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Date Posted: 23:47:15 11/04/99 Thu
Author: Mat Blaster---Dude Dammage
Subject: Police report of brawl in casino

The following is a police report concerning the encounter of one Matthew Richard Blaster and Dude Did Dammage (alleged real name).

Officer Anderson reporting

On Wednesday evening around 11:23 PM, reporting officer responded to a call from security at the Fred Sanford Casino. Upon officer's arrival, security had both parties restrained on the floor. After calling for backup and detaining both individuals, reporting officer interviewed several witnesses, and believed one eyewitness had the most accurate account.

Anderson: Excuse me, sir, can you tell me what happened here?

Witness: You bet, Officer. the first man I think his name is Dude Dammage was sitting next to me at the blackjack table when the other man, his name is Mat Blaster came up behind us. Mr. Blaster had a baseball bat and hit Mr Dammage right in the back.
When Dude hit the ground Mat Blaster sid something like,"Dammage, you pussy, you have been running from me long enough. I don't want your ass in the battle royal. No, I'm taking you out now."

Then that feller Dammage, well, he immediatly thrust his foot up and caught Mr. Blaster right in ol' Jim and the Twins, and Dude sid, "The Dude don't duck from any man, or woman in your case, now!"

Mr. Dammage gets on his feet and with Mr. Blaster still reeling from the nut shot, Dude grabs him and body-slams him right through the craps table, and the chips go flyin'.

Mr. Blaster , well he seemed pretty steamed now, he got up and sid "Not bad,son but let's give the beautiful people something to REALLY bet on." Then he dropped kicked Mr. Dammage into a row of old ladies playin the nickel machines.

Luckily, none of dem old ladies were hurt. 'Bout that time, security had arrived to try to break them up when Mr. Dammage lunged at Mr.Blaster. Then the security really had a fight on their hands when both Blaster and Dammage started to kick the crap out of the four security guards. When the guards became incapaci..ci..knocked the f--- out, then Dammage and Blaster grabbed each other and they both went crashing through the flyin' money booth, and moneys went everywhere....but I didn't grab nothin', I swear. (suspiciously stuffing his hands in his pockets)

About that time, more security showed up, this time with mace and tasers and brought both them fellers down, and I think I got some of that mace right in my eye, I'll SUE the bastards! Then you showed up.

Anderson: Thank you, sir, for your cooperation.

Witness: Sure thing, when's this gonna be on TV?

Anderson: Uh, this is just a police interview, sir.

Witness: Ah, sh--!!

Postscript: The Fred Sanford Casino had decided to drop charges against Mr. Blaster and Mr. Dammage in return for paying for damages to the casino and patrons possibly injured in the melee, as well as free advertising for the casino before the Monday Global Devastation.

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