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Date Posted: 06:28:19 10/31/03 Fri
Author: schwabra
Author Host/IP: dialup-171.75.112.236.Dial1.Cincinnati1.Level3.net / 171.75.112.236
Subject: Jewish Quotes

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up.
They have no holidays.

~~Henny Youngman




Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting
would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews
beating their breasts, God designated one to be
crazy and amuse the breast beaters. By the time I
was five I knew I was that one.

~~Mel Brooks




The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer
shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the
White House, unless, of course, the man is
Jewish.

~~Jules Farber




Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York
you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you
are going to be goyish even if you are Jewish.

~~Lenny Bruce



God, I know we are your chosen people, but
couldn't you choose somebody else for a change?

~~Shalom Aleichem




The remarkable thing about my mother is that for
thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers.
The original meal has never been found..

~~Calvin Trillin




Let me tell you the one thing I have against
Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in
order to bring us to the one place in the Middle
East that has no oil!

~~Golda Meir




Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother.

~~Peter Malkin




Humility is no substitute for a good personality.

~~Fran Lebowitz




My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.

~~Benjamin Disraeali




It's so simple to be wise. Just think of
something stupid to say and then don't say it.

~~Sam Levinson




Don't be humble; you are not that great.

~~Golda Meir





I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy
eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly
two weeks.

~~Joe E. Lewis




Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put
your money in your pants pocket and give your
coat to your creditors.

~~Sam Goldwyn




A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's
written on.

~~Sam Goldwyn




Everybody likes a kidder but nobody loans him
money.

~~Arthur Miller




I have enough money to last me the rest of my
life unless I buy something.

~~Jackie Mason




I don't want to achieve immortality through my
work. I want to achieve immortality through not
dying.

~~Woody Allen




Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who
wants to live in an institution?

~~Groucho Marx




Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of
anatomy.

~~Groucho Marx




Too bad that all the people who know how to run
this country are busy driving taxis and cutting
hair.

~~George Burns




Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions.
Conservatives Feel they deserve everything
they've stolen.

~~Mort Sahl




A committee is a group that keeps minutes and
loses hours.

~~Milton Berle




I don't want any yes-men around me I want
everybody to tell me the truth, even if it costs
them their jobs.

~~Sam Goldwyn




Television is a medium because it is neither rare
nor well done.

~~Ernie Kovacs




With the collapse of vaudeville, new talent has
no place to stink.

~~George Burns




When I bore people at a party, they think it is
their fault.

~~Henry Kissinger

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