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Subject: Re: Please Criticism Requested Author: Stew [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] Date Posted: 20:15:54 08/04/01 Sat In reply to: joanna 's message, "Re: Please Criticism Requested" on 20:57:01 08/02/01 Thu Brilliance, sheer brilliance… I definitely loved Memory Refresh, reminded me a lot of the Merideth fiasco (You'll all be happy to know she did make it back home in one piece, mind you it was the Wednesday after Kenyon was over, but anyway...). I especially liked the second half, it’s exactly what I was feeling at times summed up much better than I ever could. As for the bird poem, it reminded me of a poem (which I meant to read, but never did as I forgot what it was called and couldn't find it with nothing to go on-damn goldfish memory-) about a bird dying in midair. Really good, apparently (Does anybody know what I’m talking about here?). Anyway, my only real suggestion so far is that I’d take the stanza that reads: Slowly beginning to sink, it didn’t twitch— didn’t fight for life… the wings, the legs frozen…rigid like the granite of a head stone. And rewrite it like so: Slowly beginning to sink, it didn’t twitch— didn’t fight for life, it’s wings, it’s legs frozen, rigid like the granite of a head stone. And I’d play around even more with the layout of those last two lines. As for the reason for the rest of my changes, I just liked the sound of them better, I dunno. But before you make any drastic changes, I’d get some more input on those changes. I’d been up till who-knows-how-long last night (at a week of Boy Scout Camp I was forced into going to, (groan)) trying to keep people from killing others, namely myself, and am probably delusional due to lack of sleep and several blows to the head from angry firewood-weilding Boy Scouts, so find at least one person who’s at least somewhat sane-I know there must be at least one in this crazy world of ours- and ask them what they think. Well, that’s enough from me, g’day all. Stew “AWOLMAN” Martin [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]