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Subject: Re: Snippet


Author:
Nestra
[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]
Date Posted: 11:13:20 02/07/04 Sat
In reply to: Shanola 's message, "Snippet" on 09:56:32 02/07/04 Sat

They don’t see me. I walk down hallways and tunnels and pass operatives and techs comma and no one ever smiles or looks at me.

Sometimes I wish I were invisible.

I would use "was" instead, and I'm having a hard time articulating why. I think without the subjunctive "were", you get the impression that it could actually happen, and that the narrator would make it happen if he/she could.

I move to the workbench and begin to unpack the crate I’d brought with me.

I brought with me.

Walter’s a little different comma but most people here only speak when they need to.

The word ‘no’ is practically a four letter word.

Can you eliminate the repetition of "word"? Maybe " 'No' is practically a four-letter word." (note the hyphen)

What if….I were a secret agent, driving fast, fancy cars?

Same thing about were/was.

“Hey kid, you new here?” Walter is talking again comma and I pretend to concentrate on what I’m doing,

but really I’m straining my ears to listen in. If I can’t have a conversation of my own, I’ll borrow one.

Niiiice.

Filled with curiosity, I turn slightly to see who the new guy was.

who the new guy is.

We are alone comma and Walter is looking at me. Walter had spoken comma and I am the only one around. He’d asked me a question!

If you're in present, the next step back is the simple past. "Walter spoke, and I'm the only one around. He asked me a question!"

Am I new? No, no I’m not comma but how should I say that?

For a moment, I thought I had solidified, become real. I’d carry that with me for a long time.

I'll carry that with me for a long time.

It's nice. I love the faceless aspects of Section, and it reflects the fact that the show never got into this kind of stuff.

Hope this helps.

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Replies:
[> [> [> Subject: Crap, and the formatting is messed up. Lemme know if it's unreadable. ;-)


Author:
Nestra
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Date Posted: 11:16:32 02/07/04 Sat


[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[> [> [> Subject: It helps greatly. Thanks. =P


Author:
Shanola
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Date Posted: 14:29:40 02/07/04 Sat


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[> [> [> [> Subject: Drabble


Author:
jean
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Date Posted: 19:50:18 02/08/04 Sun

"What's with royal names?" said Mowen. "Every city on the planet has a King street."

"Not every one."

"Don’t be a smart-ass. I’m just trying to make conversation."

"About King Street?"

"No." Mowen glared at Birkoff, exasperated. "About how you walk in a city, there's always a King Street."

"I wouldn't know." Birkoff slouched on the bench, playing imaginary drums.

"This is gonna be a thrilling shift."

"No kidding." Birkoff replied, sarcastic. "Thrills and conversation, too? I can hardly stand it."

"Lose the attitude, kid. It’s bad enough being sealed in the van for three days."

"Harder than you know."

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[> [> [> [> [> Subject: Re: Drabble


Author:
No name
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Date Posted: 21:08:34 02/13/04 Fri

Seeing the Invisible is now available.

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Yes, it has taken longer than hoped, but in the end, not even the evil whammy could stop us, and as the Chief Editor says: "But we made it out just fine. I hope everyone enjoys it. It's really different to have a hardcopy of a fanfic to hold in your hands as you read. It feels pretty good." =P

The stories in the 'zine will not be posted online until February 14, 2005 -- and that's just too long to wait for such wonderful reading -- so order your copy today!


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