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Date Posted: 09:15:27 08/31/01 Fri
Author: t
Subject: t

The shot opens on a dusty stretch of road apparently in the middle of nowhere. It's the middle of the day and the scorching sun beats down on the old stretch of highway. There are no cars, no people. dusty plains and mesas can be seen to the sides and to the distance. A voice starts speaking off-camera.

Voice: This is a highway near the reputed location of Area 51, and home to all the secrets and conspiracies of the U.S. government. Since the crash in Roswell in 1947, there have been more sightings of UFO's and unexplained phenomena than any area of the United States. Tonight, we investigate the truth.

The shot fades into a montage of photos and videos of flying saucers and very fuzzy pictures of aliens. A logo with the words "The UFO Conspiracy: Fact or fiction?" appears, and all is accompanied by a haunting strain of music that adds to the overall impression of something sinister and creepy going on. Finally, the shot wipes back to the same stretch of dusty road. David Duchovny is standing there in jeans, a black tshirt and a jacket, also wearing what appear to be designer shades.

David Duchovny: Good evening. I'm your host, David Duchovny. Normally, I play the role of a determined FBI investigator trying to find the truth. But tonight, we look at the real-life X-Files. The truth that the United States government has been trying to cover up for the last fifty years. And tonight, we bring you the one irrefutable witness that this......

Several voices can be heard speaking off-camera. Duchovny is looking at them and then hitches his thumbs in his belt and does not look happy.

David Duchovny: Hey, HEY! I am trying to present something here! Actor at work, okay?

He kicks at the road and walks across the frame, muttering to himself.

David Duchovny: Dammit. They give me three hours to do cut-shots on in the middle of the desert. We're in Nevada, for f@cks' sake. I've got to call my agent. I've got that role as a government conspiracy theorist in the new Ron Howard movie to get to. And maybe they finally called back about my idea to play Superman as a government experiment, trying to find his long-lost sister.

The voices continue off-camera, and finally a gaffer comes over to him and whispers something in his ear.

David Duchovny: What? You're kidding me. Are you sure about this?

The gaffer nods. He's only a kid of about twenty or so.

Gaffer: Uh...yeah. That's what the director told me, Mr. Duchovny.

David Duchovny: So I'm double-booked to appear in Killer Instinct's promo and do this at the same time. What genius thought that up?

The gaffer looks at his notes.

Gaffer: Chris Carter.

David Duchovny: That SOB!! He's been jealous of my talent ever since I started working on that stupid show of his!! Hey you!!

He gestures off-camera to someone.

David Duchovny: Call my limo around. I've gotta get up to the X-Files set and do this promo for what's his name.....Kill-er....Kill-AH Intstinct? What the hell kind of name is that? Sounds like a cheap rip-off of some kind.....that reminds me. I have to call Tea and see how the Jurassic Park 3 returns are doing.

He flips open a cellphone and dials a number.

David Duchovny: Tea? Tea honey? It's me. David. DAVID. Your husband? Yeah, well.....anyway, how are the returns for Jurassic Park 3 shaping up? They're a blockbuster? What do you mean you wouldn't know what that word meant? Honey? Hello?

Duchovny stalks off-camera and the scene fades to black.......

The shot fades in on Pantera sitting in a living room of some kind, her feet up on a couch, as she turns off her tv with a puzzled expression on her face. Her hair is long and uncombed, and it seems like the only thing she's wearing is a long black t-shirt with the words 'Killer Instinct. The man. The legend. The world-class steak chef' on it. Her long shapely legs are bare and they're folded underneath her. On her lap is a bowl of popcorn and on the table next to her is a bottle of beer of some kind. She glances across to the camera and waves her hand for it to come closer.

Pantera: Hey, hey. Good to see you. I have a promo to cut, and I thought 'well, Julianna, I don't want to go on the road tonight. Why not have a night in, get some popcorn and a beer and watch a conspiracy show on tv?' Now, I know.....there are some people out there who thought I should be cooking a steak and standing around barefoot....

She smiles and sticks out one foot towards the camera.....

Pantera: So you got half of what you wanted. I leave the real cooking to the men, you know. Because they're so big and manly and all that. And because they know how to tenderise their meat better than any woman could......So, tonight's promo is about the man they call Kill-ah. Oh I know. I shouldn't be saying Kill-ah, because I'm gonna get hit in the face with a baseball bat called Excalibur (her eyes roll at that) every time I do. If that's not a substitute for something.....

She scoops a large handful of popcorn into her mouth and swigs some beer before continuing.

Pantera: So....Kill-ah. I know, I know....another hit with the baseball bat. (She brings out a notepad and starts marking it). That's four so far, Kill-ah. I know you have trouble counting past twenty-one. Anyways, I'm basically supposed to be making fun of you and trash-talking you before When Worlds Collide. But what else am I going to say that I haven't said already? I've already pointed out how you fail to follow through on everything you've said you were going to do to me.....if it wasn't throwing me off the top of the cage at Bloodzone, it was knocking me out, and if it wasn't knocking me out, it was making me squeal like a little girl, and if it wasn't that, it was some other damn thing....I've really honestly lost count. You must be trying to get into politics with all the broken promises, Kill-ah.

She makes a mark on the notepad and keeps talking.

Pantera: See......I guess what myself and the other RAW fans are wondering is if your heart's in it anymore, Kill-ah.

She marks the notepad again.

Pantera: We've been watching your promos with the usual degree of interest (read, none) and you're obsessing over your club, Chuck Zito and Infidelity. If there was ever an award for living in the past, it's yours. You're supposed to be the Universal Champion. The man of the moment, the top of the heap.....dare I say it....the cutting edge. (She smirks) Instead, you keep reminding us and reminding us of all the titles you've won and lost and keep going over the same ground again and again and again. And these are the promos that are supposed to make you interesting? The promos that are supposed to make you watchable as the Universal Champion? Hell, you can't even come up with a good pop at the end of an angle. You come up with some lame-ass 'interactive' thing where noone really knows what happens, and more than likely, noone really cares because you sure as hell don't. If you did.....and think about this, Kill-ah.....

She makes another note in the notepad......

Pantera:.....we'd know, we'd even give a damn about what happened to Lity. But we don't, because you don't. You want to keep playing martyr and making out you are the most entertaining thing to happen to pro wrestling since Stone Cold. YOU'RE NOT. You keep pumping out your catchphrase, you keep trying to prove yourself in matches you don't care about, and more importantly, you keep making all these threats to me. Have you ever wondered why you do that, Kill-ah?

Another mark in the pad.

Pantera: Anyone else would call that obsessive behavior. You trash-talk me, you say you'll do this, you'll do that, and you never do it. Do you want to ask me out on a date or something? Talk about your unresolved sexual tension.....maybe I should challenge you to a 'Loser gets laid' match and put you out of your misery. You can't even get past your wars with Tommy Anderson. At least he has the good sense to leave a feud when it's over. You....you are so messed up, and I can't even begin to guess why, that you're stuck on this one goal. This goal of having all the gold you can wear and thinking that's just gonna make everything alright. I am going to take that ALL away from you, Kill-ah......and maybe you'll finally be the man that you claim to be.

She makes another mark in her notepad and flips it closed.

Pantera: Well, I think that's pretty good for a final promo before When Worlds Collide. I just wanna wish all the guys in Silent RAGE lots of luck in their matches, maybe with the exception of Kopy Kat.....I just figure he'll imagine he's in Marioland and he'll get the high score. Poppa.....BPC.....I got your back. Silent RAGE stands together. We're gonna take it all the way, man. I believe that. And Tommy......

She smiles, pushes back her hair a bit and shows a LOT of leg......

Pantera: You get the comissionership, and we'll just see what we can book, big man........

Pantera: Now get outta here. I want to watch UPN. I really need my sleep.

The camera backs up and leaves the room as the scene fades to black........

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