Lord, is there no hope for mercy from my suffering? Will I ever allow myself to accept blessings to heal from my damned existence? I know that it is too late for me, even if I ever become able to accept your blessings. I beg you Lord; please let all those good souls in this world that suffer as I do to find mercy during life before they fall too weak like me.
“Discontent is the first stage of the progression of any person, organization, or nation, yet, without will & ability to reform it will only lead to suffering.”
--Benjamin M. LaPointe
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