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Subject: Polit ANEKDOTY Author: B&H [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] Date Posted: 15:00:32 04/20/03 Sun 1946 ð³ê.  Çàõ³äí³é Óêðà¿í³ ìîñêîâñüêèé òåðîð - ÍÊÂÄ, ÌÃÁ.  ñåë³ îäèí ì³ñöåâèé áà÷èòü ÿê ÿêèéñü ÷îëîâ³ê ï³ä³éøîâ äî äæåðåëà ç ô³ë³æàíêîþ é õî÷å íàïèòèñü. ̳ñöåâèé êðè÷èòü éîìó: - Íå ïèé çâ³äòè, êàöàïè îòðó¿ëè êðèíèöþ!!! ×îëîâ³ê ïîâåðòàºòüñÿ òà ïåðåïèòóº êàöàïñüêîþ: - ׸ ãàâàðèøü? ̳ñöåâèé òàêîæ ïî-êàöàïñüêîìó â³äïîâ³äàº: - ß ãîâîðþ, äîðîãîé, ïåé ìåäëåííî: âîäà î÷åíü õîëîäíàÿ, ãîðëî ïðîñòóäèøü. Ñï³éìàâ çàïîðîçüêèé êîçàê çîëîòó ðèáêó, òà îá³öÿº òà âèêîíàòè 3 áàæàííÿ. - Õàé âñ³ Òàòàðñüê³ Îðäè éäóòü ó Øâåö³þ. Àëå ëèõà íå êîÿòü! À ïîò³ì âåðòàþòü íàçàä. Çíÿëàñü óñÿ îpäà é ðóøèëà äî Øâåö³¿... ͳêîãî òàì íå ÷³ïàþ÷è, ïîâåðíóëà íàçàä. (äâà íàñòóïíèõ áàæàííÿ áóëè àíàëüî´³÷íèìè) Hå âòðèìàâøèñü ðèáêà ñïèòàëàñü: - Àëå ùî æ òîá³, óêðà¿íöåâ³, Øâåö³ÿ çëîãî çðîáèëà, - àäæå ðàçîì ç ìîñêîâñüêîþ îðäîþ âîþâàëè? - À ùî ìåí³ Øâåö³ÿ ? Çàòå ïî ìîñêàëÿõ - 6 pàç³â òóäè-ñþäè, òóäè-ñþäè! Âóëèöåþ Ëüâîâà ³äóòü äâîº áàíäåð³âö³â ç àâòîìàòàìè. Íà ðîç³ âóëèöü âîíè ïîì³÷àþòü ÷îëîâ³êà. Îäèí ç áàíäåð³âö³â: - ϳäè, ïåðåâ³ð, öå êàöàï ÷è í³. Áàíäåð³âåöü ï³äõîäå äî ÷îëîâ³êà ³ ïèòàº: - Ïàíå, âè êîãîñü ÷åêàºòå? - Òàê, ÷åêàþ. Áàíäåð³âåöü ïîâåðòàºòüñÿ äî ïåðøîãî ³ êàæå: - Íà÷åáòî íå êàöàï. ³äïîâ³â óêðà¿íñüêîþ.. - À òè ï³äè êàöàïñüêîþ çàïèòàé. Áàíäåð³âåöü çíîâó ï³äõîäèòü äî ÷îëîâ³êà: - ²çâ³í³òº, âè êàâî-òî æäüîòº? ×îëîâ³ê, íàãëî ä³ñòàþ÷è ç-çà ñïèíè àâòîìàòà: - Òà ÿ âæå é äî÷åêàâñÿ… Ñèäèòü íà ñò³ëü÷èêó ñòàðèé âóéêî, ÷èñòèòü àâòîìàò. ϳäá³ãຠäðóãèé âóéêî: - Êóìå! Âè ÷óëè? Ìîñêàë³ â êîñìîñ ïîëåò³ëè! Âóéêî ï³äõîïëþºòüñÿ: - Ùî, âñ³?! - ͳ, ò³ëüêè îäèí. Âóéêî ïðîäîâæóº ñïîê³éíî ÷èñòèòè àâòîìàò: - Òîä³ íå çàâàæàéòå ñïðàâó ðîáèòè. Óðîê ðîñ³éñüêî¿ ë³òåðàòóðè â øêîë³ íà Ôðàíê³âùèí³. Â÷èòåëüêà: Âàíÿ, èäè ê äîñêå, ðàññêàæè íàì î ñîäåðæàíèè ðàññêàçà Èâàíà Ñåðãååâè÷à Òóðãåíåâà “Ìó-Ìó”. ²âàíêî: Áóâ îäèí äâ³ðíèê, çâàëè éîãî Ãåðàñèì... Â÷èòåëüêà: Ïîæàëóéñòà, íà ðóññêîì ÿçûêå.. ²âàíêî: Çàðà... ×åêàéòå... ² áóëà â íüîãî ñîáà÷êà, ÿêó â³í íàçâàâ Ìó-Ìó... Â÷èòåëüêà: ß æå ñêàçàëà – íà ðóññêîì ÿçûêå.. ²âàíêî: Òà çàðà... Àëå öÿ ñîáà÷êà íå ñïîäîáàëàñÿ ïàí³. Òà íàêàçàëà âòîïèòè ñîáà÷êó... Â÷èòåëüêà: Ïîñëåäíèé ðàç ãîâîðþ – íà ðóññêîì ÿçûêå, à òî ïîñòàâëþ äâîéêó! ²âàíêî: Íó ¿é áî, ÿê³ âè íåòåðïëÿ÷³... Çàðà áóäå. Îò Ãåðàñèì âèâ³ç ñîáàêó íà ñåðåäèíó ñòàâêà, ïðèâ'ÿçàâ ¿é äî øè¿ êàìåíÿ, ï³äíÿâ íàä âîäîþ, à âîíà é ïèòຠéîãî òîþ ïñÿ÷îþ ìîâîþ: “ÇÀ ×ÒÎ???” ¯äå íåãð ó âèøèâàíö³ ó ëüâ³âñüêîìó òðàìâà¿ ³ ÷èòຠãàçåòó “Çà â³ëüíó Óêðà¿íó”. ×îëîâ³ê ³ç ñåëà, ïîáà÷èâøè öå, íå âèòðèìóº: - Ñêàæ³òü, à âè â쳺òå ÷èòàòè ïî-óêðà¿íñüêè? - Çâ³ñíî... - ² ðîçó쳺òå óêðà¿íñüêó? - Ðîçóì³þ, àäæå ÿ – ùèðèé óêðà¿íåöü. - À ÿ òîä³ õòî? - Íå çíàþ... Ç âèãëÿäó – àáî æèä, àáî ìîñêàëü. Âåëèêèé êíÿçü Êîíñòàíòèí (áðàò öàðÿ, àâòîð ðîìàíñà "Îòâîðè ïîòèõîíüêó êàëèòêó..."), ñàì âîåííûé, íà âîèíñêèõ ó÷åíèÿõ îáðàùàåòñÿ ñ âîïðîñîì: ×òî îçíà÷àåò ãåðá Ðîññèéñêîãî ãîñóäàðñòâà - äâóõãëàâûé îðåë? Îäèí ãåíåðàë îòâåòèë, ÷òî îäíà ãîëîâà ñìîòðèò íà çàïàä, äðóãàÿ íà âîñòîê... Ñëåäóþùèé ñêàçàë, ÷òî ýòî îçíà÷àåò äâîåâëàñòèå... Ðóêó òÿíåò ñîëäàò. - Ôàìèëèÿ? - Ñîëäàò Ïåòðîâ! - Íó, ñêàæè ñîëäàò Ïåòðîâ, ÷òî îçíà÷àåò ãåðá Ðîññèéñêîãî ãîñóäàðñòâà - äâóõãëàâûé îðåë? Ñîëäàò (ðóêà ïîä êîçûðåê): - Óðîä, Âàøå Áëàãîðîäèå Ñòåïàí Õìàðà ïðîñèòü ñëîâà. Ñï³êåð â³äìîâëÿºòüñÿ íàäàòè éîìó ïðàâî âèñòóïó: “Ñòåïàíå ²ëüêîâè÷ó! Âè æ çíîâó áóäåòå ãîâîðèòè îáðàçëèâ³ ðå÷³ ùîäî ðîñ³ÿí”. – “¯é Áîãó, õî÷ó âèñòóïèòè ç ïðèâîäó åêîëî㳿”. – “Äîáðå, âèñòóïàéòå...” – “Øàíîâí³ äåïóòàòè! Ïîãëÿíüòå, ùî ðîáèòüñÿ. ˳ñè ïîâèðóáóâàëè, ð³÷êè ïîïåðåñèõàëè. Íåìຠäå ìîñêàë³â í³ â³øàòè, í³ òîïèòè”. Äî ñåñ³éíîãî çàëó Âåðõîâíî¿ Ðàäè âðèâàºòüñÿ òåðîðèñò: “Õòî òóò Ñòåïàí Õìàðà?”. Âñ³ äåïóòàòè äðóæíî âêàçóþòü ïàëüöåì íà Õìàðó. Òåðîðèñò: “Ñòåïàíå ²ëüêîâè÷ó, ïðèãí³òüñÿ!” ×îðíèì ìîðåì ïëèâå àìåðèêàíñüêèé åñì³íåöü. Àæ ïåðåä åñì³íöåì âèðèíຠñóáìàðèíà ç æîâòî-áëàêèòíèì ïðàïîðîì. Ïîêè àìåðèêàíö³ çàõîäÿòüñÿ øóêàòè ïî äîâ³äíèêàõ ÷èé æå öå ïðàïîð, ùî çà äåðæàâà, ç ï³äâîäíîãî ÷îâíà ïóñêàþòü äâ³ òîðïåäè é òîïëÿòü åñì³íåöü. Ñóáìàðèíà çàíóðþºòüñÿ íà ïåðèñêîïíó ãëèáèíó òà â êàï³òàíñüê³é ðóáö³ â³äáóâàºòüñÿ ðîçìîâà: - Ïåòðå, à òè âïåâíåíèé, ùî òî áóëè ìîñêàë³ ? - Àâæåæ, áà÷èâ ñê³ëüêè ç³ðîê íà ïðàïîði! Óêðà¿íñüê³ ïðîòèïîâ³òðÿí³ ñèëè çáèëè ðîñ³éñüêîãî ë³òàêà ç ºâðåÿìè íà áîðòó. Ðîñ³éñüêà ñòîðîíà ó â³äïîâ³äü âèð³øèëà çáèòè óêðà¿íñüêîãî ë³òàêà ç ºâðåÿìè íà áîðòó. ßê âñòàíîâèëà óêðà¿íñüêà óðÿäîâà êîì³ñ³ÿ, ðîñ³éñüêèé ë³òàê Òó-134 íàïàâ íà ìèðíó óêðà¿íñüêó ðàêåòó, ùî ïðîë³òàëà ïîðó÷. Óêðà¿íà âèð³øèëà êîìïåíñóâàòè çàïîä³ÿí³ çáèòêè: êîìïàí³¿ “Ñèá³ð” âîíà ïîâåðíå íîâåíüêèé ë³òàê Òó-134, ²çðà¿ëþ ïîäàðóº 66 ºâðå¿â, à â Êðåìëü ïîøëå ðàêåòó Ñ-200. Ïîìåð Ëåîí³ä Êó÷ìà ³ ïîòðàïèâ íà òîé ñâ³ò. Ó ïåêë³ éîìó âèçíà÷àþòü ïîêàðàííÿ: âàðèòèñÿ ó êàçàí³ ç³ ñìîëîþ. Êó÷ìà îáóðåíèé: “ßê òàê? Îí Ëàçàðåíêî – õ³áà ó íüîãî ìåíøå â³ä ìåíå ãð³õ³â? À éîìó ÿê êëàñíî – äàëè éîìó ѳíä³ Êðîóôîðä äëÿ ñåêñóàëüíèõ çàáàâ!!!”. Âåëüçåâóë ïîäèâèâñÿ òà é êàæå: “Ðîçó쳺òå, Ëåîí³äå Äàíèëîâè÷ó, Ëàçàðåíêî – öå ñïåö³àëüíå ïîêàðàííÿ äëÿ ѳíä³ Êðîóôîðä”. [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]