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Date Posted: 03:26:34 09/16/12 Sun
Author: runlinds@gmail.com
Subject: CALL (678) 851-8970

Kaley Cuoco: I don't want to live! I don't want to live!

Michael Yo: Because of me? You must be joking! Who wouldn't want to live because of me? I'm nothing!

Kaley Cuoco: No. You're something.

Michael Yo: You can do better than me. You could throw a dart out the window and hit someone better than me. I'm no good!

Kaley Cuoco: You're good. You're good!

Michael Yo: I'm bad. I'm bad!

Kaley Cuoco: You're killing me!

We cut to Monk's where Michael, Ryan, and Whitney are dining it being a diner, and all, Ryan is over making a phone call while Michael and Whitney talk at the table.

Michael Yo: So what could I do? I couldn't go through with it. She threatened to kill herself.

Whitney Cummings: Over you?

Michael Yo: Yes. Why, is that so inconceivable?

Er, Michael, I don't think that word means what you think it means.

Cut to Ryan who is over at the phone trying to get Kaley Cuoco at University of Miami. Meanwhile, Whitney and Michael exchange thoughts on what they got Ryan for his birthday.

Michael Yo: I got two tickets to see “Hair”.

Whitney Cummings: I got him a two-line phone.

Ryan returns to the booth and explains the phone call.

Ryan Seacrest: Unbelievable! She's not there.

Michael Yo: What paper does she write for?

Ryan Seacrest: The works for the University of Miami school newspaper. She's a grad student in journalism. Never been to a comedy club. Never even seen me, has no idea who I am.

Whitney Cummings: Never even seen you? Gotta kinda envy that.

Ryan Seacrest: Y'know, you've been developing quite the acid-tongue lately.

Whitney Cummings: [Proudly] Really?

The camera pans out some so that we can see the three at their table and a girl sitting with her back to Michael at the next table. She starts to become interested in what the people behind her are talking about as Whitney pops the following philosophical dilemma to her companions:

Whitney Cummings: Hey, who do you think is the most unattractive world leader?

Ryan Seacrest: Living or all time?

Whitney Cummings: All time.

Ryan Seacrest: Well, if it's all time, then there's no contest. It begins and ends with Brezhnev.

Whitney Cummings: I dunno. You ever get a good look at DeGaulle?

Michael Yo: Lyndon Johnson was uglier than Degaulle.

Whitney Cummings: I got news for you. Golda Meir could make 'em all run up a tree.

Whitney notices the woman sitting behind Michael is eavesdropping on their conversation and discreetly alerts Michael and Ryan. She decides to add some spice to the conversation. The makes sure to say it loud enough so that the spy at the next table is sure to hear.

Whitney Cummings: Y'know, just because you two are homosexuals, so what? I mean you should just come out of the closet and be openly gay already.

Ryan rolls his eyes and turns away in disbelief while Michael on the other hand addresses Ryan directly:

Michael Yo: So, whaddya say? You know you'll always be the only man I'll ever love.

Ryan Seacrest: [indignantly] What's the matter with you?

Michael Yo: [quietly] C'mon, go along.

Ryan Seacrest: I'm not goin' along. I can just see you in Berlin in 1939 goose- stepping past me. C'mon Ryan, go along, go along.

Whitney dismisses Ryan as a big poop for not playing along, and Ryan raises a topic while the eavesdropper gets up and goes to make a phone call.

Ryan Seacrest: Y'know I hear that all the time.

Whitney Cummings: Hear what?

Ryan Seacrest: That I'm gay. People think I'm gay.

Whitney Cummings: Yeah, you know people ask me that about you, too.

Ryan Seacrest: Yeah, 'cuz I'm single, I'm thin and I'm neat.

Whitney Cummings: And you get along well with women.

Michael Yo: I guess that leaves me in the clear.

Meanwhile over at the phone booth, the eavesdropper reveals that she is one Kaley Cuoco and she's calling the newspaper that she got to the diner late and missed out on meeting up with Ryan. As she's hanging up, Michael and Ryan make a trip to the bathroom have two guys ever actually gone to the bathroom together? Hmmmm.

We switch back to Ryan's apartment. Ryan's unpacking groceries no cereal to be seen and Michael comes in.

Michael Yo: I just thought of a great name for myself, if I ever become a porno actor.

Ryan Seacrest: Oh yeah, what? Buck Naked?

Michael Yo: Yeah, how did you know that?

Ryan Seacrest: You told me that already like two months ago.

Michael is obviously disappointed that his name didn't go over bigger and he gets Ryan's opinion on a tres-gauche shirt. Ryan is less than impressed.

Michael Yo: Chelsea bought it for me.

Ryan Seacrest: How you gonna get out of that one?

Michael Yo: I dunno. I guess I have to wait for her to die.

Kaley buzzes and comes up to Ryan's apartment. Michael decides to stay. There's a knock at the door and when Ryan answers it, the two decide if they've ever met before. It's pretty obvious Kaley remembers Ryan and Michael as that funny couple from Monk's. Ryan hasn't placed her face, however. Kaley is introduced to Michael and.

Ryan Seacrest: He's gonna hang around if that's alright with you?

Chelsea Handler: Sure, I'd like to talk to him, too.

Kaley asks Ryan if he does anything besides stand-up and when Ryan replies that he and Michael are doing a pilot for Cinemax, Kaley says oh, so you also work together. which seems to puzzle Ryan a bit. Before another question can be asked, Michael has helped himself to some fruit.

Michael Yo: Ryan did you wash this pear?

Ryan Seacrest: Yeah, I washed it.

Michael Yo: It looks like it hasn't been washed.

Ryan Seacrest: So wash it.

Michael Yo: You hear the way he talks to me?

Chelsea Handler: You should hear how my boyfriend talks to me.

Again, Ryan seems confused as to what Kaley is saying. Something's not quite right. But, before another question can be asked, again Michael has a question - this time for Kaley.

Michael Yo: Let me ask you something. What do you think of this shirt?

Chelsea Handler: It's nice.

Michael Yo: Ryan said he didn't like it.

Ryan Seacrest: I didn't say I didn't like it. I said it was O.K.

Michael Yo: No, you said you didn't like it.

Ryan Seacrest: Oh, so what if I don't like it. Is that like the end of the world, or something?

Bombardier. Open bomb doors. The big one is about to be dropped.

Chelsea Handler: So how did you two meet?

Ryan Seacrest: Actually, we met in the gym locker room.

Michael Yo: Yeah. Actually it was in gym class. I was trying to climb the ropes and Ryan was spotting me. I kept slipping and burning my thighs and then finally I slipped and fell on Ryan's head. We've been close ever since.

Michael takes a hold of Ryan's leg to stress the point and Kaley, who obviously thinks she has a real story here now, asks another question:

Chelsea Handler: Do you guys live together?

Ryan Seacrest: [quizzically] Live together?

Michael Yo: No, I got my own place.

Ryan is about this close picture my thumb and forefinger really close together to figuring out what is going on here, when the question fatale is asked:

Chelsea Handler: And do your parents know?

Ryan Seacrest: Know what?

Michael Yo: My parents? They don't know what's goin' on.

It's at this point, I swear I heard a big clunk noise in Ryan's head as his eyes light up like sunbeams. Sherlock Seacrest has solved the mystery. Actually, since he took so long to figure it out he's probably closer to Encyclopedia Brown than Sherlock Holmes, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. Heck, it usually took the guys on Three's Company 25 minutes to figure out something this complex.

Ryan Seacrest: Oh God, you're that girl in the coffee shop that was eavesdropping on us. I knew you looked familiar!

All three rise from the couch and a rather excited Michael and Ryan try to explain things to a very confused reporter.

Ryan Seacrest: There's been a big misunderstanding here! We did that whole thing for your benefit. We knew you were eavesdropping. That's why my friend said all that. It was on purpose! We're not gay! Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Michael Yo: No, of course not.

Ryan Seacrest: I mean that's fine if that's who you are.

Michael Yo: Absolutely.

Ryan Seacrest: I mean I have many gay friends.

Michael Yo: My father is gay.

But alas, our heroes pleas for help have fallen upon deaf ears.

Chelsea Handler: Look, I know what I heard.

Ryan Seacrest: It was a joke.

Michael Yo: Look, you wanna have sex right now? Do want to have sex with me right now? Let's go! C'mon, let's go baby! C'mon!

Not that that approach was going to work, or anything, but what minute chance they had of convincing her is blown away as the door bursts open and:

Carson Daly: Hey, C'mon! Let's go! I thought we were going to take a steam!

Michael Yo: No!

Ryan Seacrest: No steam!

Carson Daly: Well I don't want to sit there naked all by myself!

We fast forward a couple of hours and Ryan and Whitney are talking in the apartment. Whitney offers to talk to her and Ryan reveals that he has convinced her to think about it before she prints anything in the University of Miami paper. And, for some unknown reason, Whitney refuses to take her jacket off. Carson enters, graceful as always.

Carson Daly: Happy birthday paruba!

Ryan Seacrest: Today's not my birthday.

Carson Daly: Well, I beg to differ.

Carson convinces Ryan it's his birthday and, after Whitney refuses to take her jacket off again, Carson presents the big guy with his present.

Ryan Seacrest: Look at this! A phone! A two-line phone!

Whitney can be seen mouthing the word sh t and is, for some reason, not impressed with the gift. She picks up her purse to leave good thing she didn't take off that jacket. :

Ryan Seacrest: Hey, where you going?

Whitney Cummings: I gotta go return something.

Carson goes to his apartment and Ryan calls him to try out the phone. And, as luck would have it, a call comes in on the other line.

Chelsea Handler: Ryan, it's Kaley from University of Miami. I'm just calling to tell you that I'm not going to play up that angle we talked about and I'm sorry.

Ryan Seacrest: Thank you very much, that's great- (Click) Oh! Hold on a sec, I got a call on the other line. (Click) (Click) Hello?

Michael Yo: Hey.

Ryan Seacrest: Hey, how ya doin'? Y'know I got that reporter from the newspaper on the other line.

Michael Yo: So, what did she say?

Ryan Seacrest: She says she's not going to play up that angle of the story. She thinks we're heterosexual. [sarcastically] I guess we fooled her. I'll get rid of her, hold on. (Click) (Click) Kaley? Hello? Kaley, are you there? (Click) (Click) I'm back.

Michael Yo: Y'know. I could hear you on the other line.

Ryan Seacrest: What are you talkin' about?

Michael Yo: I heard what you said: Kaley, are you there?

Ryan Seacrest: You heard me talkin' on the other line, are you sure?

Michael Yo: Yes, I heard you!

Ryan Seacrest: Well, maybe she was disconnected.

Michael Yo: Maybe she wasn't! Maybe she heard the whole conversation!

Ryan Seacrest: Alright, hang on. Let me call Carson and see if you can hear anything, hold on. (Click) (Click) (Click) ,

Obviously, it's best to hear this, but through the whole next part G+J get into excitable, high-pitch, speed talk. Gotta love it.

Carson Daly: Yello?

Ryan Seacrest: Carson, there may be a problem with the phone, hold on. (Click) (Click)

Michael Yo: There may be a problem with the phone, hold on!

Ryan Seacrest: Oh no! (Click) (Click) Carson, this phone's a piece of junk, goodbye!

Michael Yo: The phone's a piece of junk, goodbye!

Ryan Seacrest: Oh no! Now she's heard everything! What are we gonna do?

Michael Yo: Now she thinks we're gay, not that there's anything wrong with it.

Ryan Seacrest: No, no, of course not! People's personal sexual preferences are nobody's business but their own!

We shift to Kaley's apartment where Whitney is paying a visit.

Chelsea Handler: Why don't you take a seat?

Whitney Cummings: Thank-you.

Chelsea Handler: Why don't you take your coat off?

We shift back to Monk's where Whitney, Michael, and Ryan are having a coffee

Whitney Cummings: So she kept insisting I take off my coat. I refused, and then she forcibly tried to get me to remove it.

Ryan Seacrest: She wouldn't take her coat off at my house, either.

Michael Yo: Y'know there are tribes in Indonesia where if you keep your coat on in somebody's house, the families go to war!

You're not related to the Simmons family, are you Michael?

Ryan Seacrest: So you don't take your coat off, and now everyone at University of Miami thinks I'm gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Michael Yo: Not at all.

Ryan tries to forcibly remove the coat in pursuit of some satisfaction. Michael springs his birthday gift on Ryan.

Michael Yo: Two tickets to “Hair”! I'm gonna go with you!

Ryan Seacrest: “Hair”? Isn't that a lavish, Broadway musical?

Michael Yo: It's “Hair” , not “Mama Mia.”

Perhaps Whitney's gift oozes with some testosterone.

Ryan Seacrest: The Collected Works Of Bette Midler.

Nope. Unfortunately for Ryan, things are about to get worse. Whitney notices that there are a couple of guys pointing at Ryan from the other side of the cafe. Ryan goes to investigate.

Ryan Seacrest: What do you got there?

Man #1: The Miami Herald , they've got an article about you.

Ryan Seacrest: Although they maintain separate residences, the comedian and his long-time companion seem to be inseparable. Oh no! The Associated Press picked up the University of Miami story. That's going to be in every paper! I've been outed! I wasn't even in!

Michael Yo: Now everyone's going to think we're gay!

Ryan Seacrest: Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Michael Yo: No, not at all.

Back in the apartment, Whitney, Michael, and Ryan read from The Herald

Ryan Seacrest: Within the confines of his fastidious bachelor pad , Seacrest and Yo Simmons bicker over the cleanliness of a piece of fruit like an old married couple - I told you that pear was washed!

Entrez-vous, Carson

Carson Daly: I thought we were friends.

Ryan Seacrest: Here we go.

Carson Daly: I mean, how could you two keep this a secret from me?

Ryan Seacrest: It's not true!

Carson Daly: Aaaah! Enough lying! The lying is through! C'mon, Ryan, the masquerade is over. You're thin, late thirties, single.

Ryan Seacrest: So are you.

Carson Daly: Yeah-

It's at this point that Carson, well, Pulls a Carson. He does that mini-epileptic, losing his balance, waaaaugh thing and he retreats to his apartment, probably to confront his own sexuality. In Ryan's apartment, the phone rings, Michael answers.

Michael Yo: Hello?

Mrs. Seacrest: Michael?

Michael Yo: Mrs. Seacrest?

Mrs. Seacrest: Oh, my God.

Ryan Seacrest: Oh, my God! [takes the phone] Ma?

Mrs. Seacrest: Ryan?

Ryan Seacrest: Ma!

And suddenly, it dawns on Castanza-

Michael Yo: Oh, my God! My MOTHER!

Back at Mr. and Mrs. Seacrest's place, the conversation continues.

Mrs. Seacrest: Ryan?

Ryan Seacrest: Ma, it's not true!

Mr. Seacrest: It's those damn culottes you made him wear when he was five!

Mrs. Seacrest: They weren't culottes, they were shorts.

Mr. Seacrest: They were culottes! You bought them in the girl's department.

Mrs. Seacrest: By mistake! By mistake, Ryan! I'm sorry!

Mr. Seacrest: It looked like he was wearing a skirt, for crying out loud!

Ryan Seacrest: Ma, it has nothing to do with the culottes!

Mrs. Seacrest: Not that there's anything wrong with that, Ryan.

Back at the Metropolitan Hospital Center, Michael pays his mother a visit. She seems to be in the same bed from episode. yes, that includes the thin sheet covering that allowed for that infamous silhouette.

Mrs. Yo Simmons: I open up the paper, and this is what I have to read about? I fell right off the toilet. My back went out again, I couldn't move. The super had to come and get help me up. I was half naked!

Michael Yo: It's not true!

Mrs. Yo Simmons: Every day it's something else with you. I don't know anything about you any more. Who are you? What kind of life are you leading? Who knows what you're doing? Maybe you're making porno films.

Michael Yo: Yeah. I'm Buck Naked.

Mrs. Yo Simmons: Ryan, I can see. He's so neat and thin. Not that there's anything wrong with it.

Michael Yo: Of course not.

In comes a hulking male nurse. He parts the screen and announces:

Nurse: 6:30, Scott. Time for your sponge bath.

Ack! It's deja vu all over again! Except instead of a couple of women behind the screen as in the M episode , there are two guys. Michael is transfixed. Mrs. Yo. has to scream to get his attention off of the show going on beside him. Later, back at Monk's, Whitney, Michael, and Ryan converge yet again. Ryan informs Whitney and Michael that Kaley has left a message on his machine. Michael has other things on his mind.

Michael Yo: Alright, now the play is tomorrow night. So do you want to have dinner first, or do you just want to meet at the theatre?

Before Ryan can utter his response, a military guy approaches the table.

Sailor: Excuse me, sir? I don't mean to bother you. I just wanted you to know that it took a lot of guts to come out the way you did, and that you've inspired me to do the same, even though that may mean a discharge from the service. Thanks.

And, just as quickly as he appeared, he leaves before Ryan can respond Colonel Flagg, anyone? He does have an answer to Michael's previous question, though.

Ryan Seacrest: Y'know, I think I'll pass on the “Hair”.

Michael throws a hissy fit and it told to pipe down by a rather bulky manager from the diner and resolves to take Whitney instead. Whitney then queries Michael if Chelsea has seen the article yet.

Michael Yo: No. Just imagine her reaction.

Whitney Cummings: Yeah.

Michael Yo: Oh, my God.

Ryan Seacrest: What?

Michael Yo: She hasn't seen the article! When she sees it, she's gonna think - I'm out baby! I'm out!

So, we flash forward to Michael dropping off Chelsea. She is mulling over the article that Michael has given her.

Kaley Cuoco: Yeah? So?

Michael Yo: Yeah so?

Kaley Cuoco: Well this is nice. They mention your name.

Michael Yo: Don't you see what it says here? Don't you understand what that's implying?

Kaley Cuoco: No, what?

Michael Yo: I'm gay! I'm a gay man! I'm very, very gay.

Kaley Cuoco: You're gay?

Michael Yo: Extraordinarily gay. Steeped in gayness.

Kaley Cuoco: [matter-of-factly] I don't believe it.

Michael Yo: You don't believe me? Ask Ryan.

Kaley Cuoco: I will.

Michael Yo: What do you mean you will? That's a bad idea. Ryan is a very private person.

Kaley Cuoco: [Grabs Michael's lapels] I want to hear it from Ryan.

Back at Ryan's apartment, Kaley and Ryan are, well, making out on the couch. Apparently, she's all turned around on the subject.

Chelsea Handler: Oh, can you ever forgive me?

Ryan Seacrest: I dunno. [they kiss again] Alright , I forgive you.

Chelsea Handler: Y'know the funny thing is, I was attracted to you immediately.

Ryan Seacrest: I was attracted to you, too. You remind me of Lois Lane.

But before the love birds can get back into things, the door has burst open. No, it's not Carson, although Ryan perhaps wishes it were. Yes, Michael has shown up with Chelsea to prove he and Ryan's special relationship.

Michael Yo: Ryan! Oh, my God! What are you doing?!

Ryan Seacrest: What?

Michael Yo: You're with a woman!

Ryan Seacrest: I know! What are you doin' here?

Michael Yo: I leave you alone for two seconds, and this is what you do! I trusted you!

Ryan Seacrest: [forcibly removing G. from the apt] Would you get the Hell out of here!

Chelsea Handler: What's going on?

Kaley Cuoco: Yeah, what's going on?

Michael Yo: Alright, tell her. Go ahead.

Ryan Seacrest: Tell her what?

Michael Yo: Y'know. About us.

Michael has emphasized his point by reaching up and putting his hand in J's hair. Ryan flips out at this point. His arms are flailing about and he's well, gone loopy. Michael embraces Ryan to keep it going, but Ryan's not buying any of it. Kaley leaves, much to Ryan's chagrin. Chelsea asks again for an explanation.

Michael Yo: Alright, I'll tell you the truth. I'm not gay. My name's Buck Naked, I'm a porno actor.

Kaley Cuoco: Really?

Chelsea takes Michael's arm not quite the reaction he wanted, I'm sure, Carson walks by the open door to go to his apartment. He is escorted by what appears to be a virile young man. Carson addresses Michael and Ryan and Chelsea before he goes into his apartment.

Carson Daly: We'll see you later.

Michael and Ryan look disbelievingly at each other, obviously at a loss for words over Carson's new, er, interest. Carson notices this and.

Carson Daly: He's the phone man!

Michael and Ryan see the light and are visibly relieved.

Carson Daly: Not that there's anything wrong with that.

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