| Subject: Can I share, to save others from loosing their careers, also? |
Author:
Denise G
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Date Posted: 14:44:26 07/16/09 Thu
(NoHost/65.114.219.190)
This will be the first time I have shared how I allowed my addiction to destroy my career, hurt those who love me and ruined the hope of restoring my license.
I am now 5 years clean and sober, and am now in the "Transitional" Phase of one of the toughest long-term residential treatment programs in the US.I spent time in prison and have lost everything because of the choice I made when I got to that moment when I couldn't imagine life sober and couldn't live like I had been any more.
I never had a criminal record and never had been handcuffed or been in jail, but at the age of 47 was sentanced to prison for robbing our local Pharmacy. Pretty desperate behavior, even for someone with the goal of suicide in mind.
I have had problems all my life with alcohol and opiates. I spent most (23 of the 29 years) since the first time in recovery,clean and sober. However, since I had to learn by my own experience rather than others, I'm here to tell you that this Disease is absolutely progressive. My license is a casualty of my disease and one of the "costs" I have paid.
I have relapsed on pain meds 3 times in 29 years and the last time it was as a direct result of a terrible accident that resulted in the death of my 4 year old daughter and myself with injuries very serious and too numerous to tell you here. I was on a vent 3 weeks, when I woke up Kassandra was gone and buried, I had 15 surgeries and excuses to use lots of drugs and used every single one of those excuses until huge amounts of meds no longer revieved my pain(grief). The sorrow-pain was the one that was killing me and I was going to run from it as long as possible.
Unfortunately running never works- we are always close behind, because wherever I go-there I am. And, of course the feelings come along, too.
I need not go into how much, how long, when or where I "practiced" my addiction-we all are expert at that. The solution is what we need to learn to practice. That's the part that doesn't come naturally-at least not for a while.
Today I am looking for a job and my heart is heavy with the possibilities I threw away. The talent and excellent patient care I will not get to give. Especially when as a patient myself, I see what we are NOT passing on to those that are now coming into the profession.I wish we were not afraid and ignorant of this disease-I do not have my license but I still have the knowledge that sadly goes to waste as I can't work, even as a CNA or a Phlebotomist.I will be very lucky to work at a fast food place for $7.25/hr or a housekeeper, maybe at a hotel. I would be grateful today for that, as I am for my life.It "takes what it takes" to learn the necessary lessons in this life.
It's funny how we always get what we need rather than what we want. In recovery I see that and I'm grtaeful to be even looking for a job. I have really become aware that all my life I have always had all I ever really wanted. It's too bad some of us take extreme measures to learn.
My hope and my prayer is that this can keep someone else from some of the difficulties I have walked through and am even now walking through --- Go to meetings, reach out for support--espesially when you think you have it "under control", get a sponsor-do what he/she says, do the work-it's the only thing that I KNOW works. Don't set yourself up by working with narcotics frquently-there will come a moment when you may not make the right choice. Why chance your whole life? The funny thing about this disease is, it tells us we don't have it if we are not reminded OFTEN. More often than my mind thinks is necessary-"1st thought wrong!"-almost always.
May you know Peace today, Denise
PS If you know of a job-I'm definitely looking
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