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Date Posted: 22:30:16 08/03/01 Fri
Author: T2
Subject: T2

The scene fades into static.....and then fades into a shot of the RAWTV logo, but this time the music is very different. It's very reminiscent of a National Geographic documentary or a wildlife special of some kind, and images of elephants, tigers, and other wildlife start showing. A voice starts speaking over the various shots.

Voice-over: Throughout the years, we have always been fascinated by the variety of wildlife in the jungle, in the forests of South America, the depths of the ocean, and beyond. Today, we investigate the greatest wildlife mystery of them all. Join us as we go in search of....

THE KILL-AH INSTINKT

The scene fades to black. Sounds of a rainforest are heard, fading back in on a shot of......Pantera?

She wears a cammo pattern pair of cutoff jeans, military boots, and a khaki vest with the words 'MAJOR GUNNS RIP' highlighted in black letters on it. Her hair is slicked back and tied in a ponytail, and she wears her little rounded shades. An army-style cap is worn on her head (backwards, naturally enough), and her skin has a sheen to it as if she's been sweating, a revealing patch of dampness on her shirt.

Pantera (whispering): We're here in the darkest part of the backstage area of the RAW arena, where we're in search of that most rare of all creatures, the Kill-ah Instinkt. These creatures are normally very solitary and tend to hide behind larger, more stupid creatures than themselves, often making alliances so their own chances of survival increase. Now, because this breed is dying out, certain groups have taken to protecting the Kill-ah, or to use its correct name Amnesias mutandis idioticus, trying to preserve this strange and often elusive beast.

Pantera suddenly goes into a crouch, the camera view going with her, but stopping and only getting her in shot from the cleavage down. There's a aheming sound and the camera lifts to be looking at her face again. She seems very concerned and wipes sweat from her forehead.

Pantera: Well, that was lucky. We just saw a convictus moronicus, commonly known as the Criminal Element. These beasts only know one way to capture their prey, and often preen and strut after they do so, lacking the necessary skills to actually finish off their prey. Oh, what's this?

The camera pans down to her feet, where an obviously fake sideburn lays on the floor. The camera pans up as Pantera gingerly picks it up and looks terribly excited.

Pantera: Amazing! The Kill-ah is shedding. If we're lucky, we might be able to catch up to it.

The camera moves up and begins following Pantera as she darts and weaves under tables, lighting equipment and even curtains, crouching and hiding as if tracking something. She stops abruptly, hiding side-on against a metal lighting tower, which is giving her no cover whatsoever.

Pantera (breathing heavily): Well....we've come a long way into the Kill-ah's territory, and I think we're close. The Kill-ah typically is seen with a female companion known as the celebritus ripofficus, a common form of parasite that feeds off the Kill-ah through picking up the scraps that the Kill-ah leaves behind. We're lucky to have that happen, as the Kill-ah's diet is made up primarily of hot air and approximately ten pounds of leather and soft metals. With the parasite at their side and having just recently fed, we should be lucky enough to see them resting.

The camera bounces around roughly, following Pantera again as she hides behind more curtains and ducks past the docking area where several trucks are. There seems to be a tendency for the camera to be focussing on her butt as she runs....

Finally, the camera pans up to her again as she looks annoyed, but is now making a shushing sound with one finger held up to her lips.

Pantera (whispering again): We're outside the lair of the Kill-ah. If we're very lucky, we'll be able to get never-before seen footage of this elusive creature at rest and maybe even its mating habits.

She creeps forward, occasionally looking back at the camera as she moves down the hallway towards the room clearly marked "Kill-ah Instinkt. Do not feed anything but crap'. She creeps up to the door, and gently, GENTLY pushes it open......

Pantera utters a whispered curse word in Mexican, which is promptly beeped out. She straightens up and motions for the camera to follow her in. She steps aside as the camera comes in, and the empty room has women's clothing scattered around the floor, several pairs of what appears to be exactly the same sorts of jeans and leather jackets, several old tattered comic books, and a empty DVD case for the X-Men movie.

Pantera (exasperated tone): Well, that's just unfortunate. The Kill-ah's natural instinct for self-preservation at all costs is obviously more well-developed than we've ever seen. At the first sign of trouble, the Kill-ah flees the lair, taking only what is considered most important to them and presumably goes to find the shelter of the convictus moronicus or the nearest reservation, probably a Denny's somewhere. We can only speculate that based on this behavior that the Kill-ah will continue to exhibit this cunning ability to not be exposed until such time as it is properly cornered by a superior predator.

Pantera lowers her shades just enough to raise her eyebrows and give the camera a smart-ass look.

Pantera: Well, there you have it. The Kill-ah Instinkt. King of the jungle, or adolescent fantasy? You be the judge. Tune in next time when we go In Search Of Chris Benoit's personality.

The RAWTV logo fades back in with yet more documentary music, both slowly fading to black......

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