a story i wrote for you, my fav band;death takes a piss; -- Pignut Message Board

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Date Posted: 15:55:40 07/17/01 Tue
Author: Im a lying shit!
Subject: a story i wrote for you, my fav band;death takes a piss;

So there I was, takin' a whiz, just mindin' my own business. I heard this guy come in behind me, but I didn't pay any attention; it ain't like I keep a running tab on everybody who uses the urinals in this building. Ain't none o' my concern, is what I'm sayin'.

I could see the guy outta the corner o' my eye. Looked like he was wearin' all black or somethin'. Ain't nothin' unusual, I thought. It's an office buildin'. Everybody wears black suits. Then he sets his scythe against the wall, between his pisser and mine.

Yeah, his freakin' scythe. That got my attention, I'll tell ya that for free. I turned and looked at the guy, and I realized he was a damn skeleton. I mean, all I could see was his face and hands, but they were just bones, with no skin at all. No muscle or nothin'. He fiddled around inside his robe like he's pullin' out his wanger, then he stepped a little closer to the pisser and I heard water hittin' the urinal, like he was pissin'. Like Death was takin' a friggin' piss right next to me, is what I'm sayin'.

I was still drainin' my lizard, but I decided right then to just choke it off and haul my butt outta there. I didn't even realize I was still lookin' at him until I was zippin' up and he asked me, "See somethin' you like?" I was pretty surprised to learn that Death had a Southern accent, I'll tell you that. Especially here in Trenton freakin' New Jersey.

I think I mumbled somethin' like "No, sorry," and got ready to book out the door when he asked me, "Ain't you gonna wash your hands, Lenny?" Now, I knew that, being Death and all, he would naturally know who I was, but it still shook me up a little.

"Uh, yeah, thanks," I said, and headed back to the sinks, tryin' my best not to look at him.

"One other thing, Lenny," he said, "Sorry to bother you, but could you tell me where exactly Carl Atchison works?" He was still pissin', rockin' back and forth on his heels and lookin' dead at me. If you'll pardon the expression.

"Uh, Carl?" I asked. "Short guy, goin' a little bald like me?"

"Yeah, that's him."

"Yeah, uh, he's up in Personnel. Fourth floor. I don't know what office."

"Ok, thanks," he said, and fiddled around in his robe some more. Then he walked over to the sink beside mine and started washin' his big skeleton hands.

I wanted to get outta there like you wouldn't believe, but I gotta admit, part of me thought it was pretty damn cool, standin' there in the bathroom washin' my hands and havin' a conversation with Death. He seemed like a pretty regular guy, so I decided to talk to him some more.

"So, uh, you're Death, huh?" I asked him feelin' like a moron. I just couldn't think of anything better to say, y'know what I mean?

"Yep, that's my job. My friends call me Joe, though." We both finished washin' up and headed to the air dryer by the door. "And you're Lenny Baker."

"Yeah."

"Man, I hate these things," he said. "Why can't they put some damn paper towels in like they used to? I ain't got time to stand around under this wussy little thing, y'know?"

"Yeah, I know what you mean. I usually just shake 'em off and dry 'em on my pants leg."

He laughed. "Yeah, I hear you." He wiped his hands across the butt of his robe. "Good thing about wearin' black all the time. Nothin' shows up on it."

"I guess not." He was headin' towards the door, so I said, "Hey, Death, don't forget your scythe."

"Hell," he said, turning back, "I'd forget my head if it wasn't tied on. Thanks. And I told you, my friends call me Joe."

"Um, okay, Joe." That part of me that thought this was all cool was pretty happy about that. I was Death's friend. I couldn't wait to tell the wife.

"Well, take it easy, man," he said.

"Hey, Joe, wait a minute," I said real quick, before he could leave. "Look, I'm sorry to bug you again, but�well, are you gonna kill Carl?"

He turned back around and looked at me. "Man, to tell the truth, a bad plug's gonna kill Carl. Just shock the snot out of him. But I'll be there to collect him, yeah. Why?"

"Just wonderin'. I kinda like Carl, is all."

"Sorry, man. I don't know what to tell you."

"It's okay. Just doin' the job, right?"

"Yep." He opened the door to go.

"So is he gonna see you comin'?"

"Yeah." He didn't turn around this time. "Everybody I pick up can see me right at their time. That's how it works."

"Well, then, why can I�" I started, but then I slipped on a wet spot and fell. Next thing I knew, I was standin' over myself, lookin' down at my own body. My neck was cocked at a weird angle. I figured it out pretty quick, though. That bastard didn't even warn me.

"'Cause Carl's not the only one I'm here for, buddy."

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Replies:

Re: a story i wrote for you, my fav band;death takes a piss; -- jon, 17:37:23 07/17/01 Tue
Re: a story i wrote for you, my fav band;death takes a piss; -- jon from pignut, 17:40:31 07/17/01 Tue