| Subject: CAguy's Miss Universe 1997 Review! |
Author:
CAguy
[Edit]
|
Date Posted: 15:19:21 11/22/09 Sun
Gentle readers, at my last communication, as you’ll no doubt recall, Evil Manifest tragically triumphed over Good, causing your poor recapper to experience a psychotic break that left him ranting and raving about time travel and silver swords and vanquishing Evil Manifest and the annihilation of imbecilic judges. Felicitously, after intense, extremely painful shock therapy and much Xanax, I can report that I am indeed recovered and ready to take on Miss Universe 1997!
I won’t lie, seeing Evil Manifest live up to her name during her “reign” was very satisfying. Truly, she was a horrid titleholder who managed to eat her way around the world in a staggering fashion and ergo ballooned alarmingly quickly to twice the size she was when she won. Of course, one Donald Trump didn’t like that she became the Biggest Gainer and threatened to fire her fat ass; however, ever the publicity whore himself, he instead made Evil Manifest use the Stair Master in front of various and sundry journalists to prove she didn’t want to eat the entire food supply of a Third World country and then made the final three at Miss USA 1997 tell the world why fat ass beauty queens suck. Brook Antoinette Mahealani Lee’s answer to that was the best answer ever and gave her the upset victory, and Evil Manifest still looked like a big cow. It was delicious.
Aaaaaaanyway, here we are finally at Miss Universe 1997 in lovely, sunny Miami. The contestants are “dancing” to some Gloria Estefan, and I miss them singing their own song. Oh well. When introduced, Evil Manifest looks slightly less like a heifer, but decidedly less attractive than when she was crowned, which is saying something for me since I never thought she was that pretty to begin with. I’ll miss you like a front tooth, toots!
The Parade of Nations!!
The swimsuit scores for all the South American girls are shockingly low.
Argentina’s headdress makes her look like Medusa. Thankfully, I am not turned to stone looking at her.
This year’s Osmel-bot has the highest swimsuit score of the South American girls, and it’s only an 8.44. Wow. In other news, she may be the most boring woman ever to live.
Dominican Republic announces her country as “Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrepublica Dominicana,” single-handedly causing the show to run long.
This year’s Aruba is no Taryn Mansell.
Trinidad and Tobago has a lovely accent.
Curaçao’s scores are BY FAR the highest so far. She’s fabulous.
British Virgin Islands really took her territory’s turtledove theme and ran with it. With unfortunate results.
Croatia is being represented by Susan Powter.
Switzerland is gorgeous.
Why the hell are Sweden’s scores so high? She’s got a snaggletooth, for crying out loud!
Iceland is HOTTTTT!
Estonia looks like a hooker. How charming.
I see Germany didn’t even bother with a real costume and just wore her evening gown as her “national costume.” So utilitarian!
Poland’s really pretty.
Bulgaria seems suicidal, which is reflected in her interview score, the lowest by a good half-point. Too bad, she could have been a real hoot on stage with George Hamilton.
Czech Republic is really sexy.
Australia is delightful. What a beautiful smile!
Ooh, New Zealand is great, too!
Is it wrong that I laugh every time the annual Taiwanese contestant tries to say “Republic”?
Korea again sent a tween to represent them.
India’s typically pretty, but her gown in her little video looks simply ghastly.
Philippines is stunning.
Oh my god, Italy is SO FIERCE!!! I’m in love.
Malta’s costume makes her look like an extra from the set of Angels and Demons.
South Africa’s headpiece is intense.
Egypt…no, just…no.
Turkey’s hot.
So is Israel.
Greece is not.
Costa Rica is adorable.
Honduras continues with its national tradition of hideous headpieces. This year’s representative is wearing the largest, ugliest poinsettia I’ve ever seen on her head.
Guatemala killed a peacock and put it on her head.
Oh, Canada, that costume…I…I just can’t.
USA is the best, so relaxed and comfortable.
George Hamilton and Marla Maples are our hosts, and George starts out by blabbering unintelligibly in Spanish. Oy. Playful banter about Marla and Don-don’s divorce ensues. Ick. I will say that Marla looks really pretty, so that’s something. George tells us to vote in some stupid poll about whether a titleholder should maintain her appearance throughout her reign. Jesus, how pointless.
Whatever, it’s time for the top ten, which George can’t even start that off without flubbing ridiculously. Does “1997” look like “1970” to any of you? I didn’t think so. Where the hell is Bob Goen? *sigh*
India’s up first and is very pretty, but I just can’t help but wonder why Diana Hayden isn’t here. Marla tells us nothing about Nafisa. Thanks for sucking, Marla!
Osmel forgot to install the emotion chip in this year’s model. She shows no sign that she’s excited to be in the top ten. Perhaps he was afraid of creating another Manifestation of Evil. I hate her already.
Puerto Rico looks ten years older than everyone else.
Trinidad and Tobago has truly hideous spider-like eyelashes happening, which really detract from her beauty.
Brook is up next in a yucky pantsuit, but she’s the coolest woman in the room.
Oooh, YES, Fierce Italy is up next. It takes her about three seconds to realize George called her name. I completely want to have an effing walk-off with her.
Eww, Sweden’s next. At least Annika Duckmark was actually beautiful. Victoria is…not.
Curaçao is up next and is really lovely. She’s the runaway prelims winner.
Over-scored Panama has what I consider to be a rat face. There, I said it.
The hooker Estonia is our last delegate, wearing a galling lime-green dress that is short enough to expose her glory to the judges.
Honestly, this is a weak top ten, but then this is a weak group of delegates on the whole. If there had been a top fifteen, our other five ladies would have been Philippines, Costa Rica, Australia, Czech Republic, and New Zealand, all of whom I really liked. I’d take all five of them over Marena-bot, Rat Face Panama, The Hooker, Old Lady Puerto Rico, and (especially) Sweden. Mexico, Switzerland, and Iceland would also have been acceptable alternatives.
George and Marla introduce the judges, among whom are two actual supermodels (Eva Herzigova and Ingrid Seynhaeve) and the hideous Carolina Herrera, one of the gold standards for grossly biased judging.
Interviews!!
India is wearing a beautiful traditional outfit. George asks her how she became interested in the field of human resources, and Nafisa tells us it sprang out of her basic love of humanity and wanting to do something to better the lives of the innumerable poor and downtrodden in her country. She started out studying law and will enter into human resources development. That’s all very nice and well intentioned, but human resources is so completely not about any of that “help the poor and downtrodden” stuff she’s selling. Anyone who’s ever worked in a company with an HR department can tell you that HR people are generally the devil. I can say that because I worked in recruiting for several years. Anyway, George thinks she’s beautiful and amazing for saying such “meaningful” things. George then asks Nafisa what she thinks is the biggest injustice facing the world today. Ugh, really, Hamilton? Nafisa says it’s bringing a child into the world and not being able to offer him/her peace. She kind of seems like she wants to say more, but sort of stops speaking and nods her head. The judges feel like I do, that she was nervous and selling a lot of patty crap without a basic understanding of things like human resources, and score her poorly. Judge Monique Pillard (who has a perpetual sneer on her face like she’s smelling poo) hates her, and pretty much most of the girls. Marena-bot is up next, and her poofy hair is one of many things about her that annoy me. Her mom, incidentally, is very pretty in a very manufactured way. Viva Venezuela! She says she is involved in a charity that goes into poor, rural areas to teach children about proper dental hygiene, which I guess makes sense since she’s about to be a dentist. Then, George makes Marena-bot demonstrate the flamenco, and it is the most awkward flamenco dancing I’ve ever seen. It’s like she’s a marionette, and there’s a child jerking her strings around goofily. Gross. Her score sucks because she’s horrendously boring and a crappy dancer. However, Carolina Herrera follows Irene Saez’s example from two years prior in proving why Venezuelans should never, ever be allowed to judge by giving her a 9.90. Epic fail. Whatever, Marena-bot still ends up with the lowest score of all. Old Lady Puerto Rico is up next in a nightmare of an outfit. Seriously, who forced her to wear that? It looks like a dominatrix bustier with a see-through mesh skirt. Klassy, Ana Rosa, really klassy. George asks about her charity work, and Ana Rosa says that one of her main causes as Miss Universe Puerto Rico is to go to a hospital in San Juan and visit with the cancer patients, spend time with them, and give them “a piece of my heart.” M’kay. When asked what she likes to do for fun, Ana Rosa says she likes modeling (which is just not something I ever think of as a hobby; it’s a career and should be treated as such) and swimming. Her score is higher than the other two, which makes sense since she was much more comfortable than the other two. Trinidad and Tobago is our next lady, and George asks Margot what she would show him in her country. She says there’s a lot to see, but she would love to take him to a waterfowl sanctuary and very eloquently expresses the need for us to protect our environment. She’s easily the most articulate delegate so far, and her sister’s really pretty, but her spider brows are freaking me out. I actually like spiders, but I don’t what them on my eyelids, you know? Margot then tells us being in Miami has felt just like being home and then says what sounds like, “Mi tierra, Miami,” which means “my land.” Cute. She’s the best so far, and her score reflects that, although I’d have given her a higher score. My girl Brook is up next, and George characteristically struggles YET AGAIN to say “Mahealani” when introducing her, and how many times did he have to say her name between Miss USA and Miss Universe, for crying out loud?! I swear to god that man is playing hockey with a warped puck. He finally gets her name out, and Brook sweetly and sardonically tells him, “That was excellent!” Heh, she’s awesome. George asks after her multinational heritage, saying it’s akin to the multiplicity of nations at the pageant, and she tells us she’s “Hawaiian, Korean, Chinese, Dutch, English, French, Portuguese.” She confirms for George that she can, in fact, claim any of them, and then he says she has stated she wanted to audition to sing for the Dodgers and asks her what she would sing. Brook says, “The Star-Spangled Banner, dumbass, like what else do you sing at baseball games,” only with the last eleven words very much implied by her look and tone. It’s rather like her “I’m a hula dancer and I get paid to do it” answer at Miss USA; I love how Brook understands that George is like a golden retriever: stupid, but very sweet and adorable and well-meaning, and sometimes you just have to whack him lightly on the nose to get him to behave and/or focus. Then, George uses the audience to force her to sing the end of “Star-Spangled Banner”; you can tell she’s very nervous about doing it and hadn’t warmed up her voice. She doesn’t sound all that great, to be charitable, but her charisma pulls her through it intact; she also places her hand over her heart while she sings, which I find so adorable. Her score is sky high (even Poopy Pillard hates her least of all the girls so far!) because she’s the best. Seriously, no other delegate can touch her when it comes to being totally at ease in the interview portion. Marla chats inanely with a few of the first five ladies before giving Margot a chance to take us to commercial with a plug for lotion. Fierce Italy and her fabulous mane of hair are up next, and George tells us she is originally from the Dominican Republic and moved to Florence (which is one of THE most beautiful cities in the world) at ten and is the first black Miss Italy. This will be Denny’s theme tonight, somewhat unfortunately. George exchanges brief Italian pleasantries with Denny before asking her about the controversy her winning the Miss Italy crown caused and how she survived it. She says she is really happy to be at the Miss Universe pageant because she knows they’re not there representing colors, and she has nothing to envy of other Miss Italy’s because she’s opened this door and will continue to open many more; and to those people who call her “negro” (yikes!), she says it doesn’t bother her. I’d be interested to know the exact translation of that last bit (Fra, help?!) because it seemed to me the translator might have softened what Denny said just the tiniest bit. That’s all Denny gets to say, but it is certainly memorable. She scores slightly lower than Brook (Poopy Pillard LOVES her, with which I cannot disagree). She just projects this aura of self-confidence and not giving two craps about what others think, and I love her. I want her and Brook and me to become besties and be brilliant and snarky and beautiful forever! Snaggletooth Sweden is next and tells George that her father and (much more attractive) sister are there supporting her. Then, George tells us that Victoria’s great love is singing and asks her to sing for us. When the hell did this turn into the Miss America pageant? She sings a little bit of “Summertime” very, very breathily and badly. Blech, she might have marginally more personality than Annika Duckmark, but she is not even in the same solar system in terms of beauty. Her score is pretty low. Good. George tells us that Curaçao owns her own construction company, which is so cool. Take that, Melissa Witek! George asks Verna what she does as the owner; and she says that she does the administration, supervises the work, and negotiates the contracts and that she has ten people working under her. Oooh, her father’s foxy! Call me, Mr. Vasquez!! George asks if the men working for her had trouble taking orders from her. She says they did at first because she’s a woman and so young, but they saw quickly that she did her work very well and that she’s “the one that pays!” She laughs as she says that last bit, and she is too enchanting for words. Just really delightful and sweet. Her English is so-so (incidentally, her Dutch – I think – interpreter is one of those women who is a woman, but looks like a twelve-year-old boy), but her sweetness and charm make up for it here. Poopy Pillard hates her, though, which causes me to get out my silver sword and start sharpening it; but she still scores a solid third overall, which is fair. Rat Face Panama is up next and George asks her what the best part of being a woman is. Lía says the best part is being able to have a child, love it, and educate it as it deserves. I hate it when babies and children are referred to as “it.” I also hate that kind of patty crap (seriously, how did she win the prelim interview with a whopping 9.62?!). I also think Lía’s mother is very unattractive, and I see now wherefrom she gets her rat face. George must find her as boring as I do because he doesn’t ask her a second question and sends her away to get a much-too-high score that places her an undeserved fourth. Oh lord, give me strength, the Hooker is up next. George tells us the Hooker is eighteen, and the TV screen tells us she is a business owner. I think we all can guess what kind of business she owns at eighteen. The Hooker tells us she speaks five languages, which is admittedly impressive: Estonian, English, French, Russian, and Finnish. George confirms that she is in fact a ballroom dancer (she placed third nationally) and then asks if she’s “game” for a dance. She’s looking like she’s unsure of how this could go and says her love is tango. George asks for some tango music and then forces Kristiina to dance with him. It’s so inappropriate and embarrassing, and I actually feel kind of bad for the Hooker, though she has no doubt been pawed by much worse than the Sun God himself. Since the judges don’t like girls who flash their glories at them, the Hooker’s score is horrible. Poopy Pillard actually doesn’t hate her as much as she hates most of them, which must mean she’s a dirty old French lezzie.
Marla then narrates us around Miami, which is always my least favorite part of the night. However, in this segment we see Ms. Denny Mendez holding the neck of a large snake of some kind, and I involuntarily flinch because I am TERRIFIED of snakes. Like, my idea of hell is to be forever tossed between a tank of snakes and a tank of great white sharks. Ugh, I’m going to have nightmares now. Denny, I still love you unconditionally, but DO NOT bring your snake within ten miles of me! We also see Evil Manifest trying to flirt with some buff dude on roller blades in South Beach. He’s just not into you and your vagina, hon! Dear Evil Manifest, Please work on your gaydar because if you ever try to flirt with me, I will end you. With sincerest antipathy, CAguy.
Sexy Enrique Iglesias is our guest performer tonight. He sings a song about which I don’t care at all, but he’s very pretty, which counts for a lot in my shallow mind. The delegates are onstage with him in their swimsuits swaying and doing random arm movements. Evil Manifest comes onstage to sway with Enrique, and she’s wearing an ugly dress that seriously makes her look pregnant. Oh, I just noticed the absolutely hideous shoes Enrique is wearing; they’re almost like platform shoes, and I hate them. Enrique, you’re a tall man as it is, don’t do that. After the performance, George has a lot of fun repeating “only you” to Marla, in reference to Enrique’s song. He really is like a golden retriever.
After another prolonged travel ad for Miami, it’s time for the swimsuit video, which shows the girls for about .3 seconds each. Whatevs, let’s move on to the actual swimsuit competition. Our semifinalists seat themselves on beach chairs while awaiting their turn, and they are wearing rather ugly swimsuits. They’re not as bad as last year’s monstrosities, but they’re still not very pretty. They have horizontal stripes (which are conceptually abominable to begin with) of bright yellow, green, and blue and come in either a one-piece or a bikini. They’re not very flattering for many skin tones, I have to say. India is wearing a one-piee, and I think a bikini might have been better for her. She certainly has the best body of an Indian delegate since Sushmita, but she just isn’t projecting much at all and thus gets a bad score. Marena-bot is wearing a one-piece, which I think was the right choice for her. She moves expressionlessly around the stage, has a typically nice figure and receives a high score. Eh. Poopy Pillard absolutely HATES both Marena-bot and Nafisa. Puerto Rico is in a bikini, and I think she suffers the most from the swimsuit colors; her pale skin and auburn hair just cannot pull those colors off, and I feel bad for her. The one-piece would have been more flattering, I think, but her thighs are large no matter what. She also still looks matronly with her awful twist bun, and the judges no likey. Trinidad and Tobago is wearing a bikini, which I think is the right call for her. She looks good and receives an OK score. Brook is wearing a one-piece, which was definitely the right call for her. She strikes her end pose with a hula-like hand flourish and really shows off her legs, which I think are her body’s best feature. She looks better than she did at Miss USA and scores a lot higher here than she did at that pageant, the highest score so far, in fact. Comparatively, Poopy loves her! Hateful Herrera doesn’t because she’s a biased heretic. Oooh, Denny’s wearing a bikini, which was the only possible choice for her. She’s VERY skinny, and I want to feed her some cheeseburgers. However, she sashays her fierce self across that stage and is fabulous; her legs are seriously about seven feet long. The judges love her and give her the highest score yet; she’s by far Poopy’s favorite. The Heretic hates her, though, because she’s the worst human being alive, other than Evil Manifest. Sweden is the unfortunate girl who has to follow Denny, and it’s made worse by the fact that she has by far the worst body of any girl in the top ten. Seriously, WHY is she in the top ten?!?! She’s wearing a bikini, which was exactly the wrong choice because it highlights her soft belly and side pooches. No. The judges sensibly give her the lowest score, and I for once can’t knock Poopy and Heretic for their hate. Verna is wearing a one-piece and ROCKS it. She looks incredible and has the best body of all of them and just barely ekes out the highest score over Denny by .01. Poopy low-balls her most egregiously. Lía is wearing a one-piece, and I guess that was the right call. She looks average to me, scores appropriately in the middle (though Poopy is back to full-on hate), and I have nothing to say about her. The Hooker is last and wearing a bikini, natch, because what else would a Working Girl wear? She, like, leaps down a small platform instead of using the stairs because she is “effervescent” and “carefree,” and I “throw up” in my “mouth” a little bit. She has a nice body and scores pretty well. I can’t argue too much with that, although Poopy confirms my suspicions that she’s a dirty old French lezzie by giving Kristiina her second highest score after Denny, which is unforgivable. Overall, though, I think the judges ordered the ladies correctly.
Marla tells us that Colombia won the national costume award. For the second year in a row, Australia won the congeniality award, and I am thrilled because I loved her initially and wanted her in the top ten and because Aussies are the nicest people ever. Also for the second year in a row, Philippines won the photogenic award. This is the one and only time I have agreed with Philippines winning this award in the last fifteen years; and let’s face it, this was purely the result of serendipity. Abbygale just happens to be stunning, which helps, but the crazy, jingoistic Filipinos would vote (and have voted) for any girl their country sends, not matter how much of a hag she might be.
Evening gowns!!! We first see the evening gown video, and my only comment is that Brook is wearing a hideous flapper-style gown that I really hope is not her finals gown. Then, to the sounds of tango music and the sight of tango dancers behind screens, it’s time for the competition. Nafisa is indeed wearing a gown that I completely, COMPLETELY despise and that single-handedly should have kept her out of the top ten. Oh god, it’s a blah shade of gray and covers every damn inch of exposed skin. It bunches at her crotch, MOST unfortunately, and has crystal detailing that cannot save it. She also is wearing a cheap and gross cape over it and really tacky, bright silver shoes. Ugh, it’s so, so hideous, and I need her to get off the stage STAT! Poopy doesn’t hate it nearly as much as she should, but Nafisa still scores horribly, which: good. Marena-bot is next; and I have to say, as much as I hate her, her dress is stunning. It’s a very simple silver dress that is made (I think) of satin with a bit of stitch detailing and conforms to her body extremely flatteringly. I love it. She still looks somnambulant and can’t muster one change of expression, but it works more effectively in this round of competition. Her score is really high, and I actually agree with it. Ana Rosa has taken the body-conforming idea of Marena-bot’s and run with it. She’s wearing a skin-tight silver dress that is pretty similar to Marena-bot’s, except the cut at the top is different and it’s tighter. There are also some gold-sequined armbands happening. She let her hair down, which she really needed to do before the pageant started, and looks pretty fabulous in general. Her score is pretty good, but this is it for her. Sweet Jesus, Margot Bourgeois comes out in the most ridiculous gown I’ve ever seen. The dress part of it is a simple, sequined golden-bronze sheath that doesn’t fit her bust as well as it needs to and is too short. The real horror, though, is the ENORMOUS cape she’s dragging around; it’s the same color as the dress, only not sequined, and is attached to her forearms. I hate it SO MUCH. First of all, while gold is a color that works amazingly on black women (see: Kwelagobe, Mpule and Stewart, Crystle), the color of this dress has a little too much brown in it and doesn’t quite work for me on her; she’d look better in a dress with a bit more yellow in the color. Also, she looks like a DAMN PEACOCK and has the most vacant expression on her face the whole time. Was she hypnotized by Marena-bot or something? Heretic hates her most of all, but she actually gets a shockingly good score. Gross. Brook comes out in a dress that I should like less than I do, but I’m still reeling from the Bronze Peacock and anything is bound to look amazing after that. It’s royal blue, which is beautiful on her, but looks kind of like a full-length ice skating outfit. The top is sort of ‘60’s, Marilyn-Monroe-esque, but not really, there’s a bare midriff with gold meshing connecting the top with the skirt, and a simple skirt with a slit up the left leg. She’s wearing it well; and while it’s not my favorite as it’s bordering on cheap-looking, I have bigger scores to settle here. She gets a high score just behind Marena-bot, and Poopy loves her. Poopy’s always loved ice skaters, you know. Denny is wearing a black dress with the top encrusted in large black and white crystals and a simple, body-hugging skirt. I love it, love it, love it, and she works the HELL out of it. Naturally, her score is the highest so far, and, naturally, Poopy wants to move to Iowa and marry her. Sweden comes out in a disgustingly cheap-looking nude-toned, sequined gown that is exactly Annika Duckmark’s gown except for the color. What is it with Sweden and cheap gowns? Her score sucks because she’s boring and in a gross dress. Verna Vasquez comes out to rescue me from my misery. She’s wearing a yellow gown with a fitted bustier top that has a lot of crystal details (including one above her crotch that I could live without), a somewhat unnecessary crystal shoulder strap, and a pleated, multi-layered skirt that is slit in both the front and back, which is interesting. The color is fabulous on her, and I want Margot to take note; honestly, I think it’s a little busier than it needs to be, but I really like it overall. She receives the highest score, although I’d put her a strong third after Denny and Marena-bot. Panama comes out in a very plain silver gown that is strapless, with a full skirt that is too short. It’s so boring, just like her, so kudos for consistency. Poopy and Heretic loathe her, and she scores smack in the middle, just like always. Finally, the Hooker comes out in a Maria Von Trapp original. It’s a mermaid gown that was made out of someone’s hideous curtains, and it’s in terrible earthy orange and brown colors that are SO WRONG for her gross bleached-blonde hair and too-tan skin. I feel schizophrenic right now. Because she is a dirty old French lezzie, Poopy gives her a very high score, but the rest of the judges agree with me and score her fairly low compared to the other girls. Good. Be gone with you, Hooker! Fully half these gowns suck, which is astonishing, and I lament that my favorite part of the Miss Universe pageant was raped by so many girls with hideous taste.
Before the top six is announced, Marla has a very brief conversation with Evil Manifest, who says it was a great experience (uh-huh) that allowed her to experience different cultures (and cuisines) from around the world and taught her to be “stronger in [her] personal and [her] future.” One hopes she also learned how not to be a heifer. Ooh, Marla has another surprise for us! They’re presenting a Distinguished Achievement award to none other than the Clown herself, Irene Saez, who is only 35 here and looks 45. She says something about beauty and being of service, and it sounds exactly like she’s answering her final question in 1981 with all the patty crap pouring out of her mouth right now. Just as the bile is rising in my mouth, she thankfully shuts up, and we are ready for the top six.
The lucky ladies are Italy (WORK!), who looks really bemused by everything; Panama, snore; Curaçao, who is lovely; Venezuela, gross and still expressionless (seriously, she has had the SAME LOOK ON HER FACE ALL NIGHT; she IS a robot!!); Trinidad and Tobago and her hideous gown; and USA, duh. Judges’ questions! Denny picks Poopy as her judge, which must delight the dirty old French lezzie. Poopy asks her how winning Miss Universe would help her with her career goals, to which Denny responds that it would put to rest “the matter that we discussed earlier” and would be a victory upon a victory. Damn, I love her to death, but she just didn’t answer the question; she gave a good answer to a different question, which upsets me. It doesn’t seem like the judges liked it much either; poor Poopy doesn’t enter her 9.9 (an educated guess) in time, but it would not have mattered in the end. Pat O’Brien asks Lía what the most important decision she’s ever had to make in her life is. That’s one of those questions that is likely to be difficult for a twenty-year-old to answer with anything interesting, unless s/he has lived a really dramatic life. I mean, my answer to that question at twenty would likely have been deciding to apply early decision to Northwestern (go Cats!!); and while it worked out for me, it’s not going to light anyone else’s world on fire to hear, you know? Lía goes for entering the Miss Panama contest and being able to represent her country at the pageant “with this very nice audience.” See what I mean? I sincerely believe that IS the most important decision she’s ever made; but it’s just not an interesting answer, and she’s not an interesting enough person to sell it well enough. The judges seem to like her less than Denny, thankfully. Verna picks Mike Love, which I have to believe is a name he assigned himself since any sensible person would have changed it upon legal emancipation. He’s also wearing a beret, which is so twee. He asks her, other than being Miss Curaçao, of what achievement is she “most proud” (ugh, it’s “proudEST,” you tool!) in her life. Verna makes the fateful decision to answer in English, and she really struggles to communicate her answer. She says her proudest achievement is starting her own company as a young woman in a traditionally male-dominated field and being accepted for who she is and her good work. Frankly, I’m hugely impressed with what she’s done because it is amazing for a young woman to own a construction company, of all things. That is unexpected and laudable. However, her delivery of her answer is really poor; the judges actually score her pretty well, which I think speaks to the intention of her answer, rather than the answer itself. Even Poopy isn’t as harsh as she usually is! Heretic, though, will be scoring every woman who is not Marena-bot horribly because she’s the Wicked Witch of this pageant. Speaking of Marena-bot, she is up next and chooses Tommy Ford; he asks what she would do if she knew one of the other delegates received the questions in advance. To my horror, she actually chooses this exact moment to show a personality and gives a pretty funny answer (complete with several different facial expressions): she’d ask the other girl to share the questions with her so that they could help each other and the other delegates as well. She scores the highest so far, and I’m bereft. Well, I guess even a stopped Marena-bot is right twice a day. Margot chooses James Billie, who asks what one thing she would do to change the status of women in her country. It’s the same question that served as the final question at Miss Universe 1995. Margot says she would encourage her countrywomen to believe in themselves and talks about how models need to rise above the “airhead” label and women are capable of doing anything they want to and it’s not a man’s world anymore, so let’s call a truce. She rambled through it and didn’t really answer the question or make a whole lot of sense; however, she has the asset of a really intelligent-sounding accent (never underestimate the power of an intelligent-sounding accent; see: Fitzwilliam, Wendy and Dutta, Lara), and she is just charismatic enough mostly to pull it off. It looks like she scores just enough to beat out Verna, which saddens me greatly. George dismisses Margot by assuring her we don’t think she’s an airhead and asks Brook to come forward. She chooses Ingrid Seynhaeve;; when handed the card with Ingrid’s name on it, George says, “You have chosen judge #7, Seng Hahvoo. Is that right? Hahvay?” Like, the “Ingrid” part of her name escaped his eyes because her last name is one of those scary foreign names with unfamiliar vowel combinations and he was so focused on screwing that part up. *sigh* I spent my formative years in North Carolina; and as we say in the South, “Bless his heart.” Lovely Ingrid Seynhaevesenghahvoohahvay asks Brook the question that slew the mighty Carolina Isaac: If she could know one thing about her future, what would that be? This is also a question that I don’t like because it’s very hard to answer it in an interesting way without spewing out a bunch of patty garbage. Also, EVERYONE says they’d never want to know anything about their future, which is a copout. However, Brook is frankly the best spontaneous speaker this pageant system’s ever seen and answers thusly: “I think I’d want to know if I was going to remain as happy as I am right now. Um, my heart is in my throat, my spirits are flying; and if I can relive the rest of my life the way I’m feeling right now, I think I’m going to die with a big smile on my face.” Stick a fork in this pageant, it’s done. Seriously, if such a thing exists, she gave the perfect answer to that question and delivered it in a completely honest and heartfelt way. She. Is. The. Best. Her scores are sky high from everyone (even Poopy!) except Heretic; no one else comes close. Marla gives us one last reminder of that stupid poll about maintaining appearances; I have no idea what the outcome of this poll was, but I assume it’s a resounding yes.
Our final three are Marena-bot (back to her one expression), Brook (who actually looks genuinely surprised), and Margot (who indeed just barely squeaked in over Verna). I would have swapped Verna in for Margot because the core of her answer was so much better; it’s just the delivery and lack of comfort with her English that did her in. My preferred top three would have been Brook, Verna, and Denny; but Denny didn’t answer her question at all, and Verna should have used her boy woman interpreter. Honestly, though, I think Brook was unstoppable at this point no matter with whom she was in the final three because she was such a superior speaker, which mattered at this time in Miss Universe history; however, I still think Verna at least should have had Margot’s spot. George sends Brook and Margot and Margot’s hideous cape into the booth; and Brook actually has to scoot Margot’s cape aside with her foot so that she has a square foot in that booth on which to stand unimpeded. The final question is “If there were no rules in your life for one day and you could be outrageous, what would you do?” How nice and substantive. Marena-bot says she would simply take a trip around the world and go to Israel; and since it would be in one day, she would magically travel from place to place to place. That is so lame and not outrageous. Bleh. The audience doesn’t seem to like it either, as there are what seem to me to be angry whistles happening. Brook is next and, again, gives what has to be the perfect answer to this question: “I would eat everything in the world. You do not understand! I would eat everything twice!” She completes it with a hand motion to her belly that is hysterical. Her delivery of that answer is hilarious perfection and George and the audience go wild and she’s going to win, so let’s move on. Margot comes out and gives the answer I was praying one of them would give. She says, “I won’t wear clothes! (Laughs.) I mean, clothes, I mean, it’s necessary because we know…that we have to be private and all that; but if we had no rules, I would want to be free, and I’m sure everybody else would. (Laughs.)” HAAAAAHAhaha!!!!! That is exactly the wrong answer to give at a beauty pageant where women are supposed to sell sexy implicitly in little bikinis, but god forbid you mention nudity and make it explicit, because then they will crucify you for it. And that is exactly what has happened to Margot. Hilariously, as the camera pans to her, you can literally see the thought bubble over Margot’s head. Her face is frozen in this weird smile and she’s still got those heinous spider brows, and she’s TOTALLY thinking, “Holy f***, did I REALLY just say that?!?!” As Marena-bot steps forward to be placed, the rumblings of “USA! USA!” get louder and louder until the whole auditorium is chanting throughout most of Marena-bot’s final pose. The cheers for Brook are deafening as she steps forward. Margot knows she just committed verbal diarrhea and is accepting second runner-up. The “USA!” chants start up again, and we are off to our final commercial break.
Evil Manifest shows us the prize package and then gives her final walk. I have never been so glad to see an outgoing queen relinquish her crown. She is blah-blah thankful, blah-blah wisdom, blah-blah great experience, and ends by saying that her concern will always be for the children of the world because they are the hope for the future. And then, I vomit all over myself because it sounds so thrown in. Buh-bye. Miss Teen USA Christie Woods is helping to crown Brook…uh, I mean, “the winner.” Margot is obviously second runner-up. As they’re standing there, Brook seems to say to Marena-bot, “I know you’ll be a wonderful Miss Universe.” Marena-bot just shakes her head with her one expression because even robots know when they’ve been bested. Maybe someday she’ll be a real girl. Of course, Marena-bot is our first runner-up, and a shocked Brook wins Miss Universe. Evil Manifest gets in one final dig at me by literally dumping the crown on Brook’s head and walking away to console Marena-bot; honestly, I think Evil Manifest is more upset that Marena-bot didn’t win than Marena-bot herself. I will say, though, that she didn’t have a bitchy expression on her face when she dumped the crown (unlike Piggy Rivera), and you all know I don’t say anything nice about Evil Manifest if I can possibly help it. The rest of the delegates, though, look thrilled, and I can see Denny doing almost a little jig. Denny, call me!!! As soon as she sits down, Brook is mobbed by the other girls. Denny is the second one on the scene and fully throws the first girl who has just kissed Brook out of the way to congratulate Brook. Denny, PLEASE CALL ME!!!!
Brook winning Miss Universe is one of the most wonderful surprises in my years of watching beauty pageants. She was always my favorite, but I didn’t think she could win only two years after Chelsi won. While Brook is not the most beautiful Miss Universe, I do think she’s stunning in that very particularly Hawaiian way of being a genetic melting pot of many different ethnicities. She has a truly dazzling smile, she’s brilliant, she’s funny, she’s strong and opinionated, and she is so genuinely and unapologetically herself, and I respect the hell out that. She won this crown through the sheer force of her immeasurable charisma; for my money, she is the most charismatic woman ever to win this title, even more so than the Voice of God Herself, Lara Dutta. She is one of my very, very favorite Miss Universe winners, in part because she is such an atypical beauty queen. There will never be another Brook, and I wouldn’t want it any other way!
[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
| | Replies: |
- I love these reviews! Much as I love Brook's delivery of her top 6 answer, to me it doesn't make sense -- you'd want to know if you're going to be as happy as you are right now -- so what if the answer is no? What do you do w/ that? I understand that beauty pageant answers aren't really subject to that much scrutiny or whatever, but it always bothered me that this answer that makes far less sense than the beauteous Carolina Izsak's advanced the former but "slew" the latter. *weeps* I'm clearly still not over it! (NT) -- mjoon, 19:10:25 11/22/09 Sun
- Awesome job as usual! Some random throughts: 1) Danny is my absolute fave Miss Italy ever. And you're right, the translator did soften the tail to her top 10 interview, which she ended with 'chissene frega' which is a...strong...way to say 'who cares'. Love her. 2) Brook's gown was terrible, but she looked gorgeous that night and she has an incredible smile. 3) Verna had the best body ever in the history of pageantry 4) Weak top 10. I would've probably saved Denny, Verna, Brook and Nafisa (RIP, btw...so sad). T&T was pretty but I don't think she was even breathing, I wanted to shake her 5) Marbot was all hair and crooked smiles, but that gown is to this day the single best fit I've seen on a MU stage 6) The second Miss Sweden started singing, my walls started sweating blood. (NT) --
 Fra, 19:26:23 11/22/09 Sun
- Haha, I just KNEW Denny said something...stronger...than what the translator said; he completely looked like he was trying to figure out an elegant way to say, "F*** off!" Denny is absolutely the best Miss Italy ever, and I really do want to be besties with her and Brook...think of all the fun we'd have! I feel like Denny, Verna, and Brook were on a completely different level from the rest of the delegates, and I also would have kept only them and Margot (weak group overall) and possibly Nafisa (beautiful, but her gown is SO horrendous). I really wasn't sure how appropriate it was to say anything negative about Nafisa; it is so sad what happened to her, just really tragic. I do think a more interesting top ten could have happened with Philippines, Costa Rica, Australia, Czech Republic, and New Zealand, all of whom were gorgeous. (NT) -- CAguy, 20:13:37 11/22/09 Sun
|
|
