AIDS Outbreak At Divine Word University -- Creative Writing

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Date Posted: 11:30:40 03/02/01 Fri
Author: BBC
Subject: AIDS Outbreak At Divine Word University

I refused to believe about the AIDS outbreak at Divine Word University too, at first. But look what you have.
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AIDS outbreak at Divine Word University

The Health Department has confirmed an outbreak epidemic of AIDS at Divine Word University in Madang, Papua New Guinea.

Spokesman for the Department said they have confirmed that Case One (the first case on campus) was Father Jan Czuba SVD the President of Divine Word University. "It is clear that he brought it with him when he came to Divine Word University in 1996 and then spread it around," the spokesman added. "We are now tracing the spread of the disease."

Some of the others reported infected are Madang businessman Peter Barter, and Trevor Cullen, a former priest and former journalist, as well as many others. "We are taking a close look at Lady Carol Kidu also," it was reported. "We have a positive confirmation on Joe Weber, the present head of journalism, and it looks like Joe Weber has taken it and given it to the students that Father Jan Czuba and the others did not already infect."

The Health Department went on to report that this appeared to be a new and particularly vitriolic strain of the disease. "AIDS/HIV has always been known to be a fast mutating virus", they reported.

Tentatively termed HIV-IV (HIV Type Four), this is Human Inability for Veracity. The virus kills all truth. It is considered especially fatal to the soul, where truth usually finds its centre. The resulting AIDS-IV spreads like wildfire, it is reported. Acquired Insidious Deceit Syndrome, as AIDS-IV (AIDS Type Four) is known, is airborne and highly contagious. It enters the ear, and then the brain, and finally kills the soul. "They call AIDS the silent killer." "Well, there are a lot of walking dead at Divine Word University." "Especially the staff and faculty." "Bodies with no soul."

AUSAID is reported considering direct aid to the entire Madang area by sending prophylactics. They will be free and distributed in all stores and shops in the area. No identification will be required. "We figure if you are in Madang and have even been near Divine Word University, you
need protection," an AUSAID spokesman stated. "If Australia can supply thousands of free prophylactics for the upcoming Olympic Village, we can also help our friends in Madang." The prophylactics would come two to a package and be of rainbow colours.

AUSAID, under the proposal, will be shipping 100,000 sets of ear plugs, the prophylactic of choice for AIDS-IV. Already nick named "Slickers", the latex ear plugs keep the deceit from entering the body. Each set will come packaged with an instruction sheet clearly stating, "Protect your Ears, and then your Rears." Also, "A Slicker a day, keeps the Devil away." Consideration is also being given
to the mass distribution of a poster stating, "If the SVD is anywhere around, put on your Slickers, and get out of town."

Ask about their part in bringing this epidemic to Madang, Divine Word Missionaries (SVD) denied all responsibility. "We know nothing about this," their spokesman Father Patrick Gesch SVD said, while covering his ears and looking around for Father Jan Czuba SVD. Ask if SVD stood for "Society of Venereal Disease", or "Society of the Veracity Diminished", Father Gesch denied
everything. Ask if they should not have known about Father Jan Czuba SVD, when he was known, even before coming to Divine Word University, as "Father Feel Good", Father Gesch said that it proved nothing.

Ask if Divine Word Institute was even a "University", Father Patrick Gesch denied all knowledge of the answer or even the question. Finally ask if denying things when you knew them to be true was a form of the HIV-IV virus, Father Gesh SVD said that might be true, but then again it might not. "You will have to ask Father Jan Czuba SVD about all of that." At that point your reporter wisely terminated the SVD interview by putting a Slicker in each of his ears..

Future instalments will look at how AUSAID may have inadvertently helped spread AIDS/HIV in Madang, how Divine Word University has taken the infection to the news media, and how the disease may be eradicated in Madang and Papua New Guinea. One precaution you will want to remember: DO NOT CALL A PRIEST. The Health Department advises, "If you see a priest approaching, be quicker with your Slicker."

CLICK HERE FOR THE FULL SESSION OF PARLIAMENT.

CLICK HERE FOR TREVOR CULLEN.

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