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Date Posted: 15:03:56 11/24/02 Sun
Author: Thurman Skydive
Subject: Cherishing

(The scene opens at a childrens playground, and all around, despite the cold temperature and miserable grey sky overhead, there are children with smiles on their faces. Finally the camera shifts leftwards, and we see a desolate figure, sitting by himself on the swings...)

Skydive: It's wierd...things you did when you were a kid really aren't that great when you're 29 years old huh?

Everyone's favourite reporter (off camera): I guess so...so how else do you plan to cherish what life you have left?

Skydive: Oh I have an idea!

The shot fades to black...

(We re-open up in a dim, shady environment, with Christina Aguilera's 'Dirrty' pulsating in the background. The camera moves over the shoulders of Skydive and the reporter, to view a VERY scantily clad woman, with ridiculously oversized breast implants dancing around a pole...)

Skydive: See now this is what I call cherishing life Bob...

Reporter: For f*cks sake get my name right once!

Skydive: Sure thing...maybe next time. I don't have time to learn it right now. I have the almighty word of Brother Unknown to follow right now. I mean, I wouldn't want the wrath of God to strike down upon me and kill somebody in my family...like I could give a crap about them!

(Thurman and the reporter take a seat at a table, and watch the gyrating stripper for a few minutes, before the reporter tries to draw Thurman's mind to more pressing matters...)

Reporter: Thurman...I feel that

Skydive: TAKE IT OFF BABY!!!...I'm sorry what were you saying?

Reporter: Well simply put, I feel...

Skydive: OH YEAH MOMMA...NICE CAHUNAS!!! Do go on...

Reporter: It's easy to understand, I...

Skydive: DAMN HONEY...YOU GOT BACK!!

Reporter: Goddamnit! You have a triple threat match...

Skydive: Uh-Oh! That's blasphemy...be careful God doesn't kill any of your family! You're kinda fat and ugly so I doubt you have wife or children or anything...but you probably have a hillbilly cousin in Alabama who your mother slept with last week...I'm assuming you don't want him to die...or maybe you do I dunno!

(The reporter looks absolutely seething with Thurman Skydive, and he jumps over the table...AND STARTS TRYING TO STRANGLE THURMAN!! Within seconds security are on hand, and they drag him out the front door...as Thurman climbs back to his feet...)

Skydive: Damn that is one obese man...his belly felt gross! Ewwwww I can't believe I felt his belly! I'm so unclean why...I feel like confessing all my sins right here right now! I bet that would make Unknown real happy...maybe he'll even spare my life in the Triple Threat match!

(Thurman talks into the camera, but the camera man says nothing, and just stares straight back at him...)

Skydive: So...it's kinda quiet without him huh?

(The camera man still stares blankly back at him)

Skydive: What? You think I can't do one of these things without him? You think I NEED him to do one of these fun-packed Thurmania-filled vignettes? Well you're wrong! I don't need that jelly-bellied jerkwad!

(The camera man remains inactive and filming...)

Skydive: Ahhh what the hell do you know anyway? You're nothing but a goony with a camera. You dropped out of reporter school because you couldn't hack being a numbnuttz with a pencil and a notepad...

(Finally the camera man says something...)

Camera Man: Maybe you should talk about your match man...right now you're making yourself look ridiculous!

Skydive: Who the hell do you think you are? I don't need your help...you disgust me! You know what...GIMME THAT CAMERA!

(Skydive dives across the table, and tries to wrestle the camera from man's clutches. The two roll to the floor, Thurman succeeding in wrenching one of the camera man's hands away...before security pounce again! This time they drag Thurman out of the club, kicking and screaming as he goes!)

Skydive: GET THE HELL OF ME...DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM!...I'M AN MCW SUPERSTAR...GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY CROTCH BUDDY...RAPE...RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE!!!

(The security guys throw Thurman headfirst out the door, and he crashes down in the street outside, where it's starting to rain. Thurman rubs his head and slowly climbs to his feet...A voice from behind him speaks...)

Reporter: They threw you out too? What the hell did you do?

(Thurman turns round, and sees the reporter looking dejected, sitting on a bench. Thurman gets to his feet, and finally flops down next to him...)

Skydive: Yeah...I started a fight with the camera man...

Reporter: You really are a braindead idiot!

Skydive: Shut your mouth unless you want more of what you got in there...

Reporter: I'm literally quaking in fear right now. How about we just skip you savaging me and get an interview or something?

Skydive: Why the hell would we do that? What's the point in talking, haven't you heard? The Unknown's going to win. He told me so himself! I went out and got him some polish, and some 'I can't believe it's not Blood' colour paint, and still he's not happy. He's the most profound wrestler in MCW don't you know!

Reporter: Are you being sarcastic a-f*cking-gain?

Skydive: Always! I guess what sets it off is the fact that Unknown plans on finishing the match covered head to toe in blood...and I wasn't even aware it was a NUDE Triple Threat Weapons Cage Match!

(Thurman breaks into forced laughter, nudging the reporter, urging him to start laughing too!)

Reporter: You're worried about this match! Even if you say you're not...I see through your sh*t. Unknown's got you worried. You still haven't secured a victory after your so-called great comeback to MCW, and it's got you looking over your shoulder. You're scared now! You think Unknown can beat you for that Cruiserweight title...you think Chris Ceslar can beat you for that Cruiserweight title.
Personally, I think deep down you're scared that what Unknown said was bang on the money. You know how likely it is that you'll never exceed midcard mediocrity no matter how hard you try and...

Skydive: Shut the hole in your fat face before I do it for you. Unknown's full of hot air and stale sh*t. He doesn't know what he's talking about. I'm nothing but a midcarder...well last time I checked he wasn't up there with the big boys yet either! He needs to check his ego at the damn door and realise that to get up there...he has to get through me!

Reporter: Hell, he even said he's going to use you as a stepladder to the top...

Skydive: Is that a fact. Well let me enlighten you, at Hardcore Hell, we will witness the first time ever that a stepladder fights back! Just when he thinks he's standing on my head to grasp that brass ring I'm gonna throw him the f*ck off me then stomp the hell out of his rear end.

I don't need to cherish life up till Thursday, simply because my life goes well beyond Hardcore Hell. If I'm doomed to be a midcarder for the rest of my career, then damnit I will be the single greatest midcarder you ever did see. I'm helping myself to the Cruiserweight title, strapping it firmly round my waist and making the Cruiserweight division THE thing to see on MCW programming. I'm going to take all the national television time, and I'm going to mock Unknown again...and again...AND AGAIN!

Reporter: You really should lay off his Aunt...

Skydive: Make me dickweed, I've had enough of Unknown. Maybe if people had laid off his Aunt for the rest of her life she wouldn't be dead in the first place...can you say STD Ron?

Reporter: My name's not Ron...and that's disgusting!

Skydive: Disgusting...like I could give a sh*t! You can't stop me. There ain't a person in MCW who can stop me. Unknown seems to be under the impression that a few measly tables, some thumbtacks and a steel cage are gonna be enough...but then he's under the impression that my name's Skydiver. He's probably a drunkard, picking up too many of his dead Aunt's bad habits!

Reporter: You're sick...I hope he kicks your ass!

Skydive: You hope...and hope is all you got. HOPE LIIIIVES buddy...until Hardcore Hell. That's when I beat Unknown senseless. He wants to be a cool mystery dude, he wants to have a big comeback...he wants to be Cruiserweight Champion. But at Hardcore Hell all his hopes, all his wants, all his desires, cravings and wishes get stopped obscenely short. You know why, because I'm not letting him do it! Over my dead f*cking body is Unknown revealing himself to the world and using me as a stepping stone to the top of MCW.

Apparently this dude has beaten me before...and if that is the case then I guess it's time for me to end the streak. We will bleed, we will hurt...but this time around I'm the one coming out on top. I'm gonna hit a Skydive Slam straight from the depths of hell...not even divine intervention from God himself is gonna be enough to save born again Unknowbody. I'm gonna be coming with so much force I can turn boulders to pebbles...long live Jesus Unknown...but I'll see you IN HELL!

(Thurman's is so intense you could lose a quarter in the lines in his face, and without uttering another word he gets to his feet, and moves slowly away through the driving rain. The back of his jacket has the Hardcore Hell logo printed on it, and the date at the bottom seems to be drawing ever closer...)

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