| Subject: Re: somedays i wsh i stayed in bed.... |
Author:
Joe
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Date Posted: 16:01:41 04/05/01 Thu
Author Host/IP: NoHost/152.163.213.194
In reply to:
Beth
's message, "Re: somedays i wsh i stayed in bed...." on 14:57:35 04/05/01 Thu
Well, we went and visited my sister and, later that weekend, her mother. She felt I was ignoring or blowing her off during the trip. I really wasn't, I was a bit detatched, though--I'd gotten some bad news and wasn't dealing with it very well.
I found out today she's been cheating on me. I found myself devoid of violent emotion about it, I wasn't angry or upset... I guess when it was just Ashley, I could think of it as her problem and get upset. Now that its happened with someone else, I have to wonder if there isn't something wrong with me. I wonder if I'm not enough for people: McCharen (though she didn't cheat), Ashley, Cathy...
I don't know what I did to deserve it, God... I really don't. I'm not that bad a person, I'm not. Dammit, I don't and I'm not.
It doesn't help that everywhere I turn I have to see a perky happy Ashley, perfectly content with her life and her Shithead and regretting nothing about losing me. Guilty for nothing. Remorseful for no act. Its as though I passed cleanly out of her world and she's better off for it.
...I fucking hate all of this. I'm almost ready to give up trying all this "good guy", "do the right thing", "sensitive, caring" shit. I was so much happier when I was smoking pot with old friends in the back of my best buddy's car, living for myself, lying, cheating, and clawing my way to being happy and not caring who gets stepped on.
I was happier. I was stronger. And I never, never got hurt.
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