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Date Posted: 15:38:11 10/22/05 Sat
Author: Jason Dignard
Subject: Monologue-Didn't finish it; will give a co-writing credit to anyone: make it longer, and funnier!
In reply to: Patrick 's message, "Someone write one up, it's the only thing we're lacking this week." on 14:38:04 10/22/05 Sat

Monologue

...Catherine Zeta-Jones
Audience Member 1...John Lutz
Audience Member 2...Jorma Taccone
Audience Member 3...Akiva Schaffer
...Will Forte

Don Pardo(voice): Ladies and gentlemen, Catherin Zeta-Jones!!!!!

(Zeta-Jones comes out and audience applauds wildly)

Catherine Zeta-Jones: Thank you all very much. Thank you. Wow. It's truly an honor to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. It has been a dream of mine to host one day, and since I'm in a new movie, "The Legend Of Zorro"....(audience applauds)....thank you; it only seemed fit to shamelessly plug it here on live television. Uh, okay, someone has a question. Yes, sir.

Audience Member 1: Hi, love your work. You are a wonderful actress.

Catherine Zeta-Jones: Thank you.

Audience Member 1: Yeah, my question is...what is the real reason as to why you're married to Michael Douglas?

Catherine Zeta-Jones: I don't understand the question.

Audience Member 1: Well, I thought it was a money thing, but you probably make more than he does. Did he kidnap someone from your family, or threaten to murder anybody you were close to? I'm just trying to get the straight dirt on why you would marry him.

Catherine Zeta-Jones: I married him because I love him. (audience applauds) He is a gentle, kind, funny human being. And I don't see how...yes, the two of you have a question.

Audience Member 2: Yes, can you settle a bet?

Catherine Zeta-Jones: Alright.

Audience Member 2: Yeah, my friend here says that you married Michael Douglas because you have bad eyesight. Obviously, that's not true, right?

Catherine Zeta-Jones: No, I have perfect eyesight.

Audience Member 3: Dammit.

Audience Member 2: Ha, told you. Now, seriously, why did you marry him?

Catherine Zeta-Jones: I don't think age...

Will Forte: Catherine?

Catherine Zeta-Jones: Yes, Will?

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