Monologue & Update jokes -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 23:06:44 04/22/07 Sun
Author: Jim Bevan
Subject: Monologue & Update jokes
In reply to: Jim Bevan 's message, "Monologue for Scarlett's show" on 23:03:05 04/22/07 Sun

SCARLETT JOHANNSON'S MONOLOGUE

Jim Bevan

*Tagline: Scarlett's poor word choice puts Studio 8H under lockdown.

... Scarlett Johannson

CDC Agent 1...Will Forte

CDC Agent 2...Seth Meyers

Don Pardo (V.O.): Ladies and gentlemen, Scarlett Johannson!

(Scarlett walks out onto homebase to great applause. She takes it in happily, and soon it dies down.)

Scarlett Johannson (excited): Thank you! Thank you so much. It is a thrill to be back here hosting Saturday Night Live. I have to admit, I'm kind of surprised to be back here now considering that I don't have any new movies coming out soon. No projects I'm working on, the film I'm appearing in, "The Nanny Diaries", got pushed back to September. I really can't understand why they asked me to come back now. I guess I just made such a good impact the last time I was on they just had to have me again as soon as they could. Guess the SNL cast has all come down with Scarlett Fever.

(There is no reaction to her joke. She chuckles nervously at her bombed pun.)

Scarlett Johannson (embarassed): Oh...kay. I thought that would go better. Why don't we move on. Who wants to hear me dish gossip about other celebrities?

(The audience starts cheering madly. Scarlett smiles contently, knowing that she's recovered.)

Scarlett Johannson: Great. So, in The Nanny Diaries, Paul Giamatti and Laura Linney are costarring. And after filming one of the scenes with them, I heard them talking about this party they went to after the Oscars. Apparently, Laura mentioned that she got a chance to speak to Al Gore, and the first thing she said to him was...

(Scarlett is suddenly interrupted when two men in biohazard suits come up onto the stage and look out towards the audience.)

CDC Agent 1 (authoritative): All right, everybody. Stay calm. Everything is under control.

CDC Agent 2 (authoritative): Just do as instructed and you will be fine.

Scarlett Johannson (confused): Excuse me? What... what's going on here?

CDC Agent 1: Center for Disease Control, ma'am. We're responding to a report that there is an outbreak of scarlet fever in this complex.

CDC Agent 2: Highly contagious, potentially deadly. This studio's going to have to be quarantined until we're certain no one is at risk of an infection.

Scarlett Johannson: No, wait, I don't think you understand. This was all a misunderstanding... (she pauses for a few seconds) How did you guys get here so quickly, anyway?

CDC Agent 2: Teleporter.

Scarlett Johannson (incredulous): Teleporter?

CDC Agent 2: Government's got dozens of them distributed through the federal agencies. We use them whenever there's a need for immediate response.

Scarlett Johannson (skeptical): That doesn't make sense. First off, assuming that there actually is such a thing as a working teleporter, wouldn't there have to be one here as well to receive your matter as it was transported? And if every government agency has one, then why didn't...

CDC Agent 1 (forceful): Please, miss, we don't have time for you to point out the logical flaws in our explanation! There's a dangerous disease we have to contain here!

Scarlett Johannson: No, there isn't. Let me explain. That "scarlet fever" line was a joke, and it didn't...

CDC Agent 2: A joke? Miss, I don't find the thought of a toxin-producing streptococcus bacteria that causes fever, headache, and an ugly as hell rash to be much of a joke.

CDC Agent 1: Are you aware that scarlet fever is what made the boy in "The Velveteen Rabbit" sick? That it was scarlet fever that forced his parents to burn his toys because they may have become infected?

CDC Agent 2 (beginning to break down): That poor little toy rabbit... he thought he was going to burn, and then he becomes real. Just like Pinocchio!

(He starts to cry uncontrollably, though we can't see his face through the hood. His fellow agent walks over to him and hugs him in comfort. Scarlett rolls her eyes in disbelief.)

Scarlett Johannson: Look you two, I'm sorry to have dragged you out here and unwittingly brought up tearful childhood memories, but I assure you, there is no outbreak of scarlet fever here.

CDC Agent 1: We'll be the judges of that. First we need to get everyone decontaminated.

Scarlett Johannson: How are you going to do that?

CDC Agent 2 (sniffling, but back to his normal tone): Showers.

CDC Agent 1: Right. (He looks out to the audience) Everyone get up, move to the back, the decon showers are all set up.

Scarlett Johannson: But if everyone has to shower, they'll need to strip down. And that means they'll see Lorne's junk!

CDC Agent 2: Small sacrifices must be made for the greater good, miss.

Scarlett Johannson (groans): Fine. (To the audience) I'm sorry I got you all into this folks. Hope this little mistake I made doesn't keep you from seeing my movies. Anyway, we have a great show tonight. Bjork is here.

CDC Agent 1 (shocked): Bjork?! Perfect, if we get a sample from her, maybe we can finally develop a vaccine against her!

Scarlett Johannson: Really? Wow, I guess some good did come out of this. Okay, stick around, we'll be right back after the decontamination showers.

(Scarlett walks off the stage, led by the CDC agents. Audience members get up to follow them.)

(fade out)

--------

WU Jokes

Amy Poehler: In Madrid, a wild pig trapped in the middle of a highway held up traffic for fifteen minutes. It eventually left, but for motorists on the road, that quarter hour was a real boar. (the audience groans in response to the joke.) Hey, at least that pun didn't get you put through decontamination.

An Indiana couple found a winning thousand-dollar lottery ticket while picking up trash. Now I'm worried that this inspiring story will mislead naive young people into wasting their childhood doing community service.

Seth Meyers: The World Bank council is deliberating over what actions to take regarding president Paul Wolfowitz's use of his position to get his girlfriend a job. Speaking in his defense, Wolfowitz stated, "If you'll allow me to explain myself, I believed that the best way to eliminate corruption in this organization was to do as many corrupt things as possible and see what would happen when I got caught. So in reality, I'm doing a great job."

A biologist at the University of Washington has attached satellite transmitters to narwhals in order to track their movements and monitor temperature change in the oceans. At least, that's his story, but I bet he just wants to keep track of the winners in his illegal narwhal fencing operation.

Amy Poehler: Finally tonight, we at Weekend Update want to say that our thoughts and prayers are will all affected by this week's tragedy in Virginia, and with everyone who has lost a loved one to violence. Thank you, and good night.

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Replies:

I've got a CO which I am finishing up -- Prateek S., 23:10:54 04/22/07 Sun
- Re: I've got a CO which I am finishing up -- Evan D., 02:21:27 04/23/07 Mon