Red Excitebike Guy's Holidaze Special Compilation! -- Mario and Link

[ Show ]

Support VoyForums

[ Shrink ]

VoyForums Announcement: Programming and providing support for this service has been a labor of love since 1997. We are one of the few services online who values our users' privacy, and have never sold your information. We have even fought hard to defend your privacy in legal cases; however, we've done it with almost no financial support -- paying out of pocket to continue providing the service. Due to the issues imposed on us by advertisers, we also stopped hosting most ads on the forums many years ago. We hope you appreciate our efforts.

Show your support by donating any amount. (Note: We are still technically a for-profit company, so your contribution is not tax-deductible.) PayPal Acct: Feedback:

Donate to VoyForums (PayPal):

[ Login ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1 ]

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Date Posted: 17:21:56 12/15/99 Wed
Author: Doushi Josh Z
Subject: Red Excitebike Guy's Holidaze Special Compilation!

I wrote these two a few months back. I hope you enjoy them!

-Doushi Josh Z, in a holiday mood.

--------------------------------------------------------

*Thanksgiving**Setting is REG's Cabin, with accompanying artificial snow outside*

REG: Welcome mates, to my Thanksgiving Special! We will be having some special guests, telling us about their holiday traditions! Plus, we go Christmas shopping! Now, here's my co-host, World Wrestling Federation Ring Announcer Lillian Garcia!...

LG: Guesswhoourfirstguestis?Yesthat'srightit'snoneotherthan...TedKennedy!

REG: Shut the hell up...I mean, here's Ted Kennedy!!

Ted: ...*barf*...Hey, a whoooooo...*drinks a shot of something*

REG: HEY!! Is that a...Sex on the Beach?

Ted: Nononononononono...It's a Hickey on the Lake.

REG:...

Ted: Hey, you got some Chef Boyardee? *barf*

REG: You're not barfing Boyardee all over MY cabin, bloke.

LG: Here'snextguestnoneotherthan...BillCosby!!!

Bill: *pops out of limo* Hey...watch Little Bill, on Nick Jr. I'm big Bill. *pops in limo, drives away like a bat out of Hell*

REG: ...Damn. Hey! Look who's knocking at the back door? *walks to the back door* It's none other than...the LOVELY ladies of THE VIEW!

Ladies:...*fart*...

REG: LILIAN?! WHERE THE HELL DO YOU GET THESE PEOPLE?!

LG: FromthestreetsofDan'sGhetto,why?

REG: Blimey...

LG: Look!It'sMotherLove!

Mother: Remember children, you have to remember the power of forgiveness.

REG: Uh...Mother Love, I'm sorry, but I accidently scratched your Limo with my bike a while ag-

Mother: IT WAS YOU THAT DID THAT?!?! YOU SON OF A B****, I'LL SHOOT YO' ASS WITH MY SNIPER HANDGUN!!! *pulls gun out of backside*

REG: AHHHHHH!!!!! *Grabs the bottle of Hickey on the Lake, heads Mother Love over the head with it, who falls and dies*

Ted: Damn man!

REG: Hey, she was about to eat me!

LG:...Lookit'sChristopherLowellofTheChristopherLowellShowonTheDiscoveryChannel!

Chris: *Dressed up as female camp ranger* Hi! I'll get help! Let's decorate the house for the holidays!!!

REG: Oh God...Hey!! it's time for Christmas shopping!

All: YAY!

REG: Let's go to...the MAAALLLLLLLLLL!!!

*at the mall*

REG: Okay, we all have a $1000 shopping limit!

Ted: Hey, Reggie, don't you think we should buy a turkey first? *barf* It's November 31st, and we don't have a *barf* turkey.

REG: Uh...

*Lilian and Mother Love's body are at the jewelers*

LG: Sodon'tyouthinkthatRedwouldjustLOVEthisgoldplatedwatch?

Mother: *ear is decaying*

LG: Yousmellnice.

*REG and Ted Kennedy are at the Toys R Us*

REG: Should't we donate these wonderful toys to the Salvation Army?

Ted: *hits on cashier* So, baby, ever try to outrun my...my lawnmower? It needs some gas. *realizes that cashier is an old man* AHH!

Cashier: You...you can't buy it. No coupon.

REG: WHAT?!?!

Cashier: No coupon.

REG: I RESERVED THE DAMN POK� BALL A MONTH AGO!!

Cashier: No coupon.

REG: AHHHHH!!!!! SHUT THE HELL UP!!!

Cashier: No coupon.

REG: DAMNIT DAMNIT DAMNIT!!! PASS AWAY!!!

Cashier: No coupon.

REG: HERE!!! HERE'S YOUR F***IN COUPON MATE!!! *throws a display Dreamcast at the cashier*

Ted: Hey...you killed him.

REG: ...yeah...yeah, yeah I did.

Ted: Now we have to past the next cashier challenge...the smart ass girl that won't let us buy a Dreamcast.

REG: What? *puts DC on register*

Cashier2: What?! I can't believe your buying a stupid Dreamcast! Like, I'm gonna like wait for a Playstation 2!

REG: Oh God...

Cashier2: Sonic Adventure?! No way, like, I'd rather play, like, Cool Boarders 2 and Crash Bandicoot 2 and Spyro 2 on a Playstation...2!

REG: AHHHH!!!! *Throws a leftover twenty dollar Virtual Boy at the cashier, who dies*

Ted: Now, we have to pass the next challenge...

REG: WHAT?!

Ted:...Kids buying 10 Game Boy Colors and 10 Pok�mon Yellows.

REG: AHHHHHGGHHHHH!!!!

Kid: I want Pokemon 2: Pikachu. Here is 25 dollars. *Talks to the cashier 100 times, using the Itemfinder* Okay, now give me my Pikablu.

REG: *turns 60 feet tall, breaths fire* EEEERRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!! *steps on kid*

Ted: Wow.

REG: Okay, I'm buying this...*puts DC, Pok� Ball, and a ninety-nine cent copy of Star Tropics II on register*

Cashier3: *pauses*

REG: Know your role.

Cashier3: *Quickly scans the toys, gives back correct change*

REG: Thank you.

*THE VIEW ladies are at a Burger King*

Ladies:...*fart*...

BKCashier: This meal is TO GO.

*Lilian Garcia and Mother Love are deciding if Lilian should confess her undying love to the Red man*

LG: Youknowit'slikeIjustlovehim. He'ssoadorable,andhishelmetissocute,andhe'saNintendostar!

Mother: You know darling, if you really love him, you should kill all other women competing for his love.

LG:Ithoughtyouweredead!

Mother: You're fast speech resurrected me, darling!

SprintRep: Hey, Lilian...*hands her a Sprint Cellular Phone*

Lilian: It has Yahoo!

SprintRep: You'll be okay. *floats, hits head on celling, dies*

Mother: NO!!!!! *dies*

Lilian: *on phone* Hello, Mom?...

*REG and Ted are at a market across the stret from the mall, where Ted has convinced him to buy a turkey*

REG: Oh my God!!! There are no more turkeys!!!

Ted: *hits on lady grinding meat* Hey, lovely lady...

MeatGrinder: Hi handsome...*doesn't pay attention to meat grinding* So...what do you enjoy? Tennis...caf�...video...Blackjac-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! MY HAND!!!!!!!!!! MY HANDS IN THE GRINDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ted: Oh s***...

REG: HEY! There's a Butterball turkey behind her!

Ted: Nab it!

REG: *Takes turkey*

Ted: MMmmm...T U R K E Y...*gulps down turkey in one whole*

REG: WHAT THE F*** IS YOUR MOTHER F***IN PROBLEM?!?!?!?!

Ted: Damn. Needs Stove Top.

REG: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!...

Ted: Hey, that guy has two turkeys!

REG: Where!? *Looks at guy with two turkeys in his cart*

Ted: Whoa.

REG: Hmm...maybe...*Walks up to guy* Hi! May I interest you in a- *Hits guy over head with a bottle of Hickey on the Lake, steals turkey*

Ted: SLAM DUNK, 2 POINTER!!!

REG: What?...Anyway, it doesn't matter mate! We got two turkeys!!

Ted: Hey, it's time to go back to your cabin.

REG: Oh yeah!!!...

*Back at the cabin*

REG: Wow. We sure had a lot of fun! Let's ask our celebrity guests what they do for Thanksgiving!

Ted: I enjoy a warm bottle of Hickey on the Lake with the hooker I hit with my Nova.

Mother Love:...

Ladies from THE VIEW: ...*burp*...

LG: I spend time with cats!

Regis Philbin: I beat dogs. That's my final answer.

REG: Uh...Hey Ted! I brought you a special guest!

Ted: Who is it?

REG: It's Baywatch co-star KATHIE LEE!!!!

Kath: Hello Red Excitebike Guy, I'd like to introduce you to Cody!

REG: Hi chipper! Why is your nose so red?

Cody: Because...the magic man said, that if I wanted to clean my runny nose, I should sniff this white stuff!

REG: What the...

Ted: YOU IDIOT!!! THAT'S KATHIE LEE!!! I WANTED TO SEE...DAVID HASSLEHOFF!!!!!

REG: Oh...DAMNIT!!!!!!!!

*cops bust in door*

Cop: Cody Gifford!!! You're under arrest for the selling of Coke!!! Ted Kennedy, you're under arrest for the murder of a hooker!!!

Ted: No I'm not!!! *sprouts yellow wings, flies away to a rainbow*

Cop: You're all wanted for questioning, and will stay in custody for...*chows on a Cini-Mini*...2 months!

REG: WHAT?!?!?!

Cop: And...*chomp*...We're going to build a Onneton Road Block ...around your CABIN!!!

REG: DAMN YOU!!!!

*in prison*

REG: Well, we've had some fun during this wonderful Thanksgiving. And we'll be back next year. So, this is the Red Excitebike Guy, saying happy Thanksgiving!...and switch over to CBS. They're showing the Charlie Brown special...Hey, Bruno, stop lookin' at my ass!!!

InmateBruno: Hmm...hmm...pretty fork.

*Coming Soon!*

Red Excitebike Guy, in a special Christmas edition of SCARED STRAIGHT!!!!

*big inmate in a santa hat*

Inmate: YOU KNOW WHAT MOTHER F***IN KIDS?! I'MA RAPE YO' ASSES IF YOU COME IN MY PRISON!!!! AND I'MA EAT YO' BONES!!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!

-------------------------------------------------------

*Christmas*

REG: *in a warm winter cabin* Hello visitors! My names is the Red Excitebike Guy, or REG for short! Call me Reg! Welcome to my Christmas special! You may have seen my Independence Day special last month-

Lillian: Hey honey, wasn't it a THANKSGIVING spec-

REG: DON'T REMIND ME!!!...

DJZ: Hi, I'm Doushi Josh Z. I'm going to show you clips from Red Excitebike Guy's Scared Straight Special! Roll the footage Mike!

***

BigMan1: HEY YOU PUNK MOTHER F***ER KIDS!!! I'M BEELOW!!! YOU KNOW, UP IN THIS HERE PRISIN' CELL, WE AINT GOTS NO WOMEN! SO THE CLOSEST THING TO A WOMAN MUST BE...THE RED GUY!!!

REG: Uh...hi, children. If you too want to share my experience with this big man over here, then commit all the crimes you can. If you want to be a virgin, then stay in school.

BigMan2: I DONE BEEN IN THIS PRISON SINCE I WAS 13!!! I FLUNKED THE 3RD GRADE, AND I KILLED THE MOTHER F***ER WHO FAILED ME!! I WAS ALL UP IN THAT ART TEACHER, ALL LIKE "HEY!!! I MADE A PRETTY PICTURE!! WHY DIDN'T I GET NO 95?!" AND I SHOT THE FOO!

REG: Uh...stay in school, without the intent to kill.

BigMan3: Hey suckas! Me be up here in this prison, and I be all like "Foo, don't touch mah' ass, lest I use my moves I done learned from Akuma, and he OLD SKOOL!!!

REG: Hey, DAN?!

Dan: Whussup white boy?

REG: I'm RED! And Dan, you're not black, you're Japanese!!

Dan: Wha...?

***

DJZ: End footage!

REG:...Anyway, we're going to open our Christmas gifts on midnight! I wonder who got what...!

Lillian: I want a broom!

REG: Of course you do, honey.

(DJZ: In case you didn't know, REG and Lillian Garcia, the RAW IS WAR ring announcer, are now dating)

*door rings*

REG: Why, who would that be?...*opens door!* Whgy, if it isn't special guest CoolD!

CD: Hi, Reg.

REG: Hi, CD!

CD: :P

REG: Have a seat!

CD: Sure. *sits down*

REG: Anybody ever tell you you look like...

CD: Yes, Mike Jones.

REG: Now, it's IMPOSSIBLE for someone to look like Mike Jones, mate. He's skinny AND fat at the same time!

CD: I see you've discovered my secret...*unzips his human suit*

REG: OHMYGOD!!! YOU'RE...YOU'RE A GIANT FLYING ASCII ART MOUTH WITH A TONGUE STICKING OUT!!!

CD: Correct-a-mundo. :P

REG:...no surprize there. Anyway, let's move on to the next feature: Singing carols to kids in the neighborhood!

CD: Reg, I thought you lived in a cabin.

REG: This is a studio set! We can live where ever our imaginaion takes us!

CD: Sure thing, Walt Disney.

*later*

REG: Why look! It's the New Jersey Nets, and they're singing carols with some children!

Nets: *out of tune* Ghetto Superstar, that is what you are, the hard knock life, that is what for us, without an education, we be livin, in the white man's world, without a hoooppppeee...

REG: Ooooohhhhkkkkkkkaaaaaaayyyyyy....

Nets: *chokes a parent coming to make them shut the racket*

*later*

REG: Look!! It's someone building a Rosie 'O Donnel snowman!!!

CD: Uh, Reg...that IS Rosie 'O Donnel...

REG: Oh.

Rosie: Oh, if it isn't Ricky Martin, you cutie patootie! *picks at REG's cheeks*

REG: Ow, you monster! *Karate Chops Rosie*

Rosie: Ah, my head! It's gone! *dies*

Lillian: Well if this isn't quite the specific holiday season!

REG:...

*later*

Lillian: It's Regis Philbin!!!

REG: ...and a MEW...

Regis: Hi Reg! This is my new girlfriend, Mew! Say hi, Mew!

Mew: Mew.

REG:...uh...

Regis: And look! We have a son! His name is Mewgis!

Mewgis: Is that your final answer?

REG: To what?

Mewgis: Would you like to use a lifeline?

REG: No.

Mewgis:...I'm sorry REG. The answer is C. I will beat your ass.

REG:...

*later*

DJZ: CD!

CD: DJZ!

DJZ: The time has come to prove who is the stronger!

CD: That's right!...

*both get into fighting positions*

DJZ: Hey! Why are we to fight?

CD: Yes.

DJZ: Here. I will give you this copy of Star Tropics 3: Zodamon.

CD: Wonderful.

*later*

REG: *inside cabin* Hey! It looks as if someone wants to visit us! Lets have a looksie! It's...it's...SATOSHI TAJIRI!!!

ST: Hi. I am a God, yet am humble and kind.

REG: You are a God.

Lillian: You are a God.

DJZ & CD: GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD...

ST: *leaves*

REG: Well...that was enlightening.

DJZ: Heya Alla! Let us watch Charlie Brown special!

All: YES!

Linus: And then, Christ said onto all men "I will heal all ear wounds."

All:...wonderful.

*later*

DJZ: EGG NOG!!!

REG: EGG NOG!!!

ALL: EGG NOG!!!

**LATER**

All:....*burp*....

DJZ: hey, it's Santa!

REG: Where?!

DJZ: Up in the sky!

*all go outside*

REG: It's Santa!...er...that's not Santa...

"santa": *explodes in mid-air*

REG: It's Electrode!!!

bbf2: Yes, it is an Electrode.

REG: Why is it in a sleigh, though?

Lillian: Because Electrode is spreading cheer!

REG: It committed suicide, dear.

Lillian: Oh.

REG: Let's see the Nets sing us one more song!

Nets: ....I used to think, I was so smart, hiding the hole in my heart, sad as it seems, none of my dreams ever came true...

REG: HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]