OK, I'll go first: My story -- CastawaysII

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Date Posted: 17:10:49 06/03/08 Tue
Author: Liz
Author Host/IP: hou-ext-vrrp.conocophillips.com / 138.32.80.20
Subject: OK, I'll go first: My story

It was a dark and stormy night. No, wait, not that story. Seriously, I don�t think I was born with it, I think my neurotransmitters got scrambled when I was young. My parents meant well but I never could be the kid my mom wanted me to be and I grew up insecure with low self-esteem. I went through teen angst, wondering about the purpose of life and my place in it and feeling like the world was a hostile place.

In college I started seeing a therapist for the first time. Not counting the ones my parents forced me to see, underscoring that they thought something was wrong with me. Life was better but I still felt lost in the sauce -- and I drank like a fish. My early 20s were rough. I broke up with my boyfriend after college and moved to Texas and fell in love with a divorced law student. I thought we�d get married, but it turned out I was his transitional relationship and after I made him feel desirable again he moved on and I hit a very low low. I was clinical, with suicidal thoughts and I have no idea how I got through that terrible time.

But I did, and then I got married on the rebound, which I�d call a mistake, except for my two wonderful kids. I stayed married for 15 years, and I was relatively happy as a mom, but as the years wore on, I felt more and more isolated and alienated from life.

In 1997 I found a support board online where I met all the wonderful people here. Having found that support network, I finally separated from my husband. It was that time when I also started on the med merry-go-round. In the next 5 years I was on and off most of the meds in the book. I have to say, my worst bouts of anhedonia hit me during those years.

In 2001 I fell in love again and once again, a man I thought I�d marry threw me over. When you are standing on the edge of quicksand and something bad happens, you have nothing solid to step back on. I went a long, long way down into that quagmire. But I had my kids and my parents and my brother, so I just kept desperately trying to get better. I also had the support of the wonderful people here and another friend who stood by me throughout my darkness visible.

In 2002 I met the real true love of my life. You would think that would banish my blues forever, but it didn�t. All my fears and insecurities were raging and I was constantly petrified that he would leave me. He is a wonderful person but he has lots of other interests and time commitments and I was lonely and miserable and worried that I would drive him away with my neediness and moodiness.

So I went back to the Pdoc and we started tweaking my meds again and finally, after 10 years of trial and error, we landed on a combo that works for me. Last year when our kids finished high school we bought a house together and life has been very good.

I�m not sure what made the biggest difference, having a healthy partnership in my life, the right meds or the fact that I found two passions, something that had always been missing from my life. I started working as a volunteer at the animal shelter and I started making bead jewelry and glass beads. I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. Now I know that I want to be an artist. Unfortunately I have to keep working to pay the bills, but maybe the structure of having to earn a living helps keep my depression at bay.

Anyway, that�s my story and believe it or not, it�s the short version. Hugs, Liz

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Replies:

Re: OK, I'll go first: My story -- Gem, 23:27:29 06/04/08 Wed