NOROMO GAZETTE, Shipperville's Alternative Newspaper (03/22/2002) -- X-Philes World-Shipperville

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Date Posted: 04:57:10 03/22/02 Fri
Author: kande
Subject: NOROMO GAZETTE, Shipperville's Alternative Newspaper (03/22/2002)

motto: I hate you, Kenamom.

TOP STORIES

Hospital Lands Hamster Grant
Aunt Madge announced at a press conference this week that she has received a grant to research cancer in hamsters. The grant, worth several million dollars, will focus on the risks of breast cancer and will also begin development of a mammogram for hamsters.

"I plan to call it the ham-o-gram," said Aunt Madge. "This device may also have other applications, such as detecting breast cancer in guinea pigs, large mice, and other rodents. We hope to keep the cost of the ham-o-gram to under $100."

Local hamster supporters expressed excitement at these developments. "While it's too late for Sweetie," said a teary-eyed Kande's Sis, "I'm thrilled that others may not have to go through the agony of losing a beloved hamster or other small mammal."

Construction on the new research center will begin within the next few weeks.

Conference Planned For Vancouver In June 2003
Shipperville Mayor Kenamom announced this week that plans are underway for a conference of Shipperville residents. The conference is to be held in Vancouver, the original site where The X-Files was filmed.

"There are many sights in the Vancouver area that will be familiar to X-Files fans," said the mayor in a statement. "I hope many residents will choose to attend. Otherwise, it may be just me and the town's two moronos. Please. I beg you. COME!"

Updates on the status of the conference plans will be posted in Off Topic.

LOCAL STORIES

Can Noromos And Shippers Agree?
The real question, as our intrepid reporter discovered, is can *Shippers* agree? The answer: Apparently not.

The debate, held earlier this week, was on the topic of a DRR happening much quicker than the MSr (that's MSR to our Shipper readers). Town Noromos shrugged off the question, saying that implied some sort of romantic relationship between Mulder and Scully, which goes against Noromos' beliefs.

Shippers, on the other hand, became...vocal...in their discussions. The janitor at the debate hall said the amount of hair he swept up after this debate was at least twice as much as normal. Participants were treated at a local hospital and released. None of the injuries were considered life-threatening.

Scully Marathon Plans Underway
Shipperville Mayor Kenamom is working feverishly on the schedule for this year's Scully Marathon. "We're planning to schedule two episodes each week," said the mayor through a spokesperson. "There will be a few days inbetween for discussion."

Nominations of episodes to be included in the marathon are still being accepted. The marathon is scheduled to begin the first week in April.

CLASSIFIEDS
Lost: One Scully Action Figure. Inscribed "To Sherry" and signed "Gillian Anderson". If found please return to kande at kande's klub.

Wanted: Hamsters for research study. If interested, call 555-RODENT.

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Replies:

Birth Announcement -- Kande's Sis, 17:32:47 03/22/02 Fri
- Dear Editor -- kenamom, writing from her eerily darkened office, 20:33:01 03/23/02 Sat
  - Lonely Woman Looking for Lonely Man to share friendship and good times with. -- Kylie, 02:37:37 03/25/02 Mon
    - Lonely alien writing to lonely woman -- Kande's Sis interpreting for Bubba, 18:59:00 03/26/02 Tue
    - Re: Lonely man Looking for Lonely woman to share friendship and good times with. -- Peter, 02:37:23 03/06/05 Sun
Late Addition to the upcoming special TV features -- kenamom, contemplating dying her hair Scully red, 21:20:37 03/25/02 Mon